God's Provision & Generosity

My parents, even from the youngest times I can remember, have always taught me about money and tithing. I remember the importance they taught me of taking care of my things instead of simply replacing them when I lost or broke them. I remember the lessons of balancing the checkbook and about using credit cards only for what could be paid off. I remember the biggest lesson - the day I saw Dad write & give a tithe check when I knew things were tight. I questioned him, "Dad, why give money to the church when we need it?" I remember him explaining that the Bible said we were to give a portion of what we received back to God through the church - no matter what.

I've followed those lessons to perfection in life (chalk it up to a little perfectionism/OCD tendencies). It could be argued that some of them I've been too good at following. For instance, I internalized the "take care of things" to the point that for many years it was very, very difficult for me to share i.e. let other people borrow or even to take things to functions to share them. One instance specifically comes to mind. Early in our marriage we had just "splurged" on one of those $20 thingies with about 5 old Atari games on it. Jeremy wanted to take it to church for the youth to play some competitions. I had a cow. A large cow. Then, it ended up disappearing. I didn't let him hear the end of it for a while. Then, there's the constant, "Why did you do that? You better make sure we get it back!" every time he would loan "stuff" out, and you can just imagine when he gave something away! And, a few years ago, you better bet that if I bought you a coke, I had a mental tally of how many you 'owed' me. [Not any more for those of you that think I may have a magic number in my head.] God has truly healed me of this stinginess in the past year to the point that I truly don't have a clue what the 'balance' might be, and I like it!

I always rationalized it. In the beginning of our marriage, we were both full time students living on grants, scholarships, and Jer working as a youth intern & substitute. We figured it up once, and we were living on about $500 a month. That was when we started tithing. It was hard. I mean, we did not spend more than we could pay off on credit each month, and to start that $50 tithe...well, it first fell under the "take care of things" category. I mean, I was supposed to take care of what God had given me, and to give it away?

But God used it. That should have sent us into the red. It didn't. Then, when Jer felt convicted to give for other things, I submitted, but with gritted teeth thinking, "this will show him because we won't be able to pay the bills!" We never missed a bill. We never even paid one late. We even had money left to buy our first bicycles - matching green from WalMart!

God's always been faithful to us like that. He's provided for us more than I could ever think to ask for (beyond those super selfish indulgence askings). He provided the camera I began my photography business with through some amazingly generous friends. He's provided for StoneWater through some amazingly generous people. Generosity is contagious. He's transformed my heart from one of cold-hearted hoarding in the guise of "taking care of my stuff" into one that loves to give. I'm still not where I hope to one day be, but giving doesn't make me break out in a panic, and it doesn't make me start thinking of reasons why to not give.

I set the stage for all of this because I'm about to relate a story that's just a tad bit beyond the believable. It really is.

There is a point in photography were a camera upgrade is actually needed. I have loved and adored my camera (the Nikon D200) for 2 1/2 years, and I've learned how to push it to it's max and even work around some things that shouldn't work. But, facing facts, and the fact that technology improves so quickly, it has been time to upgrade. The cameras I had my eye on were $2500. That's a bit of change for a beginning business that's still at hobby level. I've looked at the two cameras for months now, and even met up with two photographers to try their cameras since each owned one of the ones I was looking at. Desire grew as well as the knowledge of how much more I could do artistically and how much time it would save me if I took the plunge.

I made the decision a few months back, and when I got to the site to purchase the camera - out of stock. I chalked it up to God's speaking and moved on. A few sessions later I was in a situation that exceeded the limits of my camera. A bit frustrated and downhearted, I took another approach that worked fine. Not what I wanted, but fine nonetheless. I began praying for discernment between what I wanted and what I needed because it's always easier to covet a desire than uncover a true need. As I processed images from the session, I knew my answer - it was beyond want.

So, I continued to pray, knowing that I didn't have the money in the bank, but also that I was on my way toward having the money. It became an even harder decision when I reflected on what I learned in Crown Financial Bible Studies - "Just as the rich rule the poor, so the borrower is servant to the lender" (Pr 22:7), "Steady plodding brings prosperity; hasty speculation brings poverty" (Pr 21:5), "I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity...." (Phil 4:11-13), and  "No servant can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money" (Luke 16:13). I lived through Luke 16:13 when I registered for the Raver/Ryden/Jansen workshop a few months ago. I knew I would have the money by the time I had to have it to pay in full, but I spent those months taking every single job that came up and just about wore myself out! I was definitely a slave to the workshop that owed money for.

