We'll call her Laura...

And she looks like this:

You were afraid I was going to show you the other little lady, weren't you. Oh my, no way, Jose. But right after my mammogram, while the technician went to ask the radiologist if I needed an ultrasound (standard procedure on 'a lump'), I snapped a quick picture of "the machine." Forgive the slight blurriness - it was darkish but I didn't want to break out the flash because who takes a picture of a mammogram machine?

I can happily report that all the talk of "squishing" and the discomfort and even pain = none of that. Cold hands, yes. And, when I did dare to look at that part of me all displayed and squished, well, I was quite impressed. (probably more than you ever wanted to know...but there's more!) Interesting tidbit #1: in mammography images, your breasts should be mirror images of one another. Where there is dense matter on one, there should be the same on the opposite. Who knew? But I sure hope I get to see the images, I like "find the differences" games.

The radiologist confirmed we need to follow with an ultrasound, so I sported my gown down a different hallway. Ultrasound has trouble locating lump. Seems 'she' falls between my ribs when lying on my back. Sitting up proved a better viewing. tidbit #2: A cyst is obvious as a dark spot because it's filled with fluid.  I saw my rib, my lung, and some breast tissue, but no dark spot, so, no cyst. Interesting tidbit #3: my breasts are "lumpy, fibrous, and dense" (and now we know each other all the better, but refrain from feeling what 'lumpy, fibrous, and dense' feels like for comparison, please ;) ).

So, while it seems to sound good that she couldn't really find anything, I don't have any answers. I was lead to believe (should have listened better) that the radiologist would come out and talk to me about it, perhaps let me see it, but no such luck. "The doctor should call you tomorrow. But, well, tomorrow is Friday, and many offices close early, so maybe Monday. Don't spend your weekend worrying if you don't hear tomorrow." All I could think was, "Worry? Really? No reason to worry!"

This, by the way, makes me think of a passage:

 “That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are?  Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?

 “And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are.  And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?

  “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’  These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

 “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.

Matthew 6:25-34

Perfectly Perfect

I’ve noticed in just the last few days that a few of the same words keep coming from my heart. Repetition is one of those things that I train my students in my AP Language course to pay attention to, “If it’s repeated, there’s a reason. Figure out the ‘so what? who cares?’ behind the repetition.”

Peace. Perfect. My Lord. Opportunity. Perfectly perfect.

As I read over my little list, I wondered what the bible has for “perfect peace”? And…what do you do when you want to know something? You might call your mom; you might ask a friend, but most likely, you Google it. My first go-to for things Bible is biblegateway.com, so I typed in ‘perfect peace’ in the keyword search. Isaiah 26:3 came up in the New Living Translation:

 ³ You will keep in perfect peace
                                  all who trust in you,
                                  all whose thoughts are fixed on you!

I'm looking forward to God's keeping me in his perfect peace today. I can't describe the peace I feel other than "peaceful peace." I know it's redundant, but it's the best description.

My musical gift this morning...Kari Jobe "The More I Seek You":

I wanna sit at your feet
drink from the cup in your hand.
Lay back against you and breath,
hear your heart beat

This love is so deep,
it's more than I can stand.
I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming

I wanna sit at your feet
drink from the cup in your hand.
Lay back against you and breath,
hear your heart beat

This love is so deep,
it's more than I can stand.
I melt in your peace...

The 'so what? who cares?'? The Lord is my God and he's with me. I believe his promises, and I believe this is nothing.

I have it - perfect peaceful peace - and I want even more!

Confirmed

Sometimes I can be a hypochondriac; you should have known me when I took Abnormal Psyc in college - whoo wee. So, I kept checking each time I went to the restroom this morning (those of you not in the teaching world, that equals every 55 minutes - what can I say, I drink a lot...).

Still today - total and complete peace. Can't even describe it other than "peaceful peace." I'm an English teacher, I know it's redundant, but it's spot on for how I feel. I can literally feel the Spirit as my Counselor and Comfort. It's so exhilarating. Jeremy has phoned to check on me at least 5 times today (he's in Florida at a conference that is SO amazing; he almost stayed home, but I submissively encouraged him to go, go, go!!! I can't wait to see him return renewed, refreshed, and filled!), and all I can tell him is that "I am totally okay."

Here's the wrap up. Doc A and I chatted a bit, we established I don't do routine self checks, and no, I haven't seen another doctor in the last 3 years, it has, in fact, been that long since I had a check up. I'm a bad, bad patient; I only see a doctor when there's something wrong. She did the exam, and about the time she was saying, "I think I might have to have you show me..." her cheerful face dropped (I read body language very carefully), and she said, "nevermind, that is definitely something. It's smooth and seems rounded, those are both good. Yes, it's significant. We'll schedule you for a mammogram and ultrasound. 80% of masses are absolutely fine, remember." Jeremy was hoping for something more, but it's about what I expected.

So, I'm tempted to name it, a her. After all, it has to be a her, right? I mean, she's in my body (female) and in my breast (decidedly feminine), so she's a she. But, if she turns out to be bad, I think I want 'her' to become 'him,' because, well, 'bad girl' has a very different connotation that 'bad guy.' I mean, we all know what a 'bad girl' does, and a 'bad guy;' he's clearly the evil guy, antagonist, dressed in black full of menace and is overcome in the end by a handsome knight on a white horse.

But, I digress, this is really not a post about that, it's about peace.

I've meant to blog about this for, well, right about two weeks now, but 'stuff' keeps getting in the way. It seems it's time to sit still long enough to share some of the overflow of my filling, and it seems all the more special now because I know it's why I'm so filled with peace.

