My morning was progressively spinning out of control with the details of life swallowing me whole: my computer at work wouldn't log onto my profile (translation - all my links, bookmarks, and emails were gone); a student walked in to tell me he was having surgery tomorrow, and he would like his homework from tomorrow through next week; I hadn't eaten my breakfast; I forgot to send Hudson's milk to school and they were making ice cream; Jeremy wasn't answering his phone; I had a multitude of papers I had put off grading.
Sigh.
In the middle of the chaos I found this email in my inbox (once I got email to work): resignation incentive.
We all know this is where I've been heading. I've been procrastinating, trying to find that fine line between waiting until the last possible minute to really do it and early enough to allow the district the best opportunity to replace me (though I don't think they are, but that's a whole other issue).
Truth be told, although I'm excited about the new opportunities, I'm still scared to let go. I have a hard time letting go.
I emailed Jeremy to MAKE SURE this was the plan. He replied, "Go for it."
So, I sat and typed out my letter. It was a little anticlimactic. I expected to work on it and revise a zillion times so it was 'just so.' But, I believe that precisely the right words came to me. I cried as I wrote it.
As soon as the bell rang to dismiss 3rd period, my last class of the day, I drove over to HR and handed my letter to Diane in HR. Diane used to be the secretary at the high school when I was first hired. She was one of the first people in the district I met, so I liked that little detail that God gave me. She welcomed me at my interview, and she welcomed me on the day I handed in my letter of resignation. She inquired, with a sad face, why I was leaving. I perkily told her the details of building & moving, of wifing and mothering, and of photography and all the opportunities at my new home. I also included the detail that this was a new season, and perhaps in another new season, God will bring me back. I've learned never to say never.
Can I admit that I was perky until I walked out of the building? The moment I exited the doors, floodgates opened. I avoided openly sobbing until I was in the confines of my car. It was a thunderstorm. I returned to the high school, still crying, and hurried to my room. I sat at my desk for a moment and mourned.
I've always had a definite plan, and this is beyond it. I have to remember this verse in James: 14yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
Anticipations of 2011
I love a new year. New opportunities. It's like a blank slate that I get to fill. Fortunately, I've always had TWO, maybe THREE, new year's in the year - New Year's official, the beginning of summer as the school year ends and our family schedule changes, and the beginning of the school year with return to schedules.
I'm excited about 2011. I think this describes it best: Brooke Snow "Winter." She so eloquently worded what I have been searching for how to describe the season I'm walking into.
#1 We're building our first (and last) home! While there is some pressure knowing that we can't "just sell it" if we don't like it, I'm choosing to look at all the excitement. And, hey, if I don't like something, I just adjust. I mean, we've lived in 5 places since we've been married, and all of them have worked fine. The perks: country, which means I can have a garden, and I think I'll get some chickens - yep, you read right! We're going as basic as we can while still realizing we have the rest of our lives here, so it includes a room for photography! I'll also have a real pantry (right now the food is in a cabinet) AND a laundry room (as opposed to freezing or melting out in the garage).
#2 I will be "just" a wife and mom in just 6 shorts months. And yes, I'm keeping photography (of course, I have a room specifically for it!). Wife and mom will be my primary focus for the first time in, well, ever! The challenge here will be for me to be purposeful with how I fill my time: not using it as a way to take MORE sessions, but to use it so that mommy doesn't work once she picks up the kids (other than the occasional evening session that we line out with the family calendar, not to exceed two per week and likely just one). This has never before been a desire of my heart, but God changes our passions and desires to follow His plan, so I'm eagerly anticipating it!
#4 Decluttering. Yes, as we move I'll be literally getting rid of "stuff," but that also includes my busyness. I've been SO convicted here. I have too much on my plate. I hate to say "no" to anything or anyone, and as a result I've overcommitted. I don't enjoy most things I'm doing because I'm always worried about how I'll make it to the next thing or how late I'll be up trying to get it all done. It hurts because I know I have to say "no" to someone and will likely (in my view) hurt them as a result. I'm revisiting Can I Have and Do it All, Please and this time I'm not looking for how to HAVE and DO it ALL, but looking for direction on balance. I'm also going to read (slowly and relish it) Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World. I think my friend loaned me this book 4 years ago because she saw a need in my life. I still have it, but now I'm really going to read more than the first chapter. I'm SOOOO excited, and incredibly apprehensive!
My theme verse for this year is, "But the Lord answered her, 'Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one this is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her." Luke 10:41-42 ESV. I'm praying for the wisdom to recognize the things that cause me to be anxious and troubled, cast them off, and cling to 'the good portion.' I'm looking forward to a year of growing closer to God and my family.
I'm excited about 2011. I think this describes it best: Brooke Snow "Winter." She so eloquently worded what I have been searching for how to describe the season I'm walking into.
#1 We're building our first (and last) home! While there is some pressure knowing that we can't "just sell it" if we don't like it, I'm choosing to look at all the excitement. And, hey, if I don't like something, I just adjust. I mean, we've lived in 5 places since we've been married, and all of them have worked fine. The perks: country, which means I can have a garden, and I think I'll get some chickens - yep, you read right! We're going as basic as we can while still realizing we have the rest of our lives here, so it includes a room for photography! I'll also have a real pantry (right now the food is in a cabinet) AND a laundry room (as opposed to freezing or melting out in the garage).
