Isaiah 40
29 He gives power to the weak
and strength to the powerless.
30 Even youths will become weak and tired,
and young men will fall in exhaustion.
31 But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.
They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
They will walk and not faint.
You know, sometimes we're just so blessed that it wears our earthly bodies out! I'm finding myself in that category.
Last week, as I was finishing up the last week of the school year - listening to projects, packing up 13 years of teaching, shedding some tears over the boxes, keeping the house clean for showings, we got word that we had a contract for a sale! And, a close date of June 9th!. Yep, one of those two week closing deals. FANTASTIC!! I mean, really, this is absolutely perfect on so many playing fields: we just got our first interest payment for the construction loan, and we don't have a house payment to pay in addition. No worries about renting out this house! We'll be about a quarter of a mile from our new construction, so we can check continually. School is out so we don't have to commute.
We immediately began taking action toward the move. We found a storage container (one of those big train cars), looked at it & paid, had it moved to our new home site, moved what we had stored upstairs at my in-law's to the storage container, and moved the attic of our house to storage. The beams started going up for walls, so we went to check it out another night.
From last Tuesday when we got the offer to this Thursday, I will have had ten photography appointments (see, I had it planned out that once school was out I would be more "free" to shoot & edit - HA!). I am 10 sessions behind on editing (and have whittled that down to just 5 in the last 6 days), so I've not been getting a lot of sleep.
It's been a emotional week, busy week, and a little stressful. I am relishing in my Lord and His Spirit because I would normally be a complete basket case at this point - completely stressed about getting it all done. But, you know what, I'm waking each morning and praying that He shows me the "one thing" that He wants of me for the day and walking by faith in the rest.
I can't wait to see how perfectly all the pieces are going to fall into place!
Monday, May 30, 2011
Monday, May 2, 2011
The "All Clear"
Yep, that's all that really has to be said. And I knew it was coming, it was just a matter of how and when.
What a terrific opportunity! Well, several opportunities.
First, trust. The simple trust I was able to give to my Lord that He had a plan. I felt the perfect peace that could come only from Him. In the past I've needed my human "entourage" to give me strength and encouragement. There was simply no reason to have my sweet husband hold my hand through the "safety steps" which would have made him miss a wonderful conference in Florida. I was able to give myself over to my Father. He loves me so much!
Second, my Lord is the Great Physician. No one had to go in after anything! I still have a 1 1/2 by 1/2 inch 'lump' in there, but I have been assured it is nothing more than normal tissue. Because He made it that way.
Third, I don't think women share about these things enough. I think of the two dozen people who knew about all of this, at least a dozen have their own lump. Why don't we talk about such things - share the truth of what's really going on versus the 'soccer mom' stories (and I'm a 'soccer mom,' so get over any offense, please). I've spoken with so many women over the course of my short life who have had PPD, miscarriages, and now lumps, but no one talks about the things that matter. God gives us these things in life to allow us to encourage one another and build one another up. Is it pride? Is it vanity? I don't know.
Thankful!
What a terrific opportunity! Well, several opportunities.
First, trust. The simple trust I was able to give to my Lord that He had a plan. I felt the perfect peace that could come only from Him. In the past I've needed my human "entourage" to give me strength and encouragement. There was simply no reason to have my sweet husband hold my hand through the "safety steps" which would have made him miss a wonderful conference in Florida. I was able to give myself over to my Father. He loves me so much!
Second, my Lord is the Great Physician. No one had to go in after anything! I still have a 1 1/2 by 1/2 inch 'lump' in there, but I have been assured it is nothing more than normal tissue. Because He made it that way.
Third, I don't think women share about these things enough. I think of the two dozen people who knew about all of this, at least a dozen have their own lump. Why don't we talk about such things - share the truth of what's really going on versus the 'soccer mom' stories (and I'm a 'soccer mom,' so get over any offense, please). I've spoken with so many women over the course of my short life who have had PPD, miscarriages, and now lumps, but no one talks about the things that matter. God gives us these things in life to allow us to encourage one another and build one another up. Is it pride? Is it vanity? I don't know.
Thankful!
Thursday, April 28, 2011
We'll call her Laura...
And she looks like this:
You were afraid I was going to show you the other little lady, weren't you. Oh my, no way, Jose. But right after my mammogram, while the technician went to ask the radiologist if I needed an ultrasound (standard procedure on 'a lump'), I snapped a quick picture of "the machine." Forgive the slight blurriness - it was darkish but I didn't want to break out the flash because who takes a picture of a mammogram machine?
