The prayer of my heart...I truly have no direction. I do not want what is of me, but that which will glorify God the most. I heard this on the radio on my short drive home last week. I just caught the chorus, and it resonated in me. I came straight home and downloaded it. I keep praying the words.
Revelation ~Third Day
My life has led me down the road that’s so uncertain
And now I am left alone and I am broken,
Tryin’ to find my way, tryin’ to find the faith that’s gone
This time, I know that you are holding all the answers
I’m tired of losing hope and taking chances,
On roads that never seem,
To be the ones that bring me home
Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been tryin’ to find my way,
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You
My life has led me down this path that’s ever winding
Through every twist and turn I’m always finding,
That I am lost again (I am lost again)
Tell me when this road will ever end
Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been tryin’ to find my way,
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You
I don’t know where I can turn
Tell me when will I learn
Won’t You show me where I need to go
Oh oh
Let me follow Your lead,
I know that it’s the only way that I can get back home
Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been trying to find my way,
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You
Oh, give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
Road Trip
I can't say I've received an answers in the past days, but I'm further down the road, and I'm travelling with Him.
Following my husband and Chris's notes from over a week ago, I've drawn near to God like never before. I've been sick enough before that I literally had to lean against a wall to stay up, and I've also had to lay on the ground because I just wasn't able to go on. I'm there - God is my wall and my floor. I almost feel depressed, but I find joy in Him and my family, so I know I'm not truly in a depression.
I know I haven't searched the Scriptures like I should. I've been in a study of the Psalms, and I'm eager for it to end because I can feel that I'm about to move on to something huge. I've prayed - and prayed - and prayed. Not hour upon hour of prayer, but in every move I make I find myself just praying to God for His direction and intervention. Jeremy and I discussed the fact that he is not part of my wise counsel right now. He's too close to the situation. That's a little disheartening, because, really, I don't have anyone for counsel. It's a bit of a lonely road, and the first time I've found myself in such a situation. My friends are all too close to the situation as to how it personally affects them or how it will influence their worth (can I say I HATE the stay home vs. work outside home dichotomy?). Jeremy and I sat and tried to think of someone to give me counsel, and we are both at a loss. That makes me sad, but happy, too, because God made me - ME!
I loved that Jeremy ended that message with the question, What requires more faith? I also love how this week's message fit so perfectly with that question in my life. Point 3 this week is basically, What has God done in the past to give me confidence in the future? If I take the faith question and the what God has done question, I have a beautiful reassurance that God loves me and will take care of me. What required more faith - leaving Dallas, a part time job, secure finances, friends or coming to Granbury to plant a church, uncertain finances, no job, no friends? That was easy! What did God do? He blessed my socks off! And it's not all about the pursuit of blessing, but about following him in faith.
What requires more faith? I don't know. I know that I am doing what I can and trusting God with what I can't, and I'm praying for the right people to walk into my life and the wrong to just leave me alone.
Lately God has really reached my heart and given me prayer through songs. These songs have truly touched me in the last weeks: To Trust You, Revelation, and Glory to God Forever.
To Trust You ~ Ginny Owens
I'm knocking on Your door,
Won't you answer?
I'm waiting for a word,
Or just a whisper;
But if You can't answer me this time,
I can handle everything just fine
'Cause somehow I seem to think I have power,
And I know best how to make things better,
I try to carry everything alone,
But now the time has come to let go
To trust You with my life,
To believe You all the time,
And to leave my doubt behind,
Oh to trust You with my life.
Will I ever learn to stop and listen,
To keep knocking on Your door until it opens,
Teach me what it means to believe,
That You are strong enough to carry me
Oh, to trust You with my life,
To believe You all the time,
And to leave my doubt behind,
Oh, to trust You with my life.
And to give You everything,
All the deepest parts of me,
And to know You're always right,
To trust You with my life.
Broken here before You on my knees,
Is my only hope of finding peace.
All I know is to pray the words of this song. To pray that I don't fall into the trap of "handling everything just fine" on my own, but to truly wait on Him. To believe that He is strong enough to carry me and keep knocking on the door until He reveals that it is opened. Most of all, I know the time has come to let go and just trust.
Following my husband and Chris's notes from over a week ago, I've drawn near to God like never before. I've been sick enough before that I literally had to lean against a wall to stay up, and I've also had to lay on the ground because I just wasn't able to go on. I'm there - God is my wall and my floor. I almost feel depressed, but I find joy in Him and my family, so I know I'm not truly in a depression.
