We'll call her Laura...

And she looks like this:

You were afraid I was going to show you the other little lady, weren't you. Oh my, no way, Jose. But right after my mammogram, while the technician went to ask the radiologist if I needed an ultrasound (standard procedure on 'a lump'), I snapped a quick picture of "the machine." Forgive the slight blurriness - it was darkish but I didn't want to break out the flash because who takes a picture of a mammogram machine?

I can happily report that all the talk of "squishing" and the discomfort and even pain = none of that. Cold hands, yes. And, when I did dare to look at that part of me all displayed and squished, well, I was quite impressed. (probably more than you ever wanted to know...but there's more!) Interesting tidbit #1: in mammography images, your breasts should be mirror images of one another. Where there is dense matter on one, there should be the same on the opposite. Who knew? But I sure hope I get to see the images, I like "find the differences" games.

The radiologist confirmed we need to follow with an ultrasound, so I sported my gown down a different hallway. Ultrasound has trouble locating lump. Seems 'she' falls between my ribs when lying on my back. Sitting up proved a better viewing. tidbit #2: A cyst is obvious as a dark spot because it's filled with fluid.  I saw my rib, my lung, and some breast tissue, but no dark spot, so, no cyst. Interesting tidbit #3: my breasts are "lumpy, fibrous, and dense" (and now we know each other all the better, but refrain from feeling what 'lumpy, fibrous, and dense' feels like for comparison, please ;) ).

So, while it seems to sound good that she couldn't really find anything, I don't have any answers. I was lead to believe (should have listened better) that the radiologist would come out and talk to me about it, perhaps let me see it, but no such luck. "The doctor should call you tomorrow. But, well, tomorrow is Friday, and many offices close early, so maybe Monday. Don't spend your weekend worrying if you don't hear tomorrow." All I could think was, "Worry? Really? No reason to worry!"

This, by the way, makes me think of a passage:

 “That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are?  Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?

 “And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are.  And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?

  “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’  These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

 “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.

Matthew 6:25-34

Perfectly Perfect

I’ve noticed in just the last few days that a few of the same words keep coming from my heart. Repetition is one of those things that I train my students in my AP Language course to pay attention to, “If it’s repeated, there’s a reason. Figure out the ‘so what? who cares?’ behind the repetition.”

Peace. Perfect. My Lord. Opportunity. Perfectly perfect.

As I read over my little list, I wondered what the bible has for “perfect peace”? And…what do you do when you want to know something? You might call your mom; you might ask a friend, but most likely, you Google it. My first go-to for things Bible is biblegateway.com, so I typed in ‘perfect peace’ in the keyword search. Isaiah 26:3 came up in the New Living Translation:

 ³ You will keep in perfect peace
                                  all who trust in you,
                                  all whose thoughts are fixed on you!

I'm looking forward to God's keeping me in his perfect peace today. I can't describe the peace I feel other than "peaceful peace." I know it's redundant, but it's the best description.

My musical gift this morning...Kari Jobe "The More I Seek You":

I wanna sit at your feet
drink from the cup in your hand.
Lay back against you and breath,
hear your heart beat

This love is so deep,
it's more than I can stand.
I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming

I wanna sit at your feet
drink from the cup in your hand.
Lay back against you and breath,
hear your heart beat

This love is so deep,
it's more than I can stand.
I melt in your peace...

The 'so what? who cares?'? The Lord is my God and he's with me. I believe his promises, and I believe this is nothing.

I have it - perfect peaceful peace - and I want even more!

Confirmed

Sometimes I can be a hypochondriac; you should have known me when I took Abnormal Psyc in college - whoo wee. So, I kept checking each time I went to the restroom this morning (those of you not in the teaching world, that equals every 55 minutes - what can I say, I drink a lot...).

Still today - total and complete peace. Can't even describe it other than "peaceful peace." I'm an English teacher, I know it's redundant, but it's spot on for how I feel. I can literally feel the Spirit as my Counselor and Comfort. It's so exhilarating. Jeremy has phoned to check on me at least 5 times today (he's in Florida at a conference that is SO amazing; he almost stayed home, but I submissively encouraged him to go, go, go!!! I can't wait to see him return renewed, refreshed, and filled!), and all I can tell him is that "I am totally okay."