I can happily report that all the talk of "squishing" and the discomfort and even pain = none of that. Cold hands, yes. And, when I did dare to look at that part of me all displayed and squished, well, I was quite impressed. (probably more than you ever wanted to know...but there's more!) Interesting tidbit #1: in mammography images, your breasts should be mirror images of one another. Where there is dense matter on one, there should be the same on the opposite. Who knew? But I sure hope I get to see the images, I like "find the differences" games.
The radiologist confirmed we need to follow with an ultrasound, so I sported my gown down a different hallway. Ultrasound has trouble locating lump. Seems 'she' falls between my ribs when lying on my back. Sitting up proved a better viewing. tidbit #2: A cyst is obvious as a dark spot because it's filled with fluid. I saw my rib, my lung, and some breast tissue, but no dark spot, so, no cyst. Interesting tidbit #3: my breasts are "lumpy, fibrous, and dense" (and now we know each other all the better, but refrain from feeling what 'lumpy, fibrous, and dense' feels like for comparison, please ;) ).
So, while it seems to sound good that she couldn't really find anything, I don't have any answers. I was lead to believe (should have listened better) that the radiologist would come out and talk to me about it, perhaps let me see it, but no such luck. "The doctor should call you tomorrow. But, well, tomorrow is Friday, and many offices close early, so maybe Monday. Don't spend your weekend worrying if you don't hear tomorrow." All I could think was, "Worry? Really? No reason to worry!"
This, by the way, makes me think of a passage:
You were afraid I was going to show you the other little lady, weren't you. Oh my, no way, Jose. But right after my mammogram, while the technician went to ask the radiologist if I needed an ultrasound (standard procedure on 'a lump'), I snapped a quick picture of "the machine." Forgive the slight blurriness - it was darkish but I didn't want to break out the flash because who takes a picture of a mammogram machine?
I can happily report that all the talk of "squishing" and the discomfort and even pain = none of that. Cold hands, yes. And, when I did dare to look at that part of me all displayed and squished, well, I was quite impressed. (probably more than you ever wanted to know...but there's more!) Interesting tidbit #1: in mammography images, your breasts should be mirror images of one another. Where there is dense matter on one, there should be the same on the opposite. Who knew? But I sure hope I get to see the images, I like "find the differences" games.
The radiologist confirmed we need to follow with an ultrasound, so I sported my gown down a different hallway. Ultrasound has trouble locating lump. Seems 'she' falls between my ribs when lying on my back. Sitting up proved a better viewing. tidbit #2: A cyst is obvious as a dark spot because it's filled with fluid. I saw my rib, my lung, and some breast tissue, but no dark spot, so, no cyst. Interesting tidbit #3: my breasts are "lumpy, fibrous, and dense" (and now we know each other all the better, but refrain from feeling what 'lumpy, fibrous, and dense' feels like for comparison, please ;) ).
So, while it seems to sound good that she couldn't really find anything, I don't have any answers. I was lead to believe (should have listened better) that the radiologist would come out and talk to me about it, perhaps let me see it, but no such luck. "The doctor should call you tomorrow. But, well, tomorrow is Friday, and many offices close early, so maybe Monday. Don't spend your weekend worrying if you don't hear tomorrow." All I could think was, "Worry? Really? No reason to worry!"
This, by the way, makes me think of a passage:
“That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?
“And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?
“So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.
“So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.
Matthew 6:25-34
Perfectly Perfect
I’ve noticed in just the last few days that a few of the same words keep coming from my heart. Repetition is one of those things that I train my students in my AP Language course to pay attention to, “If it’s repeated, there’s a reason. Figure out the ‘so what? who cares?’ behind the repetition.”
Peace. Perfect. My Lord. Opportunity. Perfectly perfect.
As I read over my little list, I wondered what the bible has for “perfect peace”? And…what do you do when you want to know something? You might call your mom; you might ask a friend, but most likely, you Google it. My first go-to for things Bible is biblegateway.com, so I typed in ‘perfect peace’ in the keyword search. Isaiah 26:3 came up in the New Living Translation:
3 You will keep in perfect peace
all who trust in you,
all whose thoughts are fixed on you!
all who trust in you,
all whose thoughts are fixed on you!
I'm looking forward to God's keeping me in his perfect peace today. I can't describe the peace I feel other than "peaceful peace." I know it's redundant, but it's the best description.
My musical gift this morning...Kari Jobe "The More I Seek You":
I wanna sit at your feet
drink from the cup in your hand.
Lay back against you and breath,
hear your heart beat
This love is so deep,
it's more than I can stand.
I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming
I wanna sit at your feet
drink from the cup in your hand.
Lay back against you and breath,
hear your heart beat
This love is so deep,
it's more than I can stand.
I melt in your peace...
drink from the cup in your hand.