I know I haven't searched the Scriptures like I should. I've been in a study of the Psalms, and I'm eager for it to end because I can feel that I'm about to move on to something huge. I've prayed - and prayed - and prayed. Not hour upon hour of prayer, but in every move I make I find myself just praying to God for His direction and intervention. Jeremy and I discussed the fact that he is not part of my wise counsel right now. He's too close to the situation. That's a little disheartening, because, really, I don't have anyone for counsel. It's a bit of a lonely road, and the first time I've found myself in such a situation. My friends are all too close to the situation as to how it personally affects them or how it will influence their worth (can I say I HATE the stay home vs. work outside home dichotomy?). Jeremy and I sat and tried to think of someone to give me counsel, and we are both at a loss. That makes me sad, but happy, too, because God made me - ME!
I loved that Jeremy ended that message with the question, What requires more faith? I also love how this week's message fit so perfectly with that question in my life. Point 3 this week is basically, What has God done in the past to give me confidence in the future? If I take the faith question and the what God has done question, I have a beautiful reassurance that God loves me and will take care of me. What required more faith - leaving Dallas, a part time job, secure finances, friends or coming to Granbury to plant a church, uncertain finances, no job, no friends? That was easy! What did God do? He blessed my socks off! And it's not all about the pursuit of blessing, but about following him in faith.
What requires more faith? I don't know. I know that I am doing what I can and trusting God with what I can't, and I'm praying for the right people to walk into my life and the wrong to just leave me alone.
Lately God has really reached my heart and given me prayer through songs. These songs have truly touched me in the last weeks: To Trust You, Revelation, and Glory to God Forever.
To Trust You ~ Ginny Owens
I'm knocking on Your door,
Won't you answer?
I'm waiting for a word,
Or just a whisper;
But if You can't answer me this time,
I can handle everything just fine
'Cause somehow I seem to think I have power,
And I know best how to make things better,
I try to carry everything alone,
But now the time has come to let go
To trust You with my life,
To believe You all the time,
And to leave my doubt behind,
Oh to trust You with my life.
Will I ever learn to stop and listen,
To keep knocking on Your door until it opens,
Teach me what it means to believe,
That You are strong enough to carry me
Oh, to trust You with my life,
To believe You all the time,
And to leave my doubt behind,
Oh, to trust You with my life.
And to give You everything,
All the deepest parts of me,
And to know You're always right,
To trust You with my life.
Broken here before You on my knees,
Is my only hope of finding peace.
All I know is to pray the words of this song. To pray that I don't fall into the trap of "handling everything just fine" on my own, but to truly wait on Him. To believe that He is strong enough to carry me and keep knocking on the door until He reveals that it is opened. Most of all, I know the time has come to let go and just trust.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Identity Crisis
I feel as if I'm in a holding pattern of sorts. I've much recovered from the emotional nature of my last post (thank you, God for my emotional breakdown in the bathroom during which I spied the birth control pills and the sudden realization you gave me that those were the emotional trigger. side note - this does not mean we're having more children, my tubes are shut down for business).
But, I can't say that I've had any epiphany since the last post other than a very definite comfort from God (thank you for the many prayers on behalf of the many pray-ers) and a peace to "be still." That's not a "be still" in action, and if it is, I haven't done it well.
It's interesting that Jeremy's message series is on taking a road trip with God. I can't think of a more timely message series for my life, and, in reality, Jeremy's as he walks this with me. It just proves God's most perfect timing because this series has been planned out for many, many months in advance. Who knew I'd be facing an identity crisis in the very timing of a series focused on finding God's vision for your life! Well, God did because that's how He is.
I think it's interesting to note, too, how God has already been working His divine plan for a long time now. Not too long ago I was struck by the need for my prayer life to increase. Not long before that I was lead to realize that my obedience to God needed to be more radical. At that point I began dying to myself more than I have before (not that it's been so huge as of yet, though). It did lead me to a huge place last school year of giving up control of things that I have never had the least inkling of a desire to give up control. So, to clarify, increased obedience + giving up control + increased prayer = identity crisis.
Normally this term "identity crisis" is used with a negative connotation. Mine began that way because I felt like I was losing who I was - the very core of what makes me me. But, if you trace those other three that are all very good when aligned with God, this is a huge blessing!
My mind has been racing as I try to sort out the details. As I have reasoned, and used my logic, and tried to sort the good from the bad in various graphic organizers - t charts, Venn diagrams, and so on - I sense a personal God who has a little smile of pride on His face. You know, the look when you see your children wrestling with something that they're about to really get for the first time, and you're so excited to see it happen and you want to jump in to make it happen, but you know that they need to figure it out, but they can't see past that last step so they have to turn to you and, together, you get it done and it's a joy for you both. I'm the child and finishing this last part together. I'm so excited to be doing it, so excited it's with Him, but He's not finished showing me, yet.