As a caveat, I want to make sure I don't promote going into debt. If you've studied the Scriptures and/or taken Crown Financial or one of the other great financial Bible studies out there, debt is not a favorable situation to be in. I'm not saying it is. There are also caveats in Crown regarding business debt being regarded differently. In all honesty, we had the money to pay for the workshop and the camera from our personal account. But, the business is a separate entity, and I feel strongly that the business should not take away from the family finances. Bottom line, when I refer to 'debt,' I'm referring to Misti White Photography going into debt to the Jeremy White family should I not be able to cover a bill from the business account.

I continued to pray for discernment if the purchase was truly the right decision, and I felt the release from God to purchase the camera on July 18, so I went to the site and put it in my shopping cart. I had a moment of epiphany, though, when I realized I should check the cycle date on my credit card & see when it closed as that could potentially buy me an additional month + time before the due date to earn the money. The statement showed the cycle would close on the 18th, so I waited. I spent the night in prayer with a heavy heart as I churned over the decision. Jeremy was gone, the kids in bed, and I just fell prostrate on the floor in prayer and worship. In the light of the new morning, it was clear and I felt excited and confident in the purchase.

So, I did it.

My email, facebook inbox, and phone began to fill up with requests for sessions in the next weeks. My online ordering system was regularly notifying me of new orders. My faith in God grew as I saw him providing in a most generous way.

I just received the online notice that my business card has a new statement.

I have diligently written down every penny I have taken in since July 19. I sat this morning and totaled it prior to looking up the exact figure of the camera that is on the credit statement. The total? $2414.34.

I knew this was in the neighborhood of the camera purchase, around $2400, so I excitedly went to my statement.

The exact cost of the camera as I see on my credit card statement? $2414.34

to.the.penny.

I have never made that much in a month. Heck, that's about what I made in the first six months of this year combined together. Luck? No way. That's my God blowing me away with his goodness and mercy.

God's Faithfulness

Deuteronomy 7:8-10 (New International Version)

⁸ But it was because the LORD loved you and kept the oath he swore to your forefathers that he brought you out with a mighty hand and redeemed you from the land of slavery, from the power of Pharaoh king of Egypt. ⁹ Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands. ¹⁰ But those who hate him he will repay to their face by destruction; he will not be slow to repay to their face those who hate him.

I've always struggled with the idea of God being faithful. It's not that I think God isn't faithful; I know God IS faithful, but the idea of Him, the Almighty Creator of the universe, to be faithful to ME, a sinful-hearted being of His creation, just blows me away. I'm not worthy of His faithfulness. It just makes me feel so, well, sinful, prideful, arrogant, and unworthy. But the beauty of it is that it also makes me feel humble. Humility is the best feeling there is when it's God centered.

This past week we had the blessing to go to Pine Cove family camp (Bluff, week 7 - woot woot!) and had Bob Kerning as our speaker. Bob focused on the Beatitudes, and one of the ones he focused on was "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."--Matthew v:3.

I don't think I've ever really thought through the meaning of "the poor in spirit." But at Bob explicated, poor in spirit = becoming more attached to God.

1. If I humble myself (poor in spirit), it will reduce my stress because I have nothing to prove and I'm dependent on God and not myself. It's not of my power I'm working, but of His and His alone. I don't have to prove how good I am or worry that I'm not good enough. It's not ME; it's Him.
2. Humility improves my relationships because I have nothing to lose. Humility doesn't mean I think less of myself, but that I think more of other people. I'm more interested in the lives of others than telling others about my life or focusing on my life.
3. Humility releases the power of God.

When I thought through the idea of being poor in spirit, it became apparent to me that then I will rejoice in God's faithfulness because I'm not looking at it from the arrogance of my nature and my desires. I don't how many times I've told myself that God is faithful, but inside I've cringed because it just felt so selfish. It probably was, but now that I have a different perspective, I'm rejoicing in God's faithfulness in my life.

Happiness is a choice, and it begins with humility.

I've been on a bit of a bumpy ride the last few months, and God has given me an incredible peace as he used the bumps and valleys to draw me closer to Him. Closer to Him than I've been in a long, long time, well, maybe ever. The last time I had to hang on to God so tightly and realize and recognize that He was all that could do it was when we moved to Granbury to do this church planting thing. He was faithful in that He did what He promised to do in His Word, and we have seen countless lives changed. Not of anything we did, but of His extraordinary grace.