Lay back against you and breath,
hear your heart beat
This love is so deep,
it's more than I can stand.
I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming
I wanna sit at your feet
drink from the cup in your hand.
Lay back against you and breath,
hear your heart beat
This love is so deep,
it's more than I can stand.
I melt in your peace...
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Confirmed
Sometimes I can be a hypochondriac; you should have known me when I took Abnormal Psyc in college - whoo wee. So, I kept checking each time I went to the restroom this morning (those of you not in the teaching world, that equals every 55 minutes - what can I say, I drink a lot...).
Still today - total and complete peace. Can't even describe it other than "peaceful peace." I'm an English teacher, I know it's redundant, but it's spot on for how I feel. I can literally feel the Spirit as my Counselor and Comfort. It's so exhilarating. Jeremy has phoned to check on me at least 5 times today (he's in Florida at a conference that is SO amazing; he almost stayed home, but I submissively encouraged him to go, go, go!!! I can't wait to see him return renewed, refreshed, and filled!), and all I can tell him is that "I am totally okay."
Here's the wrap up. Doc A and I chatted a bit, we established I don't do routine self checks, and no, I haven't seen another doctor in the last 3 years, it has, in fact, been that long since I had a check up. I'm a bad, bad patient; I only see a doctor when there's something wrong. She did the exam, and about the time she was saying, "I think I might have to have you show me..." her cheerful face dropped (I read body language very carefully), and she said, "nevermind, that is definitely something. It's smooth and seems rounded, those are both good. Yes, it's significant. We'll schedule you for a mammogram and ultrasound. 80% of masses are absolutely fine, remember." Jeremy was hoping for something more, but it's about what I expected.
So, I'm tempted to name it, a her. After all, it has to be a her, right? I mean, she's in my body (female) and in my breast (decidedly feminine), so she's a she. But, if she turns out to be bad, I think I want 'her' to become 'him,' because, well, 'bad girl' has a very different connotation that 'bad guy.' I mean, we all know what a 'bad girl' does, and a 'bad guy;' he's clearly the evil guy, antagonist, dressed in black full of menace and is overcome in the end by a handsome knight on a white horse.
But, I digress, this is really not a post about that, it's about peace.
I've meant to blog about this for, well, right about two weeks now, but 'stuff' keeps getting in the way. It seems it's time to sit still long enough to share some of the overflow of my filling, and it seems all the more special now because I know it's why I'm so filled with peace.
I'm what you could probably label a 'skeptical Christian.' I know God, I trust Jesus, and I have the Holy Spirit dwelling inside of me. So when talk of "baptism of the Holy Spirit" started circling, I got a little cautious. To shorten this story, I felt the urge to branch out a bit and attend a conference at a more "spirit filled" church (which is part of what has always bothered me, we're ALL Spirit filled if we're believers), and my biggest prayer was that I would allow myself to open completely before my God and allow him to transform me and speak to me. I'm also overly critical of speakers, analyzing every piece of body language, how smoothly they speak, what they say, how they say it, and so on. I prayed for that to go away, too.
So, I find myself at the prophesy portion of the conference. I found myself asking God for a word for me as proof, but quickly caught myself and prayed instead for an open heart and anything he would reveal to me. I had to sit down and write what I was hearing, and I am SO excited for where he is taking me as a wife and mother! Then, one of the women had a word for one of my friends, and it was SO spot on for her that it blessed me. I came away significantly changed from the opening of my hard, sinful heart, and I've not been quite the same since :)
I can sincerely say that I want God's will done, and whatever will bring him the most glory is my desire.
Still today - total and complete peace. Can't even describe it other than "peaceful peace." I'm an English teacher, I know it's redundant, but it's spot on for how I feel. I can literally feel the Spirit as my Counselor and Comfort. It's so exhilarating. Jeremy has phoned to check on me at least 5 times today (he's in Florida at a conference that is SO amazing; he almost stayed home, but I submissively encouraged him to go, go, go!!! I can't wait to see him return renewed, refreshed, and filled!), and all I can tell him is that "I am totally okay."
Here's the wrap up. Doc A and I chatted a bit, we established I don't do routine self checks, and no, I haven't seen another doctor in the last 3 years, it has, in fact, been that long since I had a check up. I'm a bad, bad patient; I only see a doctor when there's something wrong. She did the exam, and about the time she was saying, "I think I might have to have you show me..." her cheerful face dropped (I read body language very carefully), and she said, "nevermind, that is definitely something. It's smooth and seems rounded, those are both good. Yes, it's significant. We'll schedule you for a mammogram and ultrasound. 80% of masses are absolutely fine, remember." Jeremy was hoping for something more, but it's about what I expected.