I'm what you could probably label a 'skeptical Christian.' I know God, I trust Jesus, and I have the Holy Spirit dwelling inside of me. So when talk of "baptism of the Holy Spirit" started circling, I got a little cautious. To shorten this story, I felt the urge to branch out a bit and attend a conference at a more "spirit filled" church (which is part of what has always bothered me, we're ALL Spirit filled if we're believers), and my biggest prayer was that I would allow myself to open completely before my God and allow him to transform me and speak to me. I'm also overly critical of speakers, analyzing every piece of body language, how smoothly they speak, what they say, how they say it, and so on. I prayed for that to go away, too.

So, I find myself at the prophesy portion of the conference. I found myself asking God for a word for me as proof, but quickly caught myself and prayed instead for an open heart and anything he would reveal to me. I had to sit down and write what I was hearing, and I am SO excited for where he is taking me as a wife and mother! Then, one of the women had a word for one of my friends, and it was SO spot on for her that it blessed me. I came away significantly changed from the opening of my hard, sinful heart, and I've not been quite the same since :)

 I can sincerely say that I want God's will done, and whatever will bring him the most glory is my desire.

Lump

First, can I say that the first thing that comes to mind is The Presidents of the United States, "She's Lump, She's Lump, She's in my head..."? Yeah, I had that CD in high school. Or was it college? Ah, either one, it's on my iPod now - good running song.

I think you know where I'm going from here. My ob/gyn probably wishes I would just come in for a normal appointment (which I have done once in the last 5 years of living here...maybe twice).

I'm not sure how it came about, but some how I found "it." "It" is resting at the bottomish part of Mrs. Right. About an inch in width and thick is how I would describe it. Seems to 'palpitate' which is what I've caught on is a good thing from friends who have walked this road before me.

What's crazy? How peaceful I've felt. I mean, the words of Roman 8:15  So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children have never been more full and true. I mean, my normal self would say, "Whoa back a moment. This is a BIG deal." But, really, it's not. I mean, I hesitated, significant hesitation, to let my prayer warriors know. I was reasoning with God in the shower this morning (yep, we have morning chats in the shower, you should try it), and telling Him that I didn't need to bother them with any concern because it's fine. I just know. But he kept pressing on my heart that part of asking for prayer is submission to allow others to do for you. Submitting my inmost requests to him in an act of faith is what he desires of my heart. So I did.

On my drive to school (the whole 2 miles), the song that come on my iPod was by Chris Tomlin, "Our God," and the lyrics of the chorus just overflowed with praise from my Spirit, "And if our God is for us, Then who can ever stop us, And if our God is with us, Then what can stand against?" I wish I could convey to you the immensity of the fullness I felt of my Spirit filling and overflowing. Such.Peace.

It was at that moment I felt the most peace. "God, you know if it is "something," I pray that you use it to your Glory." Right after that came out of my lips (yes, I talk, verbally, to God in my car), I replied (to myself, again), "where did that come from? I should be scared, reasoning how it's all wrong. But, why not me? What an awesome opportunity to glorify him and grow closer to him?"

It's weird, but I'm excited to follow God on this journey. Even now, Tomlin is playing in iTunes, "For You and You alone, Awake my soul, Awake my soul and sing, For the world You love, Your will be done in me," and I don't believe I've ever had a more peaceful and sincere prayer.

I offer this as a challenge to you...what are you holding on to - a fear perhaps - that you need to give to him and allow him to grow your faith and allow him to bless you?

It's go time!

My morning was progressively spinning out of control with the details of life swallowing me whole: my computer at work wouldn't log onto my profile (translation - all my links, bookmarks, and emails were gone); a student walked in to tell me he was having surgery tomorrow, and he would like his homework from tomorrow through next week; I hadn't eaten my breakfast; I forgot to send Hudson's milk to school and they were making ice cream; Jeremy wasn't answering his phone; I had a multitude of papers I had put off grading.

Sigh.

In the middle of the chaos I found this email in my inbox (once I got email to work): resignation incentive.

We all know this is where I've been heading. I've been procrastinating, trying to find that fine line between waiting until the last possible minute to really do it and early enough to allow the district the best opportunity to replace me (though I don't think they are, but that's a whole other issue).

Truth be told, although I'm excited about the new opportunities, I'm still scared to let go. I have a hard time letting go.

I emailed Jeremy to MAKE SURE this was the plan. He replied, "Go for it."

So, I sat and typed out my letter. It was a  little anticlimactic. I expected to work on it and revise a zillion times so it was 'just so.' But, I believe that precisely the right words came to me. I cried as I wrote it.

As soon as the bell rang to dismiss 3rd period, my last class of the day, I drove over to HR and handed my letter to Diane in HR. Diane used to be the secretary at the high school when I was first hired. She was one of the first people in the district I met, so I liked that little detail that God gave me. She welcomed me at my interview, and she welcomed me on the day I handed in my letter of resignation. She inquired, with a sad face, why I was leaving. I perkily told her the details of building & moving, of wifing and mothering, and of photography and all the opportunities at my new home. I also included the detail that this was a new season, and perhaps in another new season, God will bring me back. I've learned never to say never.

Can I admit that I was perky until I walked out of the building? The moment I exited the doors, floodgates opened. I avoided openly sobbing until I was in the confines of my car. It was a thunderstorm. I returned to the high school, still crying, and hurried to my room. I sat at my desk for a moment and mourned.

I've always had a definite plan, and this is beyond it. I have to remember this verse in James: ¹⁴yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.

Anticipations of 2011

I love a new year. New opportunities. It's like a blank slate that I get to fill. Fortunately, I've always had TWO, maybe THREE, new year's in the year - New Year's official, the beginning of summer as the school year ends and our family schedule changes, and the beginning of the school year with return to schedules.

