Fear, Peace & Joy

Thank you to so many of you for commenting, calling, praying, and loving me after the last post. I am sorry that it seems to have freaked out so many people! But, can I tell you how much I value your wisdom and love? I truly do.

My dear sister, Lisa, asked me, “What is your passion?” After I listed about 10 things, she said, “that’s too many.” Yep. Therein lies the problem.

When I’m at school, I love it (now).
When I’m at home cleaning or doing laundry, I love it. (I really do!)
When I’m with my children, I love it.
When I’m taking pictures, I love it.
When I’m ministering to others, I love it.
When I’m processing pictures, I love it.

Sigh. So much to love, so little time. That's really my quandary. I listened to Andy Stanley's series Discovering God's Will a year or two ago, and there was one message that hit on the idea of margin - that space in our lives where we live, rest, and play. It was in this time period that I knew I had to make changes at work and pursued the job share. I find myself in the same place.

I enjoyed the first year of part time work, but, as could be expected, I have filled every nook and cranny of life with busyness even with my "extra" time not spent in the classroom. I knew it was a challenge I would face, to avoid filling that time, and I failed. I laugh as I admit that failure because I got so upset with people who told me I still wouldn't get it all done. I did, for a while, until "the extra" came in and planted her tush right in the middle!

Another wise friend asked me today, "What is going to keep you from doing the same thing if you stop working?" Good point. The fact is, I'm going to fill my time, no matter how much I'm given. The grass does seem greener on the stay-at-home side when it comes to time. Time is about management, no matter how much I'm given.

So, in a much more optimistic position, I stumbled on to a post by a fellow pastor wife today that was touting Christine Caine's new book Can I Have And Do It All, Please? which led me straight to Amazon to read: (you can't block indent on blogger, by the way)

The truth is, you can have it all, and you can do it all...but often it's an incorrect perception of what the "all" is that can leave us feeling like we fall short. If we want to do this adventure called life well, and fulfil the purpose God has for our lives, we need to discover what His definition of the "all" is, and go after that. 21

I think that's the hardest part of this "decision." What is my purpose, and what is the "all" that God wants for me. As soon as I think of 100 reasons to stay home, I think of 100 more to stay put and work for the glory of God in the schools.

So, my search is for peace and joy in the wake of human fear.

Be Still

Where I have I been? Good question. In denial, I believe. Maybe confusion. Patiently waiting? Can I pass it off as patiently waiting? Didn't think so.

Busyness has been my blindfold and comfort, of sorts, as I avoid dealing with the situation at hand. I truly need to get away, all alone, in a very barren location with only my Bible and an iPod of worship music. I do. I've heard of retreats where they take all electronic devices for a period of about four days, and you spend time with God. I cry right now as I think of how delightful that would be.

I cry a lot lately.

Usually behind doors where no one, not even Jeremy, sees or hears.

I tell everyone I'm fine.

I'm so confused.

Right now I'm a very emotional woman! I mean, we're all emotional, aren't we, ladies? I have a friend who's husband used to wave his hands in the air and say, "Wheeee, riding the Christy roller coaster!!!" She'd roll her eyes, and they'd move on. (we just lost touch, they're still married) But, honestly, I think Jeremy probably thinks, "I wonder which of Sybil's personalities is going to greet me?" when he sees I'm calling or arrives home. It would be a valid question. Some days I'm inside of myself thinking, "who are you?"

I'm also a very logical lady. Really, I am. Not just because I had a perfect 100 in Philosophy 240 at A&M, that's the logic class and I don't know why it was on my degree plan, and I beat Jeremy and Joey. But, I digress, that whole story is for another time. I'm an analyzer. I like to take a slow, methodical approach to figuring things out. I'm a slow processor. Please don't rush me when I'm making an important decision (even if that important decision is what to have for lunch).

As a result, there's a war going on inside of Misti White - emotion versus logic. The battle is ON. And, I'm stuck right smack in the middle.

Back to busyness. I desire more than anything for my life to slow down. I want to spend a day on the couch. I want to spend more than 15 to 20 minutes in a Bible study and prayer (excluding prayer while running because I keep getting distracted by deer - yes, behind Our Savior Lutheran a beautiful buck & doe - potholes, dogs, and so forth). I want

"to sit at your feet

drink from the cup in your hand

lay back against you and breathe

feel your heartbeat

This love is so deep

It's more than I can stand

I melt in your peace,

It's overwhelming."

I want that peace. This song would be the latest addition to my iPod tonight. I just flat out broke down tonight at the Women's Night of Worship when we were singing that song. Can I tell you that I don't break down in public? I don't. And, I hid it very quickly. But that's what I want. I want to just sit with Jesus. Just be with Him. His overwhelming peace. I want His direction for what is best.

Please tell me. Please.

I was so sure it was time to walk away. But...

Since the inception of the church, I saw, I know God's role for my life was to work. My gift has been the gift of reassurance for working mothers. It's okay. It's okay to work - to want to work, to enjoy work - as long as you are serving God first, and family second. When that became flipped, God provided a miracle part time position. For 12 years my work has been my ministry. I am the only example of Jesus some of those students see. It's no accident I was called late in July for an unexpected job opening, that I was NOT the favored interviewee - the other lady had it, but she totally blew her interview, that I didn't even plan to show up for the interview that day but it was against my good character to be a no show, that I had every intention to decline the offer except my then-principal gave me a good hour long talk and a week to think about it and make up my mind! All God.

I don't want to sound high and mighty because every one of these statements is a God given gift, a way that He is using me. I'm the only wife of a pastoral staff that works, albeit part time. I have a whole different perspective, and so does Jeremy. I have a whole different set of insight. I help us stay connected to what's happening in the community via school (that one was from Jeremy). Honestly, and humbly, I'm good at what I do. Or, I was. This year, in all seriousness, I'm not as good. In various conversations with fellow teachers, I have been told that I give a calmness and peace and joy by being there (and I don't know how this is happening; clearly my emotional turmoil is not as evident at school). I have parents that thank me over and over for being a spiritual light for their children and for truly caring.

I feel like I should stay for these reasons. Also, logically, I don't want to leave on a 'downer' year. I also don't think I'll go back once I leave; am I ready for that? I think next year will be easier with fewer changes (presumably). Those all seem very 'Misti oriented' answers.

But I sat on stage at church a few weeks back and I lied. I said how much I loved teaching and how much it was who I am, and I almost cried. It was hollow. I felt hollow as I spoke the words.

I just want to do what glorifies God. I don't know what that is. I don't like riding the fence. I want to be hot or cold, that's biblical, right!?! I know the first part of the answer is to be still. I don't want to be Martha, but I totally am.

I need to be still.

Exodus 14:14The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."

Psalm 46:10"Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."

If you made it this far, thanks for sticking through that with me, that's one reason I haven't blogged. I have 4 drafts saved that are just as rambling as this one (just various stages of emotion).