So, I'm tempted to name it, a her. After all, it has to be a her, right? I mean, she's in my body (female) and in my breast (decidedly feminine), so she's a she. But, if she turns out to be bad, I think I want 'her' to become 'him,' because, well, 'bad girl' has a very different connotation that 'bad guy.' I mean, we all know what a 'bad girl' does, and a 'bad guy;' he's clearly the evil guy, antagonist, dressed in black full of menace and is overcome in the end by a handsome knight on a white horse.
But, I digress, this is really not a post about that, it's about peace.
I've meant to blog about this for, well, right about two weeks now, but 'stuff' keeps getting in the way. It seems it's time to sit still long enough to share some of the overflow of my filling, and it seems all the more special now because I know it's why I'm so filled with peace.
I'm what you could probably label a 'skeptical Christian.' I know God, I trust Jesus, and I have the Holy Spirit dwelling inside of me. So when talk of "baptism of the Holy Spirit" started circling, I got a little cautious. To shorten this story, I felt the urge to branch out a bit and attend a conference at a more "spirit filled" church (which is part of what has always bothered me, we're ALL Spirit filled if we're believers), and my biggest prayer was that I would allow myself to open completely before my God and allow him to transform me and speak to me. I'm also overly critical of speakers, analyzing every piece of body language, how smoothly they speak, what they say, how they say it, and so on. I prayed for that to go away, too.
So, I find myself at the prophesy portion of the conference. I found myself asking God for a word for me as proof, but quickly caught myself and prayed instead for an open heart and anything he would reveal to me. I had to sit down and write what I was hearing, and I am SO excited for where he is taking me as a wife and mother! Then, one of the women had a word for one of my friends, and it was SO spot on for her that it blessed me. I came away significantly changed from the opening of my hard, sinful heart, and I've not been quite the same since :)
I can sincerely say that I want God's will done, and whatever will bring him the most glory is my desire.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Lump
First, can I say that the first thing that comes to mind is The Presidents of the United States, "She's Lump, She's Lump, She's in my head..."? Yeah, I had that CD in high school. Or was it college? Ah, either one, it's on my iPod now - good running song.
I think you know where I'm going from here. My ob/gyn probably wishes I would just come in for a normal appointment (which I have done once in the last 5 years of living here...maybe twice).
I'm not sure how it came about, but some how I found "it." "It" is resting at the bottomish part of Mrs. Right. About an inch in width and thick is how I would describe it. Seems to 'palpitate' which is what I've caught on is a good thing from friends who have walked this road before me.
What's crazy? How peaceful I've felt. I mean, the words of Roman 8:15 So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children have never been more full and true. I mean, my normal self would say, "Whoa back a moment. This is a BIG deal." But, really, it's not. I mean, I hesitated, significant hesitation, to let my prayer warriors know. I was reasoning with God in the shower this morning (yep, we have morning chats in the shower, you should try it), and telling Him that I didn't need to bother them with any concern because it's fine. I just know. But he kept pressing on my heart that part of asking for prayer is submission to allow others to do for you. Submitting my inmost requests to him in an act of faith is what he desires of my heart. So I did.
On my drive to school (the whole 2 miles), the song that come on my iPod was by Chris Tomlin, "Our God," and the lyrics of the chorus just overflowed with praise from my Spirit, "And if our God is for us, Then who can ever stop us, And if our God is with us, Then what can stand against?" I wish I could convey to you the immensity of the fullness I felt of my Spirit filling and overflowing. Such.Peace.
It was at that moment I felt the most peace. "God, you know if it is "something," I pray that you use it to your Glory." Right after that came out of my lips (yes, I talk, verbally, to God in my car), I replied (to myself, again), "where did that come from? I should be scared, reasoning how it's all wrong. But, why not me? What an awesome opportunity to glorify him and grow closer to him?"
It's weird, but I'm excited to follow God on this journey. Even now, Tomlin is playing in iTunes, "For You and You alone, Awake my soul, Awake my soul and sing, For the world You love, Your will be done in me," and I don't believe I've ever had a more peaceful and sincere prayer.
I offer this as a challenge to you...what are you holding on to - a fear perhaps - that you need to give to him and allow him to grow your faith and allow him to bless you?
I think you know where I'm going from here. My ob/gyn probably wishes I would just come in for a normal appointment (which I have done once in the last 5 years of living here...maybe twice).
I'm not sure how it came about, but some how I found "it." "It" is resting at the bottomish part of Mrs. Right. About an inch in width and thick is how I would describe it. Seems to 'palpitate' which is what I've caught on is a good thing from friends who have walked this road before me.