#2 I will be "just" a wife and mom in just 6 shorts months. And yes, I'm keeping photography (of course, I have a room specifically for it!). Wife and mom will be my primary focus for the first time in, well, ever! The challenge here will be for me to be purposeful with how I fill my time: not using it as a way to take MORE sessions, but to use it so that mommy doesn't work once she picks up the kids (other than the occasional evening session that we line out with the family calendar, not to exceed two per week and likely just one). This has never before been a desire of my heart, but God changes our passions and desires to follow His plan, so I'm eagerly anticipating it!
#3 Running. I'm coming back. This year I will complete the White Rock marathon. Period. I'm taking training partners, so who's in? Right now I'm walking, and in two weeks I start up with two miles, and I'll be going from there. So, you can start with me. You can do it! These verses haunt me (in a good way): "Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body." 1 Cor 9:19-20. There are SO many things that go with that verse, and I'm praying that when I get to heaven, piercing your nose is NOT on the list! More seriously, I have NOT been taking care of my body - no exercise, not eating right, not resting right, too much stress.
#4 Decluttering. Yes, as we move I'll be literally getting rid of "stuff," but that also includes my busyness. I've been SO convicted here. I have too much on my plate. I hate to say "no" to anything or anyone, and as a result I've overcommitted. I don't enjoy most things I'm doing because I'm always worried about how I'll make it to the next thing or how late I'll be up trying to get it all done. It hurts because I know I have to say "no" to someone and will likely (in my view) hurt them as a result. I'm revisiting Can I Have and Do it All, Please and this time I'm not looking for how to HAVE and DO it ALL, but looking for direction on balance. I'm also going to read (slowly and relish it) Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World. I think my friend loaned me this book 4 years ago because she saw a need in my life. I still have it, but now I'm really going to read more than the first chapter. I'm SOOOO excited, and incredibly apprehensive!
My theme verse for this year is, "But the Lord answered her, 'Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one this is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her." Luke 10:41-42 ESV. I'm praying for the wisdom to recognize the things that cause me to be anxious and troubled, cast them off, and cling to 'the good portion.' I'm looking forward to a year of growing closer to God and my family.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Reflections on 2010
2010 was a year of growth. I can look back, as I finally emerge out of a life season that has lasted just over a year, and say that it is the most difficult season of life I've experienced to this point. Although it has been tough, I'm thankful for what God has taught me through it, and I think it's important for me to share (as much for the me of the future as for any of you who might wander upon it :) ). I realize, too, that more challenging life periods will come in my life; some with much more seriousness and gravity, some with more sorrow, and, likely, some that include more times of uncertainty. 2010 wasn't the end of my world; I knew it wasn't even in the depths of uncertainty and confusion, but it was hard.
2010 started in a whirlwind: StoneWater was getting ready to move into Texana Plaza, a quick 2 month preparation and move in turnaround. Needless to say, as with many of the staff & volunteers, that was the craziness of life for the first six weeks of the year. At the end of this time, I figured out why I had been so overwhelmingly tired: despite a tubal ligation in 2004, I was pregnant. After about a week of adjusting (read: crying) to the new situation, I began miscarrying, and thus started a whole new period of adjustment both physically and mentally. This same life event sparked renewed questioning of what to do about my teaching career: continue or place on hold for a while. Mingled in, for good measure, Jeremy and I felt the urge to move to the family land, but really struggled with whether it was the right thing to do for the church, for us financially, and for the family. I found myself on my knees crying out to the words of the Third Day song "Revelation," prostrate in prayer for direction, and realizing that I was in the middle of a desert place.
In the middle of all of this, as I continued to teach part time, God blessed my humble photography business in a way I couldn't even dream would happen a year ago. When I registered my business, it was really more because I'm a rule follower, and I knew that it was a rule to have all the papers filed if I accepted a penny. So I did. I hoped that I could see 4 babies a month in a effort to keep my skills growing. In November, I had 24 full sessions. The teach vs. not teach became critical because it was overwhelmingly clear, I could not continue to do everything.
Enter Misti brain: but I've always been able to do everything. I took 21 and 24 hours a semester in college (and worked and kept a 4.0 average). I taught full time, finished graduate school, and had two babies in a two and half year time period. I taught full time, mothered a 1 year old and a 3 year old, was wife to church planter, and co-led the children's ministry while keeping the books for the new church. Why CAN'T I keep all the balls in the air any more?!! And, I've always had a PLAN - A then B then C. Why can't I do it all & what's the plan! I don't have a plan! I can't keep up with everything! HELP! Help! Mayday! Mayday! I'm going down. (enter more melodramatic musings - the feeling of going over the cliff & clawing to keep from going).
As I read & re-read this condensed version of the last year, it doesn't really seem like a big deal. But I can tell you that my perfectionistic, OCD, life-planned-out self has had a bit of a shaking, and there were some dark times in there. That's how God works, I think. He humbles us by shaking us to our very core, and then when He brings us through it, we sometimes wonder, "what was the big deal?"