My run this morning was refreshing - first cool breeze of the season, slight soft rain, and the God of the universe smiling at me as He spoke to my heart. "How many times have I let you down? Left you disappointed?" I struggled to think - there was my boyfriend in high school...but that was a blessing because it led me to Jeremy. There was the miscarriage...but that led me to Hudson. He's never promised me that there would be no pain, but He's never let me down. It took me back about 14 years.
My first year of college I had a partying phase. I can distinctly remember getting ready for a night out, sitting in my room in front of the full length mirror leaning against the wall. I'd feel a tap-tap-tap. "This is not what I have for you. There is something better." But, it is fun, I'd reply as I pushed aside the conviction and party on. The next morning as I got ready for work, school, or, rarely, church, I'd feel it again, tap-tap-tap "This is not My best for you. Let me show you." I knew. He was there. People have asked how I ended up at A&M - and I always have to pause because I don't know, except now I do. God had a plan. He must have smiled when I finally got it after all that tapping on my heart. I went to A&M to be a new person, to escape all the mess I had wrapped myself in, to go be with God.
This morning, I realized that I have the same exact feeling of tap-tap-tap. I'm not in the blatant disobedience that I was then, but sins of omission are just as great as those of commission. And the drawing of God is just as strong, maybe even stronger as I yearn to hear from Him and follow Him. I'm excited. I don't know where I'm going or what it means. It's kind of like heading off to college with a whole world of possibilities in front of me knowing that God will never let me down, and I can lean on Him.
But, I can't say that I've had any epiphany since the last post other than a very definite comfort from God (thank you for the many prayers on behalf of the many pray-ers) and a peace to "be still." That's not a "be still" in action, and if it is, I haven't done it well.
It's interesting that Jeremy's message series is on taking a road trip with God. I can't think of a more timely message series for my life, and, in reality, Jeremy's as he walks this with me. It just proves God's most perfect timing because this series has been planned out for many, many months in advance. Who knew I'd be facing an identity crisis in the very timing of a series focused on finding God's vision for your life! Well, God did because that's how He is.
I think it's interesting to note, too, how God has already been working His divine plan for a long time now. Not too long ago I was struck by the need for my prayer life to increase. Not long before that I was lead to realize that my obedience to God needed to be more radical. At that point I began dying to myself more than I have before (not that it's been so huge as of yet, though). It did lead me to a huge place last school year of giving up control of things that I have never had the least inkling of a desire to give up control. So, to clarify, increased obedience + giving up control + increased prayer = identity crisis.
Normally this term "identity crisis" is used with a negative connotation. Mine began that way because I felt like I was losing who I was - the very core of what makes me me. But, if you trace those other three that are all very good when aligned with God, this is a huge blessing!
My mind has been racing as I try to sort out the details. As I have reasoned, and used my logic, and tried to sort the good from the bad in various graphic organizers - t charts, Venn diagrams, and so on - I sense a personal God who has a little smile of pride on His face. You know, the look when you see your children wrestling with something that they're about to really get for the first time, and you're so excited to see it happen and you want to jump in to make it happen, but you know that they need to figure it out, but they can't see past that last step so they have to turn to you and, together, you get it done and it's a joy for you both. I'm the child and finishing this last part together. I'm so excited to be doing it, so excited it's with Him, but He's not finished showing me, yet.
My run this morning was refreshing - first cool breeze of the season, slight soft rain, and the God of the universe smiling at me as He spoke to my heart. "How many times have I let you down? Left you disappointed?" I struggled to think - there was my boyfriend in high school...but that was a blessing because it led me to Jeremy. There was the miscarriage...but that led me to Hudson. He's never promised me that there would be no pain, but He's never let me down. It took me back about 14 years.
My first year of college I had a partying phase. I can distinctly remember getting ready for a night out, sitting in my room in front of the full length mirror leaning against the wall. I'd feel a tap-tap-tap. "This is not what I have for you. There is something better." But, it is fun, I'd reply as I pushed aside the conviction and party on. The next morning as I got ready for work, school, or, rarely, church, I'd feel it again, tap-tap-tap "This is not My best for you. Let me show you." I knew. He was there. People have asked how I ended up at A&M - and I always have to pause because I don't know, except now I do. God had a plan. He must have smiled when I finally got it after all that tapping on my heart. I went to A&M to be a new person, to escape all the mess I had wrapped myself in, to go be with God.