What's crazy? How peaceful I've felt. I mean, the words of Roman 8:15 So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children have never been more full and true. I mean, my normal self would say, "Whoa back a moment. This is a BIG deal." But, really, it's not. I mean, I hesitated, significant hesitation, to let my prayer warriors know. I was reasoning with God in the shower this morning (yep, we have morning chats in the shower, you should try it), and telling Him that I didn't need to bother them with any concern because it's fine. I just know. But he kept pressing on my heart that part of asking for prayer is submission to allow others to do for you. Submitting my inmost requests to him in an act of faith is what he desires of my heart. So I did.
On my drive to school (the whole 2 miles), the song that come on my iPod was by Chris Tomlin, "Our God," and the lyrics of the chorus just overflowed with praise from my Spirit, "And if our God is for us, Then who can ever stop us, And if our God is with us, Then what can stand against?" I wish I could convey to you the immensity of the fullness I felt of my Spirit filling and overflowing. Such.Peace.
It was at that moment I felt the most peace. "God, you know if it is "something," I pray that you use it to your Glory." Right after that came out of my lips (yes, I talk, verbally, to God in my car), I replied (to myself, again), "where did that come from? I should be scared, reasoning how it's all wrong. But, why not me? What an awesome opportunity to glorify him and grow closer to him?"
It's weird, but I'm excited to follow God on this journey. Even now, Tomlin is playing in iTunes, "For You and You alone, Awake my soul, Awake my soul and sing, For the world You love, Your will be done in me," and I don't believe I've ever had a more peaceful and sincere prayer.
I offer this as a challenge to you...what are you holding on to - a fear perhaps - that you need to give to him and allow him to grow your faith and allow him to bless you?
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
It's go time!
My morning was progressively spinning out of control with the details of life swallowing me whole: my computer at work wouldn't log onto my profile (translation - all my links, bookmarks, and emails were gone); a student walked in to tell me he was having surgery tomorrow, and he would like his homework from tomorrow through next week; I hadn't eaten my breakfast; I forgot to send Hudson's milk to school and they were making ice cream; Jeremy wasn't answering his phone; I had a multitude of papers I had put off grading.
Sigh.
In the middle of the chaos I found this email in my inbox (once I got email to work): resignation incentive.
We all know this is where I've been heading. I've been procrastinating, trying to find that fine line between waiting until the last possible minute to really do it and early enough to allow the district the best opportunity to replace me (though I don't think they are, but that's a whole other issue).
Truth be told, although I'm excited about the new opportunities, I'm still scared to let go. I have a hard time letting go.
I emailed Jeremy to MAKE SURE this was the plan. He replied, "Go for it."
So, I sat and typed out my letter. It was a little anticlimactic. I expected to work on it and revise a zillion times so it was 'just so.' But, I believe that precisely the right words came to me. I cried as I wrote it.
As soon as the bell rang to dismiss 3rd period, my last class of the day, I drove over to HR and handed my letter to Diane in HR. Diane used to be the secretary at the high school when I was first hired. She was one of the first people in the district I met, so I liked that little detail that God gave me. She welcomed me at my interview, and she welcomed me on the day I handed in my letter of resignation. She inquired, with a sad face, why I was leaving. I perkily told her the details of building & moving, of wifing and mothering, and of photography and all the opportunities at my new home. I also included the detail that this was a new season, and perhaps in another new season, God will bring me back. I've learned never to say never.
Can I admit that I was perky until I walked out of the building? The moment I exited the doors, floodgates opened. I avoided openly sobbing until I was in the confines of my car. It was a thunderstorm. I returned to the high school, still crying, and hurried to my room. I sat at my desk for a moment and mourned.
I've always had a definite plan, and this is beyond it. I have to remember this verse in James: 14yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.
Sigh.
In the middle of the chaos I found this email in my inbox (once I got email to work): resignation incentive.
We all know this is where I've been heading. I've been procrastinating, trying to find that fine line between waiting until the last possible minute to really do it and early enough to allow the district the best opportunity to replace me (though I don't think they are, but that's a whole other issue).
Truth be told, although I'm excited about the new opportunities, I'm still scared to let go. I have a hard time letting go.
I emailed Jeremy to MAKE SURE this was the plan. He replied, "Go for it."
So, I sat and typed out my letter. It was a little anticlimactic. I expected to work on it and revise a zillion times so it was 'just so.' But, I believe that precisely the right words came to me. I cried as I wrote it.