Here's the wrap up. Doc A and I chatted a bit, we established I don't do routine self checks, and no, I haven't seen another doctor in the last 3 years, it has, in fact, been that long since I had a check up. I'm a bad, bad patient; I only see a doctor when there's something wrong. She did the exam, and about the time she was saying, "I think I might have to have you show me..." her cheerful face dropped (I read body language very carefully), and she said, "nevermind, that is definitely something. It's smooth and seems rounded, those are both good. Yes, it's significant. We'll schedule you for a mammogram and ultrasound. 80% of masses are absolutely fine, remember." Jeremy was hoping for something more, but it's about what I expected.

So, I'm tempted to name it, a her. After all, it has to be a her, right? I mean, she's in my body (female) and in my breast (decidedly feminine), so she's a she. But, if she turns out to be bad, I think I want 'her' to become 'him,' because, well, 'bad girl' has a very different connotation that 'bad guy.' I mean, we all know what a 'bad girl' does, and a 'bad guy;' he's clearly the evil guy, antagonist, dressed in black full of menace and is overcome in the end by a handsome knight on a white horse.

But, I digress, this is really not a post about that, it's about peace.

I've meant to blog about this for, well, right about two weeks now, but 'stuff' keeps getting in the way. It seems it's time to sit still long enough to share some of the overflow of my filling, and it seems all the more special now because I know it's why I'm so filled with peace.

I'm what you could probably label a 'skeptical Christian.' I know God, I trust Jesus, and I have the Holy Spirit dwelling inside of me. So when talk of "baptism of the Holy Spirit" started circling, I got a little cautious. To shorten this story, I felt the urge to branch out a bit and attend a conference at a more "spirit filled" church (which is part of what has always bothered me, we're ALL Spirit filled if we're believers), and my biggest prayer was that I would allow myself to open completely before my God and allow him to transform me and speak to me. I'm also overly critical of speakers, analyzing every piece of body language, how smoothly they speak, what they say, how they say it, and so on. I prayed for that to go away, too.

So, I find myself at the prophesy portion of the conference. I found myself asking God for a word for me as proof, but quickly caught myself and prayed instead for an open heart and anything he would reveal to me. I had to sit down and write what I was hearing, and I am SO excited for where he is taking me as a wife and mother! Then, one of the women had a word for one of my friends, and it was SO spot on for her that it blessed me. I came away significantly changed from the opening of my hard, sinful heart, and I've not been quite the same since :)

 I can sincerely say that I want God's will done, and whatever will bring him the most glory is my desire.

Lump

First, can I say that the first thing that comes to mind is The Presidents of the United States, "She's Lump, She's Lump, She's in my head..."? Yeah, I had that CD in high school. Or was it college? Ah, either one, it's on my iPod now - good running song.

I think you know where I'm going from here. My ob/gyn probably wishes I would just come in for a normal appointment (which I have done once in the last 5 years of living here...maybe twice).

I'm not sure how it came about, but some how I found "it." "It" is resting at the bottomish part of Mrs. Right. About an inch in width and thick is how I would describe it. Seems to 'palpitate' which is what I've caught on is a good thing from friends who have walked this road before me.

What's crazy? How peaceful I've felt. I mean, the words of Roman 8:15  So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children have never been more full and true. I mean, my normal self would say, "Whoa back a moment. This is a BIG deal." But, really, it's not. I mean, I hesitated, significant hesitation, to let my prayer warriors know. I was reasoning with God in the shower this morning (yep, we have morning chats in the shower, you should try it), and telling Him that I didn't need to bother them with any concern because it's fine. I just know. But he kept pressing on my heart that part of asking for prayer is submission to allow others to do for you. Submitting my inmost requests to him in an act of faith is what he desires of my heart. So I did.

On my drive to school (the whole 2 miles), the song that come on my iPod was by Chris Tomlin, "Our God," and the lyrics of the chorus just overflowed with praise from my Spirit, "And if our God is for us, Then who can ever stop us, And if our God is with us, Then what can stand against?" I wish I could convey to you the immensity of the fullness I felt of my Spirit filling and overflowing. Such.Peace.

It was at that moment I felt the most peace. "God, you know if it is "something," I pray that you use it to your Glory." Right after that came out of my lips (yes, I talk, verbally, to God in my car), I replied (to myself, again), "where did that come from? I should be scared, reasoning how it's all wrong. But, why not me? What an awesome opportunity to glorify him and grow closer to him?"

It's weird, but I'm excited to follow God on this journey. Even now, Tomlin is playing in iTunes, "For You and You alone, Awake my soul, Awake my soul and sing, For the world You love, Your will be done in me," and I don't believe I've ever had a more peaceful and sincere prayer.

I offer this as a challenge to you...what are you holding on to - a fear perhaps - that you need to give to him and allow him to grow your faith and allow him to bless you?