This morning, I realized that I have the same exact feeling of tap-tap-tap. I'm not in the blatant disobedience that I was then, but sins of omission are just as great as those of commission. And the drawing of God is just as strong, maybe even stronger as I yearn to hear from Him and follow Him. I'm excited. I don't know where I'm going or what it means. It's kind of like heading off to college with a whole world of possibilities in front of me knowing that God will never let me down, and I can lean on Him.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
"Giving Up What Was Never Ours"
I'm using the title of Chapter 8 in Lysa TerKeurst's book, What Happens When Women Say Yes to God. Yes, I've been in and out of this book for a while. Do give me some credit for having read it twice (and some parts 4 and 5 times).
One of the things I love about re-reading a book (since I'm an English teacher, let me tell you that you should always re-read a book at least once) is seeing my notes in the margins. This is especially cool when it's one of those books where I've recorded what God was doing in my life at the time. I love that God uses my very notes to give me that little pat on the back that is really a nudge much more than a pat of comfort.
Obviously, I took some time off during the summer. This is the one thing that I should NEVER take a vacation from - time with God. My relationship with God was less intimate over the summer. I can't tell you how refreshing it has been to meet with Him again in my favorite chair in the quietness of the morning. I'm studying Beth Moore's study over Psalms, and it's beautiful...but back to Chapter 8.
Beside her last paragraph on page 128 which reads:
Likewise, God has special knowledge in our lives. He has blessings for the radically obedient that make the dime-store stuff we are so intent on holding on to pale in comparison. The question is, do we trust Him? Do we trust that He will bless us? Do we trust that His blessings are infinitely better than what He might first ask us to release? My comment in the column reads, "Ouch - to think that I may not trust God - the CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE."
It makes me think of over a year ago when a dear friend of mine was struggling with a move in her life. It seemed everywhere we went, messages kept repeating the idea of letting go, loosening a grip, giving it to God. I remember watching her struggle with the decision and feeling pain for her. I find myself in the same position.
My dearest teaching friends, the words of this blog are meant for you, too, but I ask you to keep the words to yourself and not for discussion in the hallways and classrooms...
Years ago, I don't really remember when, I made a comment to God - almost a challenge - really, more of a dare. I don't remember the context, but I clearly remember saying (and constantly repeating since then), "God, if you want me to stop teaching, You're going to have to take the passion, the LOVE, away from me. It's just ingrained in WHO I am. It's part of my entity, part of ministry."
Yeah.
I can't believe I'm crying...but I AM! I guess confessions are hard, even on the computer. Especially when you really don't want to admit it for a ZILLION reasons - the biggest of which is the idea that, "OUCH - I may not trust the CREATOR of the UNIVERSE!" Because, I kinda don't.
My passion for teaching is gone. Wow, did I really just type those words...those words that have lingered on the tip of my tongue...been whispered via email as I cry out for prayer...been thrown out in the general direction of the husband to see his reaction?
I find myself explaining it away - which I am beginning to admit and believe is really my way of gripping onto it with the tightest of fists. Maybe it's just the beginning of the year - the beginning is always tough as the students have to push the limits to find the boundaries; parents have to learn that I have a plan other than the downfall of their child's GPA; maybe it's hormonal; maybe it's a test; maybe it's...a million different things.
But, I think there is more to it...after all, I can give you a LOT of reasons to stick with it, ready?
#1. I am one of the very few to have a part time job in my district. I mean really, I work 4 hours a day.
#2. God has given me the ability to connect with students, to win them over when they hate me at first.
#3. I've worked HARD on this career - college, grad school, national certification, 11 years in the classroom, no telling how much money.
#4. Some of my dearest friends are those I have taught with and do teach with.
#5. I'm able to impact lives for Christ in the classroom without ever preaching or teaching - just by example.
#6. I can spy on my own kids one day (yours, too), and I can be a better advocate for them.
#7. My income is good security. DISCLAIMER: Jeremy is in no way paid in relation to the offering that comes in. NO relationship there. His salary is set by the Advisory Board. But, knowing we're in a recession, in my mind (Jer has nothing to say about this one, it's all my own nonsense), I can help give some relief if the church starts to falter because he could request to cut his salary to help out. DISCLAIMER #2: the church is in NO financial stress. This is all my very over active imagination.
The lesson from #7 that God is showing me is that I am so arrogant to think that I could save the church! Hello, the Creator of the Universe has a plan that is quite a bit larger than my half of a teacher salary (and I don't even know how much that is, honestly).
So, my passion(s) - are they really mine, or do they belong to God? I know the answer is obvious, but can I give it up and hand it over willingly?