I'm excited about 2011. I think this describes it best: Brooke Snow "Winter." She so eloquently worded what I have been searching for how to describe the season I'm walking into.

#1 We're building our first (and last) home! While there is some pressure knowing that we can't "just sell it" if we don't like it, I'm choosing to look at all the excitement. And, hey, if I don't like something, I just adjust. I mean, we've lived in 5 places since we've been married, and all of them have worked fine. The perks: country, which means I can have a garden, and I think I'll get some chickens - yep, you read right! We're going as basic as we can while still realizing we have the rest of our lives here, so it includes a room for photography! I'll also have a real pantry (right now the food is in a cabinet) AND a laundry room (as opposed to freezing or melting out in the garage).

#2 I will be "just" a wife and mom in just 6 shorts months. And yes, I'm keeping photography (of course, I have a room specifically for it!). Wife and mom will be my primary focus for the first time in, well, ever! The challenge here will be for me to be purposeful with how I fill my time: not using it as a way to take MORE sessions, but to use it so that mommy doesn't work once she picks up the kids (other than the occasional evening session that we line out with the family calendar, not to exceed two per week and likely just one). This has never before been a desire of my heart, but God changes our passions and desires to follow His plan, so I'm eagerly anticipating it!

#3 Running. I'm coming back. This year I will complete the White Rock marathon. Period. I'm taking training partners, so who's in? Right now I'm walking, and in two weeks I start up with two miles, and I'll be going from there. So, you can start with me. You can do it! These verses haunt me (in a good way): "Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body." 1 Cor 9:19-20. There are SO many things that go with that verse, and I'm praying that when I get to heaven, piercing your nose is NOT on the list! More seriously, I have NOT been taking care of my body - no exercise, not eating right, not resting right, too much stress.

#4 Decluttering. Yes, as we move I'll be literally getting rid of "stuff," but that also includes my busyness. I've been SO convicted here. I have too much on my plate. I hate to say "no" to anything or anyone, and as a result I've overcommitted. I don't enjoy most things I'm doing because I'm always worried about how I'll make it to the next thing or how late I'll be up trying to get it all done. It hurts because I know I have to say "no" to someone and will likely (in my view) hurt them as a result. I'm revisiting Can I Have and Do it All, Please and this time I'm not looking for how to HAVE and DO it ALL, but looking for direction on balance. I'm also going to read (slowly and relish it) Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World. I think my friend loaned me this book 4 years ago because she saw a need in my life. I still have it, but now I'm really going to read more than the first chapter. I'm SOOOO excited, and incredibly apprehensive!

My theme verse for this year is, "But the Lord answered her, 'Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one this is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her." Luke 10:41-42 ESV. I'm praying for the wisdom to recognize the things that cause me to be anxious and troubled, cast them off, and cling to 'the good portion.' I'm looking forward to a year of growing closer to God and my family.

Reflections on 2010

2010 was a year of growth. I can look back, as I finally emerge out of a life season that has lasted just over a year, and say that it is the most difficult season of life I've experienced to this point. Although it has been tough, I'm thankful for what God has taught me through it, and I think it's important for me to share (as much for the me of the future as for any of you who might wander upon it :) ). I realize, too, that more challenging life periods will come in my life; some with much more seriousness and gravity, some with more sorrow, and, likely, some that include more times of uncertainty. 2010 wasn't the end of my world; I knew it wasn't even in the depths of uncertainty and confusion, but it was hard.

2010 started in a whirlwind: StoneWater was getting ready to move into Texana Plaza, a quick 2 month preparation and move in turnaround. Needless to say, as with many of the staff & volunteers, that was the craziness of life for the first six weeks of the year. At the end of this time, I figured out why I had been so overwhelmingly tired: despite a tubal ligation in 2004, I was pregnant. After about a week of adjusting (read: crying) to the new situation, I began miscarrying, and thus started a whole new period of adjustment both physically and mentally. This same life event sparked renewed questioning of what to do about my teaching career: continue or place on hold for a while. Mingled in, for good measure, Jeremy and I felt the urge to move to the family land, but really struggled with whether it was the right thing to do for the church, for us financially, and for the family. I found myself on my knees crying out to the words of the Third Day song "Revelation," prostrate in prayer for direction, and realizing that I was in the middle of a desert place.

In the middle of all of this, as I continued to teach part time, God blessed my humble photography business in a way I couldn't even dream would happen a year ago. When I registered my business, it was really more because I'm a rule follower, and I knew that it was a rule to have all the papers filed if I accepted a penny. So I did. I hoped that I could see 4 babies a month in a effort to keep my skills growing. In November, I had 24 full sessions. The teach vs. not teach became critical because it was overwhelmingly clear, I could not continue to do everything.

Enter Misti brain: but I've always been able to do everything. I took 21 and 24 hours a semester in college (and worked and kept a 4.0 average). I taught full time, finished graduate school, and had two babies in a two and half year time period. I taught full time, mothered a 1 year old and a 3 year old, was wife to church planter, and co-led the children's ministry while keeping the books for the new church. Why CAN'T I keep all the balls in the air any more?!! And, I've always had a PLAN - A then B then C. Why can't I do it all & what's the plan! I don't have a plan! I can't keep up with everything! HELP! Help! Mayday! Mayday! I'm going down. (enter more melodramatic musings - the feeling of going over the cliff & clawing to keep from going).

As I read & re-read this condensed version of the last year, it doesn't really seem like a big deal. But I can tell you that my perfectionistic, OCD, life-planned-out self has had a bit of a shaking, and there were some dark times in there. That's how God works, I think. He humbles us by shaking us to our very core, and then when He brings us through it, we sometimes wonder, "what was the big deal?"

