Okay - last time I posted here, I was in a bit of a dry spell. Since then, I've honestly had so much that I really don't know where to begin!
Last week I had the opportunity to go to the Creative Church Conference - C3. This is really designed for pastors and church leadership, but a couple of friends were going, and I got a great discount as a pastor's wife, so I went. W-O-W. The encouragement of the pastors who spoke was amazing. I think as a pastor's wife, I tend to try to run. Not from the ministry, not from the church, not from Jeremy. It's just the title. I mean, a lot of people think I'm extra, super spiritual because I'm the "pastor's wife." I get a lot of questions about where things are in the Bible and what Bible verses mean. I usually look like a deer caught in the headlights (which, I've never seen, actually) and try to find a way to answer gracefully and vaguely. I've learned and know a lot about the Bible when I sit and think about it, but those questions just make me want to pee my pants. Now, let me refocus...
Bil Cornelius of Bay Area Fellowship in Corpus Christi spoke on prayer. His focus was Haggai 2:1-9. He has felt the need to pray, has accepted the challenge, and shared with his church. He shared that he first made a 100 hour committment. (I hope I haven't butchered this too much. Bil or Jessica, if you stumble on it and I have, please tell me!) After the first hour he found himself getting to world peace, ending world hunger, you know, the places we all go after a while. He said he cried out, "I'm done. What more is there? What do you want? I don't have anything else." He sensed God saying, "finally! I thought you'd never shut up." Prayer is about listening to God, too.
Prayer has been on my heart a lot lately. It appeared in a study a couple of weeks ago, and I felt convicted that I don't pray enough. I didn't stop and take action. Admittedly, I'm one of those pray-ers that falls asleep at night praying. Honestly, and we're talking frank here, like, I feel sick admitting this - I've had the thought when I couldn't sleep at night that I might as well pray because then I know I'll fall asleep. Gee, I want to puke just admitting that.
So, I returned, and what was the focus of my Discipleship Essentials study this week - prayer. This whole repetition thing that God keeps giving me is getting a little weird. Let's call it the Holy Spirit moving and convicting me :). Flat out - I do not pray like I should. I do the puny prayers - for my family, some requests that I remember - but no the all out conversation with God that I should since I am His child. And, I'm taking action this time.
I've been so frustrated with Hudson lately. He won't make requests of me. He states the obvious, "Mom, I'm thirsty." When I prod him to make it a question, I get mumbling and passive-aggressiveness. I've been at my wit's end. I just want him to talk to me. To tell me more than his needs. I want to serve him and have him let me tell him how much I love him. Today as I held him in his bed after we had a looooong stand off with much screaming (all on his part, I'm glad to say I stayed calm and kind through the whole ordeal), it hit me that God feels the same way. He wants to talk to me - with me.
Discipleship Essentials gave the acronym ACTS for prayer (I believe my pastor has, too). Adore - adore God for who He is apart from what He has done. God, you are my Savior, my Provider, you are Almighty. Confess - confess my sins. God, I am harboring ill feelings and anger toward a sister in Christ. Thanksgiving - give God thanks for what He has done, be specific. God, thank you that my children are well. Thank you for giving me confidence in You and a boldness that I have not felt in my life to this point. Supplication - ask God to meet specific needs in your life. God, I pray that you give me rest tonight. I pray that I would glorify you as I serve my husband and children and as I teach tomorrow morning.
I think this is where I also admit that I haven't used running for time with God like I used to. I used to have some rocking times with God as I prayed - including praise and adoration - and ran with God. I've allowed my desires for some fun music and mindlessness to creep in. Maybe that's part of my losing passion for running. Can I tell you I'm looking forward to my next run to do some ACTS? Maybe that 13.1 miles that's staring me in the face on Saturday will give me some good time with my Savior! (beyond, God, just help me finish!)
