Lamentations follow-up

Hudson's using his arm again - YEA!

I've really examined what happened that day and how awful I felt. In our discussion of the chapter over Obedience, we discussed what is at the heart, the very cause, of our sinful behavior. You have to find the heart of the matter to really seek God and make change.

My conclusion: I was so upset with Hudson and the situation because of selfishness. My own selfishness. I wanted the morning to go smoothing, had all my ducks in a row and plans in line, and n.o.t.h.i.n.g went the way I wanted. Me. It was all about me.

Hudson was a 4 year old little boy who was hurting and full of fear. I was a mommy with a plan, who didn't feel his fear.

Selfishness is ugly.

What is at the heart of your sinful habits?

Lamentations

Yesterday felt like I was in the land of Lamentations. By 3:00 all I could do was hang on this verse and pray like mad for the day to be over:

²¹ Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:

²² Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.

²³ They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3: 21-23

Really, I felt like I lived in Lamentations 3 yesterday.

See, Saturday, Hudson fell off of Jenna's bed. It's not a tall bed. Maybe two feet off the ground. But, his hand was under his leg somehow, so he fell directly on his shoulder with nothing to brace his fall. I woke up from my nap and Jer's first words were, "I think H broke his collar bone. Do we go to the ER?" We talked about it, called around, and decided against it. Sunday night he was still hurting and not using his arm, so we made the decision to call the Dr. first thing.

At 8:30am I was explaining to Hudson that we were going to the doctor. The poor kid was terrified he was going to get a shot. I explained he wouldn't. He was still in a foul mood from being scared. Since they squeezed us in between two check ups (and I tried to be really calm and cool on the phone because it's easier to get a REAL appointment and not have to wait), we had lots of time for Hudson to continue to brew and fear to grow. He was a trooper during the exam, even though it hurt. "It's broken. We'll do x-rays to see the severity of the break and how long to wear the sling." She returned with a sling which sent Hudson into the corner of the room, hiding, kicking, and showing complete anger. We decided to wait until after the x-ray to put on the sling.

On the short drive over to the imaging office, Hudson's fear and anger grew. My seat was bombarded with kicks, shoes were kicked off, and a complete defiance of entering the building was given. At the office, he refused to get out of the car, instead balling up in the back floorboard. What do you do with a kid with a broken collar bone who refuses to get out of the car? You can't pull him out. I bribed. I pleaded. I comforted. I threatened. I gave an ultimatum. I don't remember what it was that got him out, but somehow we ended up inside the waiting room. Again, with the waiting, his fear and anger grew. "Hudson White." Hudson White wasn't moving from the couch in the waiting room. Not. Gonna. Move.

Once more, somehow we ended up in the x ray room. He immediately went into the "control center" around the corner. I drug him out. The rest is pretty much a blur, but it involved savage screaming, kicking, hitting, a ripped dress (mine), 3 or 4 extra attendants entering the room, some messed up shelves, and a nice, "Why don't you come back later when he's not agitated?" We walked out through the very full waiting room - including people from church and others I know. I was humiliated and at a loss. In the safety of the car, I fell to pieces. After I got home, I fell to pieces again.

You know, sometimes you feel totally inadequate as a mother? I couldn't comfort him. I couldn't calm him. I grew angry with him because he was making a scene, and really, he was just scared. I was embarrassed. I was overwhelmed. Jeremy came and took Hudson to give me a chance to collect myself. All I could do was think of these verses in Lamentations. Oh, how I wanted the day to be over, but it was only 11:30.

I continued to beat up myself. I reached out to a couple of friends for prayer, but I continued to wallow in my self pity and doubt. This morning I was doing my study in Discipleship Essentials. The lesson is Obedience this week. I struggle with being a patient mom full of gentleness and kindness. I recite the fruit of the spirit over and over, and I still struggle. Why? The answer was so obvious this morning..."Sinful behavior is the product of practiced patterns that become habits which sink their roots deep in us. Growing to Christ-likeness involves a process of replacing old habits with God-pleasing ones (206)." The Bible passage is Ephesians 4:17-32 with a focus on memory for 22-24. I can put off my old ways of thinking, but until I fill my brain and heart with the "new self," I'm fighting a losing battle.

Combine Lamentations 3 with Ephesians 4:17-32. Add the reading for the study, "The Principle of Replacement," and you get a humble heart. Today I asked God to be with me, step by step, breath by breath through the day with my children. I emptied myself of the old and implored my God to fill the holes that were left with His newness to make me a more Godly mom. I prayed Gal 5:22, Col 3:12, Eph 4:29, and Ps 141:3 to fill those holes.

It's been a great day. Tomorrow, I think I'll start the day by removing my old self and asking God to fill me again. I encourage you to do the same.