The number one lesson of 2010 in my life is that God is the God of my life, and I am not. I like to have a plan (you might have gathered from the above). I like to carry out the plan & check the item off of my to-do list. Check. Done. Complete. Success. It's easy to rely on what you know and find comfort in, but that's not always how He works.

Number two lesson of 2010: trust God. Logically, it still doesn't make sense that I'm leaving a part-time teaching job with steady income, the ability to impact lives, and a job that has been my passion for 13 years. In a short 18 years I could retire with full benefits. But, I've asked God to reveal His plan, and I can say without a shadow of a doubt that includes leaving teaching. He may lead me back, and He may not. I don't know what all He's going to do: grow photography? give me contentment as a wife & mother? lead me deeper into ministry? I don't know, but I trust Him.

Number three lesson of 2010: I worship the idol of busyness. I like being busy. Busy makes me feel important. Busy makes me feel powerful. I have a hard time understanding and giving grace to those who don't worship the little god of 'busy' like I do. Ouch, I just admitted that. I've heard stories of people who got caught smoking & their parent made them smoke the whole pack to the point of sickness, and they never wanted another. November, with 24 sessions, teaching, a full week away from home, being a wife and mom, and all the other things in life was God's lesson. I broke.

I am so thankful for God's promise in Jer. 29:11: ¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Tomorrow (or soon), I'll have the Anticipations of 2011 :)

God's Provision & Generosity

My parents, even from the youngest times I can remember, have always taught me about money and tithing. I remember the importance they taught me of taking care of my things instead of simply replacing them when I lost or broke them. I remember the lessons of balancing the checkbook and about using credit cards only for what could be paid off. I remember the biggest lesson - the day I saw Dad write & give a tithe check when I knew things were tight. I questioned him, "Dad, why give money to the church when we need it?" I remember him explaining that the Bible said we were to give a portion of what we received back to God through the church - no matter what.

I've followed those lessons to perfection in life (chalk it up to a little perfectionism/OCD tendencies). It could be argued that some of them I've been too good at following. For instance, I internalized the "take care of things" to the point that for many years it was very, very difficult for me to share i.e. let other people borrow or even to take things to functions to share them. One instance specifically comes to mind. Early in our marriage we had just "splurged" on one of those $20 thingies with about 5 old Atari games on it. Jeremy wanted to take it to church for the youth to play some competitions. I had a cow. A large cow. Then, it ended up disappearing. I didn't let him hear the end of it for a while. Then, there's the constant, "Why did you do that? You better make sure we get it back!" every time he would loan "stuff" out, and you can just imagine when he gave something away! And, a few years ago, you better bet that if I bought you a coke, I had a mental tally of how many you 'owed' me. [Not any more for those of you that think I may have a magic number in my head.] God has truly healed me of this stinginess in the past year to the point that I truly don't have a clue what the 'balance' might be, and I like it!

I always rationalized it. In the beginning of our marriage, we were both full time students living on grants, scholarships, and Jer working as a youth intern & substitute. We figured it up once, and we were living on about $500 a month. That was when we started tithing. It was hard. I mean, we did not spend more than we could pay off on credit each month, and to start that $50 tithe...well, it first fell under the "take care of things" category. I mean, I was supposed to take care of what God had given me, and to give it away?

But God used it. That should have sent us into the red. It didn't. Then, when Jer felt convicted to give for other things, I submitted, but with gritted teeth thinking, "this will show him because we won't be able to pay the bills!" We never missed a bill. We never even paid one late. We even had money left to buy our first bicycles - matching green from WalMart!

God's always been faithful to us like that. He's provided for us more than I could ever think to ask for (beyond those super selfish indulgence askings). He provided the camera I began my photography business with through some amazingly generous friends. He's provided for StoneWater through some amazingly generous people. Generosity is contagious. He's transformed my heart from one of cold-hearted hoarding in the guise of "taking care of my stuff" into one that loves to give. I'm still not where I hope to one day be, but giving doesn't make me break out in a panic, and it doesn't make me start thinking of reasons why to not give.

I set the stage for all of this because I'm about to relate a story that's just a tad bit beyond the believable. It really is.

There is a point in photography were a camera upgrade is actually needed. I have loved and adored my camera (the Nikon D200) for 2 1/2 years, and I've learned how to push it to it's max and even work around some things that shouldn't work. But, facing facts, and the fact that technology improves so quickly, it has been time to upgrade. The cameras I had my eye on were $2500. That's a bit of change for a beginning business that's still at hobby level. I've looked at the two cameras for months now, and even met up with two photographers to try their cameras since each owned one of the ones I was looking at. Desire grew as well as the knowledge of how much more I could do artistically and how much time it would save me if I took the plunge.

I made the decision a few months back, and when I got to the site to purchase the camera - out of stock. I chalked it up to God's speaking and moved on. A few sessions later I was in a situation that exceeded the limits of my camera. A bit frustrated and downhearted, I took another approach that worked fine. Not what I wanted, but fine nonetheless. I began praying for discernment between what I wanted and what I needed because it's always easier to covet a desire than uncover a true need. As I processed images from the session, I knew my answer - it was beyond want.

So, I continued to pray, knowing that I didn't have the money in the bank, but also that I was on my way toward having the money. It became an even harder decision when I reflected on what I learned in Crown Financial Bible Studies - "Just as the rich rule the poor, so the borrower is servant to the lender" (Pr 22:7), "Steady plodding brings prosperity; hasty speculation brings poverty" (Pr 21:5), "I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity...." (Phil 4:11-13), and  "No servant can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money" (Luke 16:13). I lived through Luke 16:13 when I registered for the Raver/Ryden/Jansen workshop a few months ago. I knew I would have the money by the time I had to have it to pay in full, but I spent those months taking every single job that came up and just about wore myself out! I was definitely a slave to the workshop that owed money for.