I'm starting a journey. I will spend 30 minutes a day in prayer. This won't be in my bed - it may be running, it may be in my car, but it will be with concentrated effort on my Lord and using the pattern of ACTS so that it's about more than just me. Feel free to hold me accountable. I'm using the timer on my watch to keep me honest.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Possessions
This week, already, has been a little emotional. I'm almost embarrassed to admit it, but it's over an inanimate object that has 4 wheels. On Sunday I welcomed my new-to-me car into my life. It's the same one that I blogged about earlier this month (see the two posts below this one. Start with the bottom, then move up if you need to catch up). I am excited, but not as excited as I feel like I maybe should be. I mean, holy cow, I have an awesome car! I'll admit, it feels a bit "more mature" than I am, kinda like I should be driving around with a hand over my mouth to hide my giggle. That's good emotion, right? Well, there's a dark side - you see, yesterday I said goodbye to the Protege. An eleven and a half year relationship - over.
Silly, right? Yes, I cried as I drove it the final time to it's new home. Yes, there are some things I miss.
I was overcome with these emotions last night when I sat down to finish my study from Discipleship Essentials for our life group tonight. The focal passage is Luke 9:23-24 and included a reading passage, really an expository, on the passage. In the reading, Johnson focused on dissecting the phrases 'deny yourself,' 'take up your cross,' and 'lose your life for my sake.'
I am always so scared of those exact phrases in that passage. Deny myself? Does that mean of everything I enjoy, everything I love, deny myself happiness? Johnson does a great job of explaining that it's not giving up happiness; it's giving up "self-lordship." He goes on to explain 'take up your cross' as a process of giving all of our hopes and dreams for His.
As I finished reading, it hit me how parallel the situation really was. I'm crying over a car - one that's comfortable, I know inside and out, and is mine when the one I'm getting is SO MUCH BETTER. I mean, I'm moving into a sunroof, dual DVD players with headphones in the back for the kids, heated leather seats, smooth driving machine! That's my life in Christ - I'm so happy to continue to spend my time the way I want because it's what I've always done. This amount of time for email, laundry, dishes, cleaning, grade papers... What if I don't get something done because I stop to do my Bible study?! Gasp! Seriously, when I 'deny myself' and 'take up my cross,' what I'm going to have is SO MUCH BETTER!
So, why can't I remember that?
Silly, right? Yes, I cried as I drove it the final time to it's new home. Yes, there are some things I miss.
I was overcome with these emotions last night when I sat down to finish my study from Discipleship Essentials for our life group tonight. The focal passage is Luke 9:23-24 and included a reading passage, really an expository, on the passage. In the reading, Johnson focused on dissecting the phrases 'deny yourself,' 'take up your cross,' and 'lose your life for my sake.'
I am always so scared of those exact phrases in that passage. Deny myself? Does that mean of everything I enjoy, everything I love, deny myself happiness? Johnson does a great job of explaining that it's not giving up happiness; it's giving up "self-lordship." He goes on to explain 'take up your cross' as a process of giving all of our hopes and dreams for His.
As I finished reading, it hit me how parallel the situation really was. I'm crying over a car - one that's comfortable, I know inside and out, and is mine when the one I'm getting is SO MUCH BETTER. I mean, I'm moving into a sunroof, dual DVD players with headphones in the back for the kids, heated leather seats, smooth driving machine! That's my life in Christ - I'm so happy to continue to spend my time the way I want because it's what I've always done. This amount of time for email, laundry, dishes, cleaning, grade papers... What if I don't get something done because I stop to do my Bible study?! Gasp! Seriously, when I 'deny myself' and 'take up my cross,' what I'm going to have is SO MUCH BETTER!
So, why can't I remember that?