As soon as the bell rang to dismiss 3rd period, my last class of the day, I drove over to HR and handed my letter to Diane in HR. Diane used to be the secretary at the high school when I was first hired. She was one of the first people in the district I met, so I liked that little detail that God gave me. She welcomed me at my interview, and she welcomed me on the day I handed in my letter of resignation. She inquired, with a sad face, why I was leaving. I perkily told her the details of building & moving, of wifing and mothering, and of photography and all the opportunities at my new home. I also included the detail that this was a new season, and perhaps in another new season, God will bring me back. I've learned never to say never.
Can I admit that I was perky until I walked out of the building? The moment I exited the doors, floodgates opened. I avoided openly sobbing until I was in the confines of my car. It was a thunderstorm. I returned to the high school, still crying, and hurried to my room. I sat at my desk for a moment and mourned.
I've always had a definite plan, and this is beyond it. I have to remember this verse in James: 14yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Anticipations of 2011
I love a new year. New opportunities. It's like a blank slate that I get to fill. Fortunately, I've always had TWO, maybe THREE, new year's in the year - New Year's official, the beginning of summer as the school year ends and our family schedule changes, and the beginning of the school year with return to schedules.
I'm excited about 2011. I think this describes it best: Brooke Snow "Winter." She so eloquently worded what I have been searching for how to describe the season I'm walking into.
#1 We're building our first (and last) home! While there is some pressure knowing that we can't "just sell it" if we don't like it, I'm choosing to look at all the excitement. And, hey, if I don't like something, I just adjust. I mean, we've lived in 5 places since we've been married, and all of them have worked fine. The perks: country, which means I can have a garden, and I think I'll get some chickens - yep, you read right! We're going as basic as we can while still realizing we have the rest of our lives here, so it includes a room for photography! I'll also have a real pantry (right now the food is in a cabinet) AND a laundry room (as opposed to freezing or melting out in the garage).
#2 I will be "just" a wife and mom in just 6 shorts months. And yes, I'm keeping photography (of course, I have a room specifically for it!). Wife and mom will be my primary focus for the first time in, well, ever! The challenge here will be for me to be purposeful with how I fill my time: not using it as a way to take MORE sessions, but to use it so that mommy doesn't work once she picks up the kids (other than the occasional evening session that we line out with the family calendar, not to exceed two per week and likely just one). This has never before been a desire of my heart, but God changes our passions and desires to follow His plan, so I'm eagerly anticipating it!
#4 Decluttering. Yes, as we move I'll be literally getting rid of "stuff," but that also includes my busyness. I've been SO convicted here. I have too much on my plate. I hate to say "no" to anything or anyone, and as a result I've overcommitted. I don't enjoy most things I'm doing because I'm always worried about how I'll make it to the next thing or how late I'll be up trying to get it all done. It hurts because I know I have to say "no" to someone and will likely (in my view) hurt them as a result. I'm revisiting Can I Have and Do it All, Please and this time I'm not looking for how to HAVE and DO it ALL, but looking for direction on balance. I'm also going to read (slowly and relish it) Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World. I think my friend loaned me this book 4 years ago because she saw a need in my life. I still have it, but now I'm really going to read more than the first chapter. I'm SOOOO excited, and incredibly apprehensive!
My theme verse for this year is, "But the Lord answered her, 'Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one this is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her." Luke 10:41-42 ESV. I'm praying for the wisdom to recognize the things that cause me to be anxious and troubled, cast them off, and cling to 'the good portion.' I'm looking forward to a year of growing closer to God and my family.
I'm excited about 2011. I think this describes it best: Brooke Snow "Winter." She so eloquently worded what I have been searching for how to describe the season I'm walking into.
#1 We're building our first (and last) home! While there is some pressure knowing that we can't "just sell it" if we don't like it, I'm choosing to look at all the excitement. And, hey, if I don't like something, I just adjust. I mean, we've lived in 5 places since we've been married, and all of them have worked fine. The perks: country, which means I can have a garden, and I think I'll get some chickens - yep, you read right! We're going as basic as we can while still realizing we have the rest of our lives here, so it includes a room for photography! I'll also have a real pantry (right now the food is in a cabinet) AND a laundry room (as opposed to freezing or melting out in the garage).
#2 I will be "just" a wife and mom in just 6 shorts months. And yes, I'm keeping photography (of course, I have a room specifically for it!). Wife and mom will be my primary focus for the first time in, well, ever! The challenge here will be for me to be purposeful with how I fill my time: not using it as a way to take MORE sessions, but to use it so that mommy doesn't work once she picks up the kids (other than the occasional evening session that we line out with the family calendar, not to exceed two per week and likely just one). This has never before been a desire of my heart, but God changes our passions and desires to follow His plan, so I'm eagerly anticipating it!