As a caveat, I want to make sure I don't promote going into debt. If you've studied the Scriptures and/or taken Crown Financial or one of the other great financial Bible studies out there, debt is not a favorable situation to be in. I'm not saying it is. There are also caveats in Crown regarding business debt being regarded differently. In all honesty, we had the money to pay for the workshop and the camera from our personal account. But, the business is a separate entity, and I feel strongly that the business should not take away from the family finances. Bottom line, when I refer to 'debt,' I'm referring to Misti White Photography going into debt to the Jeremy White family should I not be able to cover a bill from the business account.

I continued to pray for discernment if the purchase was truly the right decision, and I felt the release from God to purchase the camera on July 18, so I went to the site and put it in my shopping cart. I had a moment of epiphany, though, when I realized I should check the cycle date on my credit card & see when it closed as that could potentially buy me an additional month + time before the due date to earn the money. The statement showed the cycle would close on the 18th, so I waited. I spent the night in prayer with a heavy heart as I churned over the decision. Jeremy was gone, the kids in bed, and I just fell prostrate on the floor in prayer and worship. In the light of the new morning, it was clear and I felt excited and confident in the purchase.

So, I did it.

My email, facebook inbox, and phone began to fill up with requests for sessions in the next weeks. My online ordering system was regularly notifying me of new orders. My faith in God grew as I saw him providing in a most generous way.

I just received the online notice that my business card has a new statement.

I have diligently written down every penny I have taken in since July 19. I sat this morning and totaled it prior to looking up the exact figure of the camera that is on the credit statement. The total? $2414.34.

I knew this was in the neighborhood of the camera purchase, around $2400, so I excitedly went to my statement.

The exact cost of the camera as I see on my credit card statement? $2414.34

to.the.penny.

I have never made that much in a month. Heck, that's about what I made in the first six months of this year combined together. Luck? No way. That's my God blowing me away with his goodness and mercy.

God's Faithfulness

Deuteronomy 7:8-10 (New International Version)

⁸ But it was because the LORD loved you and kept the oath he swore to your forefathers that he brought you out with a mighty hand and redeemed you from the land of slavery, from the power of Pharaoh king of Egypt. ⁹ Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands. ¹⁰ But those who hate him he will repay to their face by destruction; he will not be slow to repay to their face those who hate him.

I've always struggled with the idea of God being faithful. It's not that I think God isn't faithful; I know God IS faithful, but the idea of Him, the Almighty Creator of the universe, to be faithful to ME, a sinful-hearted being of His creation, just blows me away. I'm not worthy of His faithfulness. It just makes me feel so, well, sinful, prideful, arrogant, and unworthy. But the beauty of it is that it also makes me feel humble. Humility is the best feeling there is when it's God centered.

This past week we had the blessing to go to Pine Cove family camp (Bluff, week 7 - woot woot!) and had Bob Kerning as our speaker. Bob focused on the Beatitudes, and one of the ones he focused on was "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."--Matthew v:3.

I don't think I've ever really thought through the meaning of "the poor in spirit." But at Bob explicated, poor in spirit = becoming more attached to God.

1. If I humble myself (poor in spirit), it will reduce my stress because I have nothing to prove and I'm dependent on God and not myself. It's not of my power I'm working, but of His and His alone. I don't have to prove how good I am or worry that I'm not good enough. It's not ME; it's Him.
2. Humility improves my relationships because I have nothing to lose. Humility doesn't mean I think less of myself, but that I think more of other people. I'm more interested in the lives of others than telling others about my life or focusing on my life.
3. Humility releases the power of God.

When I thought through the idea of being poor in spirit, it became apparent to me that then I will rejoice in God's faithfulness because I'm not looking at it from the arrogance of my nature and my desires. I don't how many times I've told myself that God is faithful, but inside I've cringed because it just felt so selfish. It probably was, but now that I have a different perspective, I'm rejoicing in God's faithfulness in my life.

Happiness is a choice, and it begins with humility.

I've been on a bit of a bumpy ride the last few months, and God has given me an incredible peace as he used the bumps and valleys to draw me closer to Him. Closer to Him than I've been in a long, long time, well, maybe ever. The last time I had to hang on to God so tightly and realize and recognize that He was all that could do it was when we moved to Granbury to do this church planting thing. He was faithful in that He did what He promised to do in His Word, and we have seen countless lives changed. Not of anything we did, but of His extraordinary grace.

I think over the course of 5 years and all the extraordinary things He allowed me to do, all the balls he allowed me to keep in in the air so gracefully, and all the amazing experiences, I began to think a little too much of myself. Like, that I could do it all - it was Misti who was all that. While it hurt a bit to learn the lesson that I'm really not Wonder Woman, I'm super thankful that my God is Wonder God and that He has refreshed me and renewed me to a place of humility.

Tonight I'm just overcome with thankfulness and humility for God's faithfulness.

PS - I've been away for so long because I've not felt like I had a post "good enough" to share. When I was pondering my thoughts on God's faithfulness and humility, I felt the Spirit prompting me to get over myself and post.

One Month Later

Well, here it is, one month from the day that my world had a little earthquake of it's own. I didn't officially know as of yet, but I knew, if you know what I mean.

Can I admit that a wide variety of thoughts coursed through my head in the next 5 days?

"God, you're doing this because you're going to take one of my children, and this is a replacement. I don't want it. I just want the two I have."
I've always had this irrational fear of losing one of my children. Abduction. Illness. Drive by shooting (yeah, I told you they're irrational). The places my mind can go when it comes to my children is astonishing and embarrassing.

"God, you've involved me in NILMDTS because this is going to end badly. I'd rather not deal with that, thank you."

"God, this is incredible! I have to count this as a miracle - a true, palpable miracle in my life. Thank you!"