Humility & Greed - re-post
God really knows how to do a number on me. I don't like to think of myself as greedy; let me explain & justify myself at the outset. I don't have to have designer handbags (or anything designer, actually). I don't have to drive a fancy car. I don't have to have a lot of things that I think of greedy people having (housekeepers, lawn boys, pools, the biggest or nicest house, so forth - and if you have these, don't think that I think you're greedy; unless you have ALL of those things, then you might be on my list - HA). I do, however, enjoy having money to spend at my leisure. For instance, Sonic if I want it (and I'm trying to quit for both health and finance), a new camera/photography gadget that's not in the budget (and they never are, and they're never cheap, either), a random shirt, some new Bath & Body, you get the idea. I know that greed is really deeper than how much an item costs, though.
For instance, as a child I remember a rough time for my parents and seeing dad put $50 in the offering plate. I remember asking him why he did that when we needed that money. He taught me an important lesson that day, you always give to God first because it's the right thing to do. I remember our first few months of marriage when Jeremy and I began to tithe. We made $1250 a month. I remember thinking, are you kidding me? But we did. It's been a discipline we've followed our whole marriage. Last month Jeremy asked me to start thinking about how much to contribute to the building campaign that's coming up at StoneWater. I named a figure (a very conservative figure) and he named a figure (a very liberal figure). I remember being ticked off that he would even think of that per month for 3 years. It simply was not possible. I mean, we know some great givers, amazing givers, and I am always in awe that God has blessed them to give the way they do; I can't conceive of it. But, I guess I've never thought of the sacrifice they are giving, and how my sacrifice can and should correlate to theirs.
Okay, so one of the things on our list for the last two years has been to purchase a newer car. I LOVE my car - a 1997 Mazda Protege that has 153, 279 miles on it as we speak. Dad & Mom bought it for me as a graduation/wedding present, and I know it was a sacrifice/huge gift on their part. I love that car. Yes, it has it's quirks/loud noises/issues, but it runs well, and I'm emotionally attached. But, this year is the year we've said we will buy a car. We'll pay cash. We've been saving. We have no idea what we want. I've had a feeling for a month that it will be soon despite our real plans for mid to late in the year. I've listened to the ads on the radio for that "great deal," but I haven't felt the need to test drive and really don't know what I want. Okay - here's what I want - good gas mileage, safe, affordable, last a long time (like another 10 years, 150,000 miles). Otherwise, I'm good - standard or automatic, power all or power nothing, some neutral color, but, whatever.Here's where I start crying, again. Jeremy shared our car plan with a friend of ours. Friend of ours today says they have an extra car they need to sale - at a good price. So, tonight we went to check it out. First, I'm always blown away at the way people take care of us. I don't know why I ever ask questions of God, but sometimes I do, then something like this comes along, and He sets me back in my place. This is a terrific car at a terrific price. As a matter of fact, this car will allow us to give closer to or at Jeremy's figure for the building campaign. I couldn't help but almost weep when I drove it tonight - a gift from my Father, yet again. When I get wrapped up in what I am able do and what I will have to give up for His kingdom, God steps in, slaps my hand a little, and blesses me in the process. Talk about humility.
We're still praying about it, but good grief is He giving me a lesson right in the middle of it all!
For instance, as a child I remember a rough time for my parents and seeing dad put $50 in the offering plate. I remember asking him why he did that when we needed that money. He taught me an important lesson that day, you always give to God first because it's the right thing to do. I remember our first few months of marriage when Jeremy and I began to tithe. We made $1250 a month. I remember thinking, are you kidding me? But we did. It's been a discipline we've followed our whole marriage. Last month Jeremy asked me to start thinking about how much to contribute to the building campaign that's coming up at StoneWater. I named a figure (a very conservative figure) and he named a figure (a very liberal figure). I remember being ticked off that he would even think of that per month for 3 years. It simply was not possible. I mean, we know some great givers, amazing givers, and I am always in awe that God has blessed them to give the way they do; I can't conceive of it. But, I guess I've never thought of the sacrifice they are giving, and how my sacrifice can and should correlate to theirs.