The number one lesson of 2010 in my life is that God is the God of my life, and I am not. I like to have a plan (you might have gathered from the above). I like to carry out the plan & check the item off of my to-do list. Check. Done. Complete. Success. It's easy to rely on what you know and find comfort in, but that's not always how He works.
Number two lesson of 2010: trust God. Logically, it still doesn't make sense that I'm leaving a part-time teaching job with steady income, the ability to impact lives, and a job that has been my passion for 13 years. In a short 18 years I could retire with full benefits. But, I've asked God to reveal His plan, and I can say without a shadow of a doubt that includes leaving teaching. He may lead me back, and He may not. I don't know what all He's going to do: grow photography? give me contentment as a wife & mother? lead me deeper into ministry? I don't know, but I trust Him.
Number three lesson of 2010: I worship the idol of busyness. I like being busy. Busy makes me feel important. Busy makes me feel powerful. I have a hard time understanding and giving grace to those who don't worship the little god of 'busy' like I do. Ouch, I just admitted that. I've heard stories of people who got caught smoking & their parent made them smoke the whole pack to the point of sickness, and they never wanted another. November, with 24 sessions, teaching, a full week away from home, being a wife and mom, and all the other things in life was God's lesson. I broke.
I am so thankful for God's promise in Jer. 29:11: 11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Tomorrow (or soon), I'll have the Anticipations of 2011 :)
2010 started in a whirlwind: StoneWater was getting ready to move into Texana Plaza, a quick 2 month preparation and move in turnaround. Needless to say, as with many of the staff & volunteers, that was the craziness of life for the first six weeks of the year. At the end of this time, I figured out why I had been so overwhelmingly tired: despite a tubal ligation in 2004, I was pregnant. After about a week of adjusting (read: crying) to the new situation, I began miscarrying, and thus started a whole new period of adjustment both physically and mentally. This same life event sparked renewed questioning of what to do about my teaching career: continue or place on hold for a while. Mingled in, for good measure, Jeremy and I felt the urge to move to the family land, but really struggled with whether it was the right thing to do for the church, for us financially, and for the family. I found myself on my knees crying out to the words of the Third Day song "Revelation," prostrate in prayer for direction, and realizing that I was in the middle of a desert place.
In the middle of all of this, as I continued to teach part time, God blessed my humble photography business in a way I couldn't even dream would happen a year ago. When I registered my business, it was really more because I'm a rule follower, and I knew that it was a rule to have all the papers filed if I accepted a penny. So I did. I hoped that I could see 4 babies a month in a effort to keep my skills growing. In November, I had 24 full sessions. The teach vs. not teach became critical because it was overwhelmingly clear, I could not continue to do everything.
Enter Misti brain: but I've always been able to do everything. I took 21 and 24 hours a semester in college (and worked and kept a 4.0 average). I taught full time, finished graduate school, and had two babies in a two and half year time period. I taught full time, mothered a 1 year old and a 3 year old, was wife to church planter, and co-led the children's ministry while keeping the books for the new church. Why CAN'T I keep all the balls in the air any more?!! And, I've always had a PLAN - A then B then C. Why can't I do it all & what's the plan! I don't have a plan! I can't keep up with everything! HELP! Help! Mayday! Mayday! I'm going down. (enter more melodramatic musings - the feeling of going over the cliff & clawing to keep from going).
As I read & re-read this condensed version of the last year, it doesn't really seem like a big deal. But I can tell you that my perfectionistic, OCD, life-planned-out self has had a bit of a shaking, and there were some dark times in there. That's how God works, I think. He humbles us by shaking us to our very core, and then when He brings us through it, we sometimes wonder, "what was the big deal?"
The number one lesson of 2010 in my life is that God is the God of my life, and I am not. I like to have a plan (you might have gathered from the above). I like to carry out the plan & check the item off of my to-do list. Check. Done. Complete. Success. It's easy to rely on what you know and find comfort in, but that's not always how He works.
Number two lesson of 2010: trust God. Logically, it still doesn't make sense that I'm leaving a part-time teaching job with steady income, the ability to impact lives, and a job that has been my passion for 13 years. In a short 18 years I could retire with full benefits. But, I've asked God to reveal His plan, and I can say without a shadow of a doubt that includes leaving teaching. He may lead me back, and He may not. I don't know what all He's going to do: grow photography? give me contentment as a wife & mother? lead me deeper into ministry? I don't know, but I trust Him.
Number three lesson of 2010: I worship the idol of busyness. I like being busy. Busy makes me feel important. Busy makes me feel powerful. I have a hard time understanding and giving grace to those who don't worship the little god of 'busy' like I do. Ouch, I just admitted that. I've heard stories of people who got caught smoking & their parent made them smoke the whole pack to the point of sickness, and they never wanted another. November, with 24 sessions, teaching, a full week away from home, being a wife and mom, and all the other things in life was God's lesson. I broke.
I am so thankful for God's promise in Jer. 29:11: 11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Tomorrow (or soon), I'll have the Anticipations of 2011 :)
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