"God, I've been looking for an answer. Thank you for giving me such a clear sign."

"God, this is one of those little reminders that YOU'RE the one in control, huh? I know, I get it, never say never! You're so funny! Thank you for reminding me You are God."

And then, the next few weeks left me just as confused.

"If you were just going to take the baby, why?"

"It was all that caffeine and junk I was eating the whole week before I knew because I was so tired but trying to get everything in my overfilled schedule done. Wow, what a lesson in taking care of your temple."

"I sure have a lot of stuff I do for my family, and not with my family. What a renewed vision for motherhood."

"God, again, you remind me that you are the Almighty. The one in charge. Thank you for reminding me You are God."

This post is prompted by a book I'm reading Dancing with My Father by Sally Clarkson. A friend, a friend who knows my heart and the struggles of my world, bought me this book. I have to praise God for friendships. You need to know that I also have Sally's book The Mission of Motherhood. It's one of those books that I spiked in the middle of reading after balking over one of her points that then created a deep Biblical study and discussion between Jeremy and I. (I'll spare you the details on that one because, as often happens, I'm re-processing it and plan to re-read the book. But, I'm sure it will make another post in the upcoming months.)

Anyway, I'm on a retreat in Austin with my hubby. Usually I attend all the sessions and socialize and encourage, but I came with one goal (maybe two) - spend as much time in the room alone to read and rest. So, I have! Yes, I feel a little guilty that others are in sessions, I haven't been to work out yet, haven't graded any papers, and I've been on the computer too much, but I want to cherish this book.

The motif of my life is back: open our hands and release what you're holding on to. The first time I read it, I just stopped and stared. I didn't know whether to cry or laugh. I think I've read the same metaphor three times now, and I'm on page 70. Maybe I'm overly sensitive? Yeah, I think so, and I'm supposed to be, clearly.

What just grabbed my attention and made me start typing was this verse:
"Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing" (James 1:2-4).

All of my random, misguided, untrusting thoughts from above are summed up in these verses from James. God tested my faith. I don't need to understand the answers, I need to believe that He loves me. And I do.

Sovereignty

as a noun:
1. supreme excellence or an example of it
2. supreme power especially over a body politic; freedom from external control; controlling influence
3. one that is sovereign (one possessing sovereignty); one that exercises supreme authority

as an adjective:
1. excellent 2. of the most exalted kind 3. having undisputed ascendancy

God is Sovereign.

Habakkuk 3:17-19
Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.
The Sovereign Lord is my strength;
He makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to go on the heights.

I have to remind myself of this often - especially during the times of life that I just don't understand. The commentary from christnotes.com explains that these verses come from a time when the prophet looked back upon the history of the church, what God had done, and was filled with holy joy. "He resolved to delight and triumph in the Lord; for when all is gone, his God is not gone." He goes on to say that, "Joy in the Lord is especially seasonable when we meet with losses and crosses in the world," and we can be comforted by the Spirit through grace.

It's a significant passage to me. Combine it with Jer. 29:11-13 and Ps. 139: 13-16.

See, the story I'm about to share with you doesn't have a happy ending. It leaves me scratching my head and wondering, "why?" But, I can rest with full confidence that my God is a Sovereign God. He knows me and has known me since I was in my mother's womb. His plans for me are for my own good. I know He's drawn me close to my husband, children, and most importantly, Him, in the last 11 days.

See, a little over 5 years ago, I have birth to a bouncing baby boy. Around month 4 of pregnancy, before we even knew we were having a little boy, a complement to our little girl, we knew and had a peace that this would be our final addition to the family. After I had a chance to greet my little boy, nurse, and check to see he was healthy, I was wheeled in for a tubal ligation. Cut, sew, cauterize. Done.

Sitting at Kobeya Hibachi in Southlake 12 days ago with delightful church planter's wives, I found myself beside a woman who is in her 7th month of pregnancy. She asked if we would have any other children, and I gave my whole logical spill about why two were perfect for us and how my tubes had been tied shortly after the birth of our son. In the back of my mind I knew I was probably a little late, but it had been a very stressful, busy week as we finished the final touches of moving into the new church building.

The chef brought out the raw meat to be cooked and the moment I saw the chicken and smelled the chicken, my stomach did that wave, and I knew. It wasn't stress. I put it to the back of my mind, but 1 (sore boobage) + 1 (excessive tiredness) + 1 (when did I have a period last?) + 1 (nausea off and on for a few days) = 4 (pregnant). It was fairly easy to dismiss, after all, the other factor in this mathematical, logical equation was + 1 (tubal ligation) = 5, not 4!

Sunday morning, I woke and my stomach just rolled. I had one test up in the bathroom cabinet from a "scare" back in September/October. I did the thing you do, and, to my astonishment/panic saw the wetness glide across the window and with the wetness glistened a line. It was one of those tests that didn't make a +, so I took it to Jeremy (who was studying for his message that day - not the best timing on my part - but I was in shock). As I presented him with the box and the test, "Am I reading this right?"

Then, I went into, "There's a logical explanation for this, right?" "I mean, how? I mean, I know how, but HOW?" The sweet man just hugged me and reassured me that it was all going to be okay, and we went on with our day. I know our first Sunday at the new building was amazing for StoneWater, but I don't remember much more than that line from 6:15 in the morning.

Because one test isn't enough, by Monday morning, this is what the counter of the bathroom looked like:


I mean, one could have come up negative! All I could think was: post partum depression again, midnight feedings, where do we put him/her, I can't possibly add one more thing to my life - so what's going to go?, can I do this again? God, what is this? I don't wanna. Please, no.