I think over the course of 5 years and all the extraordinary things He allowed me to do, all the balls he allowed me to keep in in the air so gracefully, and all the amazing experiences, I began to think a little too much of myself. Like, that I could do it all - it was Misti who was all that. While it hurt a bit to learn the lesson that I'm really not Wonder Woman, I'm super thankful that my God is Wonder God and that He has refreshed me and renewed me to a place of humility.

Tonight I'm just overcome with thankfulness and humility for God's faithfulness.

PS - I've been away for so long because I've not felt like I had a post "good enough" to share. When I was pondering my thoughts on God's faithfulness and humility, I felt the Spirit prompting me to get over myself and post.

One Month Later

Well, here it is, one month from the day that my world had a little earthquake of it's own. I didn't officially know as of yet, but I knew, if you know what I mean.

Can I admit that a wide variety of thoughts coursed through my head in the next 5 days?

"God, you're doing this because you're going to take one of my children, and this is a replacement. I don't want it. I just want the two I have."
I've always had this irrational fear of losing one of my children. Abduction. Illness. Drive by shooting (yeah, I told you they're irrational). The places my mind can go when it comes to my children is astonishing and embarrassing.

"God, you've involved me in NILMDTS because this is going to end badly. I'd rather not deal with that, thank you."

"God, this is incredible! I have to count this as a miracle - a true, palpable miracle in my life. Thank you!"

"God, I've been looking for an answer. Thank you for giving me such a clear sign."

"God, this is one of those little reminders that YOU'RE the one in control, huh? I know, I get it, never say never! You're so funny! Thank you for reminding me You are God."

And then, the next few weeks left me just as confused.

"If you were just going to take the baby, why?"

"It was all that caffeine and junk I was eating the whole week before I knew because I was so tired but trying to get everything in my overfilled schedule done. Wow, what a lesson in taking care of your temple."

"I sure have a lot of stuff I do for my family, and not with my family. What a renewed vision for motherhood."

"God, again, you remind me that you are the Almighty. The one in charge. Thank you for reminding me You are God."

This post is prompted by a book I'm reading Dancing with My Father by Sally Clarkson. A friend, a friend who knows my heart and the struggles of my world, bought me this book. I have to praise God for friendships. You need to know that I also have Sally's book The Mission of Motherhood. It's one of those books that I spiked in the middle of reading after balking over one of her points that then created a deep Biblical study and discussion between Jeremy and I. (I'll spare you the details on that one because, as often happens, I'm re-processing it and plan to re-read the book. But, I'm sure it will make another post in the upcoming months.)

Anyway, I'm on a retreat in Austin with my hubby. Usually I attend all the sessions and socialize and encourage, but I came with one goal (maybe two) - spend as much time in the room alone to read and rest. So, I have! Yes, I feel a little guilty that others are in sessions, I haven't been to work out yet, haven't graded any papers, and I've been on the computer too much, but I want to cherish this book.

The motif of my life is back: open our hands and release what you're holding on to. The first time I read it, I just stopped and stared. I didn't know whether to cry or laugh. I think I've read the same metaphor three times now, and I'm on page 70. Maybe I'm overly sensitive? Yeah, I think so, and I'm supposed to be, clearly.

What just grabbed my attention and made me start typing was this verse:
"Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing" (James 1:2-4).

All of my random, misguided, untrusting thoughts from above are summed up in these verses from James. God tested my faith. I don't need to understand the answers, I need to believe that He loves me. And I do.

Sovereignty

as a noun:
1. supreme excellence or an example of it
2. supreme power especially over a body politic; freedom from external control; controlling influence
3. one that is sovereign (one possessing sovereignty); one that exercises supreme authority

as an adjective:
1. excellent 2. of the most exalted kind 3. having undisputed ascendancy

God is Sovereign.

Habakkuk 3:17-19
Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.
The Sovereign Lord is my strength;
He makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to go on the heights.

I have to remind myself of this often - especially during the times of life that I just don't understand. The commentary from christnotes.com explains that these verses come from a time when the prophet looked back upon the history of the church, what God had done, and was filled with holy joy. "He resolved to delight and triumph in the Lord; for when all is gone, his God is not gone." He goes on to say that, "Joy in the Lord is especially seasonable when we meet with losses and crosses in the world," and we can be comforted by the Spirit through grace.

It's a significant passage to me. Combine it with Jer. 29:11-13 and Ps. 139: 13-16.

See, the story I'm about to share with you doesn't have a happy ending. It leaves me scratching my head and wondering, "why?" But, I can rest with full confidence that my God is a Sovereign God. He knows me and has known me since I was in my mother's womb. His plans for me are for my own good. I know He's drawn me close to my husband, children, and most importantly, Him, in the last 11 days.