#3 Running. I'm coming back. This year I will complete the White Rock marathon. Period. I'm taking training partners, so who's in? Right now I'm walking, and in two weeks I start up with two miles, and I'll be going from there. So, you can start with me. You can do it! These verses haunt me (in a good way): "Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body." 1 Cor 9:19-20. There are SO many things that go with that verse, and I'm praying that when I get to heaven, piercing your nose is NOT on the list! More seriously, I have NOT been taking care of my body - no exercise, not eating right, not resting right, too much stress.
#4 Decluttering. Yes, as we move I'll be literally getting rid of "stuff," but that also includes my busyness. I've been SO convicted here. I have too much on my plate. I hate to say "no" to anything or anyone, and as a result I've overcommitted. I don't enjoy most things I'm doing because I'm always worried about how I'll make it to the next thing or how late I'll be up trying to get it all done. It hurts because I know I have to say "no" to someone and will likely (in my view) hurt them as a result. I'm revisiting Can I Have and Do it All, Please and this time I'm not looking for how to HAVE and DO it ALL, but looking for direction on balance. I'm also going to read (slowly and relish it) Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World. I think my friend loaned me this book 4 years ago because she saw a need in my life. I still have it, but now I'm really going to read more than the first chapter. I'm SOOOO excited, and incredibly apprehensive!
My theme verse for this year is, "But the Lord answered her, 'Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one this is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her." Luke 10:41-42 ESV. I'm praying for the wisdom to recognize the things that cause me to be anxious and troubled, cast them off, and cling to 'the good portion.' I'm looking forward to a year of growing closer to God and my family.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Reflections on 2010
2010 was a year of growth. I can look back, as I finally emerge out of a life season that has lasted just over a year, and say that it is the most difficult season of life I've experienced to this point. Although it has been tough, I'm thankful for what God has taught me through it, and I think it's important for me to share (as much for the me of the future as for any of you who might wander upon it :) ). I realize, too, that more challenging life periods will come in my life; some with much more seriousness and gravity, some with more sorrow, and, likely, some that include more times of uncertainty. 2010 wasn't the end of my world; I knew it wasn't even in the depths of uncertainty and confusion, but it was hard.
2010 started in a whirlwind: StoneWater was getting ready to move into Texana Plaza, a quick 2 month preparation and move in turnaround. Needless to say, as with many of the staff & volunteers, that was the craziness of life for the first six weeks of the year. At the end of this time, I figured out why I had been so overwhelmingly tired: despite a tubal ligation in 2004, I was pregnant. After about a week of adjusting (read: crying) to the new situation, I began miscarrying, and thus started a whole new period of adjustment both physically and mentally. This same life event sparked renewed questioning of what to do about my teaching career: continue or place on hold for a while. Mingled in, for good measure, Jeremy and I felt the urge to move to the family land, but really struggled with whether it was the right thing to do for the church, for us financially, and for the family. I found myself on my knees crying out to the words of the Third Day song "Revelation," prostrate in prayer for direction, and realizing that I was in the middle of a desert place.
In the middle of all of this, as I continued to teach part time, God blessed my humble photography business in a way I couldn't even dream would happen a year ago. When I registered my business, it was really more because I'm a rule follower, and I knew that it was a rule to have all the papers filed if I accepted a penny. So I did. I hoped that I could see 4 babies a month in a effort to keep my skills growing. In November, I had 24 full sessions. The teach vs. not teach became critical because it was overwhelmingly clear, I could not continue to do everything.
Enter Misti brain: but I've always been able to do everything. I took 21 and 24 hours a semester in college (and worked and kept a 4.0 average). I taught full time, finished graduate school, and had two babies in a two and half year time period. I taught full time, mothered a 1 year old and a 3 year old, was wife to church planter, and co-led the children's ministry while keeping the books for the new church. Why CAN'T I keep all the balls in the air any more?!! And, I've always had a PLAN - A then B then C. Why can't I do it all & what's the plan! I don't have a plan! I can't keep up with everything! HELP! Help! Mayday! Mayday! I'm going down. (enter more melodramatic musings - the feeling of going over the cliff & clawing to keep from going).
As I read & re-read this condensed version of the last year, it doesn't really seem like a big deal. But I can tell you that my perfectionistic, OCD, life-planned-out self has had a bit of a shaking, and there were some dark times in there. That's how God works, I think. He humbles us by shaking us to our very core, and then when He brings us through it, we sometimes wonder, "what was the big deal?"
The number one lesson of 2010 in my life is that God is the God of my life, and I am not. I like to have a plan (you might have gathered from the above). I like to carry out the plan & check the item off of my to-do list. Check. Done. Complete. Success. It's easy to rely on what you know and find comfort in, but that's not always how He works.