Monday at precisely 8:01am, I phoned the drs. office. "Um, I have my tubes tied but I've had 4 positive pregnancy tests." The reply, "since when?" "Since yesterday morning. I just keep taking them. What do I do?" The answer was a 1:55 appointment.

"Tubals fail 1% of the time. You're one in 100! We just need to figure out how far along you are." I had to ask, "so the test was positive?" All we could do was giggle. I mean, this wasn't our plan, so it had to be God's. What are you going to do? Laugh and love. Now it was just time to figure out where this little peanut was in there.

Meanwhile, I'm given the instructions, "if you feel any pain in your pelvis, call us immediately and go to the ER. An ectopic pregnancy can rupture." (of course, I've been all over the internet and already know all of this) Can I tell you how many odd pangs I had in my pelvis?!

Tuesday morning, after a good 12 hours of sleep - because after you know the facts, why try to push yourself through the tiredness, I drag myself out of bed. After showering, I look myself in the mirror and repeat, out loud I think, "You're pregnant. You're having a baby," because I had to convince myself this was happening. This is also the day I shared with some of my friends the need for prayer - for shock, for excitement, for health.

Wednesday, again, good sleep, drag out of bed - "You are pregnant" in the mirror. Repeat blood work (oh, how I love needles).

Thursday, drag out of bed, repeat my mantra (which has become a multiple-times-a-day thing). At some point I realized I was beginning to bleed. It was a strange rush of emotions, almost as powerful as seeing the positive test (all 4 times I might add). There was relief. There was sadness. There was guilt. I phoned the doctor, again inarticulate with my words, but they got the idea. A few hours later, comparing the hcg levels from Monday to Wednesday, a miscarriage was confirmed.

I know my God is Sovereign. He has a plan and this is part of it. I don't understand it. Why bring me to pregnancy (with my TUBES TIED) to take the baby? I know there are a hundred answers to that question, and I don't really want or need an answer. I know it wasn't anything I did, but the guilt has still been there. The loss is still there, even after a few short days of knowing.

The plan, for those of you who might be wondering, is for the other half (that would be the Mr.) to take his turn at a try of sterilization. Obviously, I have wonder tubes (or floozies, as I've called them) who have a mind of their own.

God is Almighty, and He is Sovereign. He is in control.

Fear, Peace & Joy

Thank you to so many of you for commenting, calling, praying, and loving me after the last post. I am sorry that it seems to have freaked out so many people! But, can I tell you how much I value your wisdom and love? I truly do.

My dear sister, Lisa, asked me, “What is your passion?” After I listed about 10 things, she said, “that’s too many.” Yep. Therein lies the problem.

When I’m at school, I love it (now).
When I’m at home cleaning or doing laundry, I love it. (I really do!)
When I’m with my children, I love it.
When I’m taking pictures, I love it.
When I’m ministering to others, I love it.
When I’m processing pictures, I love it.

Sigh. So much to love, so little time. That's really my quandary. I listened to Andy Stanley's series Discovering God's Will a year or two ago, and there was one message that hit on the idea of margin - that space in our lives where we live, rest, and play. It was in this time period that I knew I had to make changes at work and pursued the job share. I find myself in the same place.

I enjoyed the first year of part time work, but, as could be expected, I have filled every nook and cranny of life with busyness even with my "extra" time not spent in the classroom. I knew it was a challenge I would face, to avoid filling that time, and I failed. I laugh as I admit that failure because I got so upset with people who told me I still wouldn't get it all done. I did, for a while, until "the extra" came in and planted her tush right in the middle!

Another wise friend asked me today, "What is going to keep you from doing the same thing if you stop working?" Good point. The fact is, I'm going to fill my time, no matter how much I'm given. The grass does seem greener on the stay-at-home side when it comes to time. Time is about management, no matter how much I'm given.

So, in a much more optimistic position, I stumbled on to a post by a fellow pastor wife today that was touting Christine Caine's new book Can I Have And Do It All, Please? which led me straight to Amazon to read: (you can't block indent on blogger, by the way)

The truth is, you can have it all, and you can do it all...but often it's an incorrect perception of what the "all" is that can leave us feeling like we fall short. If we want to do this adventure called life well, and fulfil the purpose God has for our lives, we need to discover what His definition of the "all" is, and go after that. 21

I think that's the hardest part of this "decision." What is my purpose, and what is the "all" that God wants for me. As soon as I think of 100 reasons to stay home, I think of 100 more to stay put and work for the glory of God in the schools.

So, my search is for peace and joy in the wake of human fear.

Be Still

Where I have I been? Good question. In denial, I believe. Maybe confusion. Patiently waiting? Can I pass it off as patiently waiting? Didn't think so.

Busyness has been my blindfold and comfort, of sorts, as I avoid dealing with the situation at hand. I truly need to get away, all alone, in a very barren location with only my Bible and an iPod of worship music. I do. I've heard of retreats where they take all electronic devices for a period of about four days, and you spend time with God. I cry right now as I think of how delightful that would be.

I cry a lot lately.

Usually behind doors where no one, not even Jeremy, sees or hears.

I tell everyone I'm fine.

I'm so confused.

Right now I'm a very emotional woman! I mean, we're all emotional, aren't we, ladies? I have a friend who's husband used to wave his hands in the air and say, "Wheeee, riding the Christy roller coaster!!!" She'd roll her eyes, and they'd move on. (we just lost touch, they're still married) But, honestly, I think Jeremy probably thinks, "I wonder which of Sybil's personalities is going to greet me?" when he sees I'm calling or arrives home. It would be a valid question. Some days I'm inside of myself thinking, "who are you?"