See, a little over 5 years ago, I have birth to a bouncing baby boy. Around month 4 of pregnancy, before we even knew we were having a little boy, a complement to our little girl, we knew and had a peace that this would be our final addition to the family. After I had a chance to greet my little boy, nurse, and check to see he was healthy, I was wheeled in for a tubal ligation. Cut, sew, cauterize. Done.

Sitting at Kobeya Hibachi in Southlake 12 days ago with delightful church planter's wives, I found myself beside a woman who is in her 7th month of pregnancy. She asked if we would have any other children, and I gave my whole logical spill about why two were perfect for us and how my tubes had been tied shortly after the birth of our son. In the back of my mind I knew I was probably a little late, but it had been a very stressful, busy week as we finished the final touches of moving into the new church building.

The chef brought out the raw meat to be cooked and the moment I saw the chicken and smelled the chicken, my stomach did that wave, and I knew. It wasn't stress. I put it to the back of my mind, but 1 (sore boobage) + 1 (excessive tiredness) + 1 (when did I have a period last?) + 1 (nausea off and on for a few days) = 4 (pregnant). It was fairly easy to dismiss, after all, the other factor in this mathematical, logical equation was + 1 (tubal ligation) = 5, not 4!

Sunday morning, I woke and my stomach just rolled. I had one test up in the bathroom cabinet from a "scare" back in September/October. I did the thing you do, and, to my astonishment/panic saw the wetness glide across the window and with the wetness glistened a line. It was one of those tests that didn't make a +, so I took it to Jeremy (who was studying for his message that day - not the best timing on my part - but I was in shock). As I presented him with the box and the test, "Am I reading this right?"

Then, I went into, "There's a logical explanation for this, right?" "I mean, how? I mean, I know how, but HOW?" The sweet man just hugged me and reassured me that it was all going to be okay, and we went on with our day. I know our first Sunday at the new building was amazing for StoneWater, but I don't remember much more than that line from 6:15 in the morning.

Because one test isn't enough, by Monday morning, this is what the counter of the bathroom looked like:


I mean, one could have come up negative! All I could think was: post partum depression again, midnight feedings, where do we put him/her, I can't possibly add one more thing to my life - so what's going to go?, can I do this again? God, what is this? I don't wanna. Please, no.

Monday at precisely 8:01am, I phoned the drs. office. "Um, I have my tubes tied but I've had 4 positive pregnancy tests." The reply, "since when?" "Since yesterday morning. I just keep taking them. What do I do?" The answer was a 1:55 appointment.

"Tubals fail 1% of the time. You're one in 100! We just need to figure out how far along you are." I had to ask, "so the test was positive?" All we could do was giggle. I mean, this wasn't our plan, so it had to be God's. What are you going to do? Laugh and love. Now it was just time to figure out where this little peanut was in there.

Meanwhile, I'm given the instructions, "if you feel any pain in your pelvis, call us immediately and go to the ER. An ectopic pregnancy can rupture." (of course, I've been all over the internet and already know all of this) Can I tell you how many odd pangs I had in my pelvis?!

Tuesday morning, after a good 12 hours of sleep - because after you know the facts, why try to push yourself through the tiredness, I drag myself out of bed. After showering, I look myself in the mirror and repeat, out loud I think, "You're pregnant. You're having a baby," because I had to convince myself this was happening. This is also the day I shared with some of my friends the need for prayer - for shock, for excitement, for health.

Wednesday, again, good sleep, drag out of bed - "You are pregnant" in the mirror. Repeat blood work (oh, how I love needles).

Thursday, drag out of bed, repeat my mantra (which has become a multiple-times-a-day thing). At some point I realized I was beginning to bleed. It was a strange rush of emotions, almost as powerful as seeing the positive test (all 4 times I might add). There was relief. There was sadness. There was guilt. I phoned the doctor, again inarticulate with my words, but they got the idea. A few hours later, comparing the hcg levels from Monday to Wednesday, a miscarriage was confirmed.

I know my God is Sovereign. He has a plan and this is part of it. I don't understand it. Why bring me to pregnancy (with my TUBES TIED) to take the baby? I know there are a hundred answers to that question, and I don't really want or need an answer. I know it wasn't anything I did, but the guilt has still been there. The loss is still there, even after a few short days of knowing.

The plan, for those of you who might be wondering, is for the other half (that would be the Mr.) to take his turn at a try of sterilization. Obviously, I have wonder tubes (or floozies, as I've called them) who have a mind of their own.

God is Almighty, and He is Sovereign. He is in control.