Number two lesson of 2010: trust God. Logically, it still doesn't make sense that I'm leaving a part-time teaching job with steady income, the ability to impact lives, and a job that has been my passion for 13 years. In a short 18 years I could retire with full benefits. But, I've asked God to reveal His plan, and I can say without a shadow of a doubt that includes leaving teaching. He may lead me back, and He may not. I don't know what all He's going to do: grow photography? give me contentment as a wife & mother? lead me deeper into ministry? I don't know, but I trust Him.
Number three lesson of 2010: I worship the idol of busyness. I like being busy. Busy makes me feel important. Busy makes me feel powerful. I have a hard time understanding and giving grace to those who don't worship the little god of 'busy' like I do. Ouch, I just admitted that. I've heard stories of people who got caught smoking & their parent made them smoke the whole pack to the point of sickness, and they never wanted another. November, with 24 sessions, teaching, a full week away from home, being a wife and mom, and all the other things in life was God's lesson. I broke.
I am so thankful for God's promise in Jer. 29:11: 11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Tomorrow (or soon), I'll have the Anticipations of 2011 :)
2010 started in a whirlwind: StoneWater was getting ready to move into Texana Plaza, a quick 2 month preparation and move in turnaround. Needless to say, as with many of the staff & volunteers, that was the craziness of life for the first six weeks of the year. At the end of this time, I figured out why I had been so overwhelmingly tired: despite a tubal ligation in 2004, I was pregnant. After about a week of adjusting (read: crying) to the new situation, I began miscarrying, and thus started a whole new period of adjustment both physically and mentally. This same life event sparked renewed questioning of what to do about my teaching career: continue or place on hold for a while. Mingled in, for good measure, Jeremy and I felt the urge to move to the family land, but really struggled with whether it was the right thing to do for the church, for us financially, and for the family. I found myself on my knees crying out to the words of the Third Day song "Revelation," prostrate in prayer for direction, and realizing that I was in the middle of a desert place.
In the middle of all of this, as I continued to teach part time, God blessed my humble photography business in a way I couldn't even dream would happen a year ago. When I registered my business, it was really more because I'm a rule follower, and I knew that it was a rule to have all the papers filed if I accepted a penny. So I did. I hoped that I could see 4 babies a month in a effort to keep my skills growing. In November, I had 24 full sessions. The teach vs. not teach became critical because it was overwhelmingly clear, I could not continue to do everything.
Enter Misti brain: but I've always been able to do everything. I took 21 and 24 hours a semester in college (and worked and kept a 4.0 average). I taught full time, finished graduate school, and had two babies in a two and half year time period. I taught full time, mothered a 1 year old and a 3 year old, was wife to church planter, and co-led the children's ministry while keeping the books for the new church. Why CAN'T I keep all the balls in the air any more?!! And, I've always had a PLAN - A then B then C. Why can't I do it all & what's the plan! I don't have a plan! I can't keep up with everything! HELP! Help! Mayday! Mayday! I'm going down. (enter more melodramatic musings - the feeling of going over the cliff & clawing to keep from going).
As I read & re-read this condensed version of the last year, it doesn't really seem like a big deal. But I can tell you that my perfectionistic, OCD, life-planned-out self has had a bit of a shaking, and there were some dark times in there. That's how God works, I think. He humbles us by shaking us to our very core, and then when He brings us through it, we sometimes wonder, "what was the big deal?"
The number one lesson of 2010 in my life is that God is the God of my life, and I am not. I like to have a plan (you might have gathered from the above). I like to carry out the plan & check the item off of my to-do list. Check. Done. Complete. Success. It's easy to rely on what you know and find comfort in, but that's not always how He works.
Number two lesson of 2010: trust God. Logically, it still doesn't make sense that I'm leaving a part-time teaching job with steady income, the ability to impact lives, and a job that has been my passion for 13 years. In a short 18 years I could retire with full benefits. But, I've asked God to reveal His plan, and I can say without a shadow of a doubt that includes leaving teaching. He may lead me back, and He may not. I don't know what all He's going to do: grow photography? give me contentment as a wife & mother? lead me deeper into ministry? I don't know, but I trust Him.
Number three lesson of 2010: I worship the idol of busyness. I like being busy. Busy makes me feel important. Busy makes me feel powerful. I have a hard time understanding and giving grace to those who don't worship the little god of 'busy' like I do. Ouch, I just admitted that. I've heard stories of people who got caught smoking & their parent made them smoke the whole pack to the point of sickness, and they never wanted another. November, with 24 sessions, teaching, a full week away from home, being a wife and mom, and all the other things in life was God's lesson. I broke.
I am so thankful for God's promise in Jer. 29:11: 11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Tomorrow (or soon), I'll have the Anticipations of 2011 :)
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