Okay, so one of the things on our list for the last two years has been to purchase a newer car. I LOVE my car - a 1997 Mazda Protege that has 153, 279 miles on it as we speak. Dad & Mom bought it for me as a graduation/wedding present, and I know it was a sacrifice/huge gift on their part. I love that car. Yes, it has it's quirks/loud noises/issues, but it runs well, and I'm emotionally attached. But, this year is the year we've said we will buy a car. We'll pay cash. We've been saving. We have no idea what we want. I've had a feeling for a month that it will be soon despite our real plans for mid to late in the year. I've listened to the ads on the radio for that "great deal," but I haven't felt the need to test drive and really don't know what I want. Okay - here's what I want - good gas mileage, safe, affordable, last a long time (like another 10 years, 150,000 miles). Otherwise, I'm good - standard or automatic, power all or power nothing, some neutral color, but, whatever.Here's where I start crying, again. Jeremy shared our car plan with a friend of ours. Friend of ours today says they have an extra car they need to sale - at a good price. So, tonight we went to check it out. First, I'm always blown away at the way people take care of us. I don't know why I ever ask questions of God, but sometimes I do, then something like this comes along, and He sets me back in my place. This is a terrific car at a terrific price. As a matter of fact, this car will allow us to give closer to or at Jeremy's figure for the building campaign. I couldn't help but almost weep when I drove it tonight - a gift from my Father, yet again. When I get wrapped up in what I am able do and what I will have to give up for His kingdom, God steps in, slaps my hand a little, and blesses me in the process. Talk about humility.
We're still praying about it, but good grief is He giving me a lesson right in the middle of it all!
Humility Brings You Closer to God - re-post
Jeremy and I have decided to purchase the car. I find it no coincidence that what was asked for the car was almost exactly what what we had in savings and excess checking. Of course, our savings is a money market, so the funds aren't readily available. It will take probably until the end of the month for the funds to be available, and I figure this is another one of God's plans to teach me something, like, maybe, patience? He knows I need a good dose of that!
I do have to rejoice and share a moment of what I feel is successful parenting in the middle of this story. On our way to look at the car last week, we were talking to the kids about what we were doing. "We're going to go and look at a car to buy." Hudson's immediate response was, "Dad, we don't need a new car. This one is perfectly fine, and, besides, cars cost a lot of money. We should save our money." At this point I felt my heart swell, and I thought to myself, 'We've taught him so well.' Jenna quickly responded, "Wait a minute, Hudson. This new car might have an air conditioner that works!" HA! If you're not familiar, the Protege's air conditioner is somewhat unstable - okay, it hasn't really worked the last two summers. There is a freon leak, so it doesn't cool well unless we've just had a charge of freon, and that weekend it had been in the 80s with no recent freon charge.
Can I tell you that cars really don't matter to me? Really. Lexus - don't care. BMW - whatever. I want safe, economic, and durable. I didn't even know what a Toyota Avalon was when Jeremy asked me if I would drive one (I'm pretty adamant about something small and highly maneuverable - I can parallel park the Protege ANYwhere). I know the Corolla and Camry. Well, when I saw the car with its leather seats, DVD players in back for the kids, and sunroof, I got uncomfortable. I shouldn't be driving a car like this. Too nice. I guess as a "pastor's wife," I feel like people are watching to see how I spend my money. Too nice a car might make us start looking like some of those TV evangelists that live too large. You're right; I'll never please everyone, but those are the thoughts I have.
I did love the way it drove - smooth, quiet, turns quite sharply. Though I don't think I'll be parallel parking for a while! We took the car on Sunday, and I think by Wednesday I let myself get excited about it. I spent the first two days worried - what will others think? should we really spend the money, I mean, my car is still running? too nice? On Thursday I even took the liberty of driving with the sunroof open and started using the radio and AC controls on the steering wheel. I LOVE it. We returned the car Thursday night. Once we have the check in hand, we'll go and make the exchange. They offered to let us go ahead and take it, but that didn't feel right.