I don't know. I'm doing anything, yet. I'm keeping my eyes on Him, and I'm vowing to follow Him. And, I'm teaching according to Colossians 3:23-24 until His plan is revealed.
(fellow teachers, know that I'm praying that His plan is that this is all just a test of surrender for me and that my passion will be restored and lit anew!)
One of the things I love about re-reading a book (since I'm an English teacher, let me tell you that you should always re-read a book at least once) is seeing my notes in the margins. This is especially cool when it's one of those books where I've recorded what God was doing in my life at the time. I love that God uses my very notes to give me that little pat on the back that is really a nudge much more than a pat of comfort.
Obviously, I took some time off during the summer. This is the one thing that I should NEVER take a vacation from - time with God. My relationship with God was less intimate over the summer. I can't tell you how refreshing it has been to meet with Him again in my favorite chair in the quietness of the morning. I'm studying Beth Moore's study over Psalms, and it's beautiful...but back to Chapter 8.
Beside her last paragraph on page 128 which reads:
Likewise, God has special knowledge in our lives. He has blessings for the radically obedient that make the dime-store stuff we are so intent on holding on to pale in comparison. The question is, do we trust Him? Do we trust that He will bless us? Do we trust that His blessings are infinitely better than what He might first ask us to release? My comment in the column reads, "Ouch - to think that I may not trust God - the CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE."
It makes me think of over a year ago when a dear friend of mine was struggling with a move in her life. It seemed everywhere we went, messages kept repeating the idea of letting go, loosening a grip, giving it to God. I remember watching her struggle with the decision and feeling pain for her. I find myself in the same position.
My dearest teaching friends, the words of this blog are meant for you, too, but I ask you to keep the words to yourself and not for discussion in the hallways and classrooms...
Years ago, I don't really remember when, I made a comment to God - almost a challenge - really, more of a dare. I don't remember the context, but I clearly remember saying (and constantly repeating since then), "God, if you want me to stop teaching, You're going to have to take the passion, the LOVE, away from me. It's just ingrained in WHO I am. It's part of my entity, part of ministry."
Yeah.
I can't believe I'm crying...but I AM! I guess confessions are hard, even on the computer. Especially when you really don't want to admit it for a ZILLION reasons - the biggest of which is the idea that, "OUCH - I may not trust the CREATOR of the UNIVERSE!" Because, I kinda don't.
My passion for teaching is gone. Wow, did I really just type those words...those words that have lingered on the tip of my tongue...been whispered via email as I cry out for prayer...been thrown out in the general direction of the husband to see his reaction?
I find myself explaining it away - which I am beginning to admit and believe is really my way of gripping onto it with the tightest of fists. Maybe it's just the beginning of the year - the beginning is always tough as the students have to push the limits to find the boundaries; parents have to learn that I have a plan other than the downfall of their child's GPA; maybe it's hormonal; maybe it's a test; maybe it's...a million different things.
But, I think there is more to it...after all, I can give you a LOT of reasons to stick with it, ready?
#1. I am one of the very few to have a part time job in my district. I mean really, I work 4 hours a day.
#2. God has given me the ability to connect with students, to win them over when they hate me at first.
#3. I've worked HARD on this career - college, grad school, national certification, 11 years in the classroom, no telling how much money.
#4. Some of my dearest friends are those I have taught with and do teach with.
#5. I'm able to impact lives for Christ in the classroom without ever preaching or teaching - just by example.
#6. I can spy on my own kids one day (yours, too), and I can be a better advocate for them.
#7. My income is good security. DISCLAIMER: Jeremy is in no way paid in relation to the offering that comes in. NO relationship there. His salary is set by the Advisory Board. But, knowing we're in a recession, in my mind (Jer has nothing to say about this one, it's all my own nonsense), I can help give some relief if the church starts to falter because he could request to cut his salary to help out. DISCLAIMER #2: the church is in NO financial stress. This is all my very over active imagination.
The lesson from #7 that God is showing me is that I am so arrogant to think that I could save the church! Hello, the Creator of the Universe has a plan that is quite a bit larger than my half of a teacher salary (and I don't even know how much that is, honestly).
So, my passion(s) - are they really mine, or do they belong to God? I know the answer is obvious, but can I give it up and hand it over willingly?
I don't know. I'm doing anything, yet. I'm keeping my eyes on Him, and I'm vowing to follow Him. And, I'm teaching according to Colossians 3:23-24 until His plan is revealed.
(fellow teachers, know that I'm praying that His plan is that this is all just a test of surrender for me and that my passion will be restored and lit anew!)
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