So, in the last week, God's messed with me a little. The car is such a gift from Him. He watches out for us all the time (not just material things - though He's blessed us with an amazing grill, an amazing camera - friendships - my job share - my children - their health - on and on). Gifts from Him are all around me, everywhere I look. This most recent blessing has really done a number on me. I've been very open that I've been searching for what God wants me to do. I've been open that I haven't really surrendered it ALL. God has put me in such a place of humility and praise, that, can I tell you, I will do w-h-a-t-e-v-e-r He calls me to do. Full, total surrender.
I think the change has made my husband more attracted to me. We've talked more about giving to the church building, and I'm not even flinching at anything. We've talked more about what God might be calling me to do in a ministry sense, and I'm not flinching at anything. It's also VERY weird because I'm not even flinching on the inside. I just want to give back to God. I want to show Him how very, very grateful I am. How very much I see Him as the Lord of my life. It feels really good.
I challenge you - look to see where God is blessing you in your life. How can you show God that you are grateful? What can you do for Him?
I do have to rejoice and share a moment of what I feel is successful parenting in the middle of this story. On our way to look at the car last week, we were talking to the kids about what we were doing. "We're going to go and look at a car to buy." Hudson's immediate response was, "Dad, we don't need a new car. This one is perfectly fine, and, besides, cars cost a lot of money. We should save our money." At this point I felt my heart swell, and I thought to myself, 'We've taught him so well.' Jenna quickly responded, "Wait a minute, Hudson. This new car might have an air conditioner that works!" HA! If you're not familiar, the Protege's air conditioner is somewhat unstable - okay, it hasn't really worked the last two summers. There is a freon leak, so it doesn't cool well unless we've just had a charge of freon, and that weekend it had been in the 80s with no recent freon charge.
Can I tell you that cars really don't matter to me? Really. Lexus - don't care. BMW - whatever. I want safe, economic, and durable. I didn't even know what a Toyota Avalon was when Jeremy asked me if I would drive one (I'm pretty adamant about something small and highly maneuverable - I can parallel park the Protege ANYwhere). I know the Corolla and Camry. Well, when I saw the car with its leather seats, DVD players in back for the kids, and sunroof, I got uncomfortable. I shouldn't be driving a car like this. Too nice. I guess as a "pastor's wife," I feel like people are watching to see how I spend my money. Too nice a car might make us start looking like some of those TV evangelists that live too large. You're right; I'll never please everyone, but those are the thoughts I have.
I did love the way it drove - smooth, quiet, turns quite sharply. Though I don't think I'll be parallel parking for a while! We took the car on Sunday, and I think by Wednesday I let myself get excited about it. I spent the first two days worried - what will others think? should we really spend the money, I mean, my car is still running? too nice? On Thursday I even took the liberty of driving with the sunroof open and started using the radio and AC controls on the steering wheel. I LOVE it. We returned the car Thursday night. Once we have the check in hand, we'll go and make the exchange. They offered to let us go ahead and take it, but that didn't feel right.
So, in the last week, God's messed with me a little. The car is such a gift from Him. He watches out for us all the time (not just material things - though He's blessed us with an amazing grill, an amazing camera - friendships - my job share - my children - their health - on and on). Gifts from Him are all around me, everywhere I look. This most recent blessing has really done a number on me. I've been very open that I've been searching for what God wants me to do. I've been open that I haven't really surrendered it ALL. God has put me in such a place of humility and praise, that, can I tell you, I will do w-h-a-t-e-v-e-r He calls me to do. Full, total surrender.
I think the change has made my husband more attracted to me. We've talked more about giving to the church building, and I'm not even flinching at anything. We've talked more about what God might be calling me to do in a ministry sense, and I'm not flinching at anything. It's also VERY weird because I'm not even flinching on the inside. I just want to give back to God. I want to show Him how very, very grateful I am. How very much I see Him as the Lord of my life. It feels really good.
I challenge you - look to see where God is blessing you in your life. How can you show God that you are grateful? What can you do for Him?
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