I'm also a very logical lady. Really, I am. Not just because I had a perfect 100 in Philosophy 240 at A&M, that's the logic class and I don't know why it was on my degree plan, and I beat Jeremy and Joey. But, I digress, that whole story is for another time. I'm an analyzer. I like to take a slow, methodical approach to figuring things out. I'm a slow processor. Please don't rush me when I'm making an important decision (even if that important decision is what to have for lunch).

As a result, there's a war going on inside of Misti White - emotion versus logic. The battle is ON. And, I'm stuck right smack in the middle.

Back to busyness. I desire more than anything for my life to slow down. I want to spend a day on the couch. I want to spend more than 15 to 20 minutes in a Bible study and prayer (excluding prayer while running because I keep getting distracted by deer - yes, behind Our Savior Lutheran a beautiful buck & doe - potholes, dogs, and so forth). I want

"to sit at your feet

drink from the cup in your hand

lay back against you and breathe

feel your heartbeat

This love is so deep

It's more than I can stand

I melt in your peace,

It's overwhelming."

I want that peace. This song would be the latest addition to my iPod tonight. I just flat out broke down tonight at the Women's Night of Worship when we were singing that song. Can I tell you that I don't break down in public? I don't. And, I hid it very quickly. But that's what I want. I want to just sit with Jesus. Just be with Him. His overwhelming peace. I want His direction for what is best.

Please tell me. Please.

I was so sure it was time to walk away. But...

Since the inception of the church, I saw, I know God's role for my life was to work. My gift has been the gift of reassurance for working mothers. It's okay. It's okay to work - to want to work, to enjoy work - as long as you are serving God first, and family second. When that became flipped, God provided a miracle part time position. For 12 years my work has been my ministry. I am the only example of Jesus some of those students see. It's no accident I was called late in July for an unexpected job opening, that I was NOT the favored interviewee - the other lady had it, but she totally blew her interview, that I didn't even plan to show up for the interview that day but it was against my good character to be a no show, that I had every intention to decline the offer except my then-principal gave me a good hour long talk and a week to think about it and make up my mind! All God.

I don't want to sound high and mighty because every one of these statements is a God given gift, a way that He is using me. I'm the only wife of a pastoral staff that works, albeit part time. I have a whole different perspective, and so does Jeremy. I have a whole different set of insight. I help us stay connected to what's happening in the community via school (that one was from Jeremy). Honestly, and humbly, I'm good at what I do. Or, I was. This year, in all seriousness, I'm not as good. In various conversations with fellow teachers, I have been told that I give a calmness and peace and joy by being there (and I don't know how this is happening; clearly my emotional turmoil is not as evident at school). I have parents that thank me over and over for being a spiritual light for their children and for truly caring.

I feel like I should stay for these reasons. Also, logically, I don't want to leave on a 'downer' year. I also don't think I'll go back once I leave; am I ready for that? I think next year will be easier with fewer changes (presumably). Those all seem very 'Misti oriented' answers.

But I sat on stage at church a few weeks back and I lied. I said how much I loved teaching and how much it was who I am, and I almost cried. It was hollow. I felt hollow as I spoke the words.

I just want to do what glorifies God. I don't know what that is. I don't like riding the fence. I want to be hot or cold, that's biblical, right!?! I know the first part of the answer is to be still. I don't want to be Martha, but I totally am.

I need to be still.

Exodus 14:14The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."

Psalm 46:10"Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."

If you made it this far, thanks for sticking through that with me, that's one reason I haven't blogged. I have 4 drafts saved that are just as rambling as this one (just various stages of emotion).

Waiting & Listening

God, I pray that this post will be an encouragement and challenge to those who read and not a display of pride. It's all for you, it's not about me. Amen.

Can I tell you that worship has never been sweeter for me? I've always needed the praise and worship time. I love the message, but I definitely make it a priority not to miss the music part of service. The last couple of weeks, I've had to stop and write down some lyrics because I find myself so overwhelmed by them ~ like almost lifting my hands up (not that it's bad to lift your hands, but I find worship a very private experience and do not want to draw attention to myself, and, since I sit on the front row the chances of that are increased; also, I've heard a lot of people tell me how distracting it is for them to see others waving their hands around, and I do not want to hinder someone else; finally, I can worship fine with my hands down because God knows my heart).

So let my whole life be a blazing offering

A life that shouts and sings the greatness of our King

...

Take my life and let it be

All for You and for Your glory

Take my life and let it be yours

~ Steve Fee

Glory to God Forever

We will give it all to you
Even through the rise and fall
We will give it all to you, my God
I will give it all to you
Cause even when I weak you’re strong
I will give it all to you, my God.
Jesus, Savior, King of Nations
You have come to save.
We will praise you, now and forever
We were born to praise.
You have come to save
You have come to change
The world through us
But change us first!

~Daniel Harper

Give It All

Where does that lead me...I'm not sure. I know that God has given me great comfort in the past days to the point where I'm enjoying going to work. The sick feeling in my stomach has left which makes the drive to work much more pleasurable than the feeling of complete dread and that I might break into sobs at any moment!

While at the Road to Reality meeting last week, I felt the little "knock, knock, knock." (Sidenote: I think I am staying too busy to sit and listen to God because I got a lot out of that meeting that wasn't about what the meeting was about.) "So, you're really over your salary? You can quit and not miss it?" "Yes, God, I am. I even looked and didn't cringe when I saw I'd be giving up $25,000." "Give it to me next month." "Wha-huh?" "Yes, give it to me for a month. Your month's salary - give it to me." That really left me no leg to stand on. I'm willing to give it up, so an act of faith would be to follow God here and give it for a month.

At that moment lightbulbs began to flash on. Obedience even though I don't know where it's leading is a little difficult for me, but step by step seems to be the least painful, so I'm going with it. Wow, this journey, this trip through the deepest valley I've travelled through in a while, this is part of the answer! I had to loosen my grip on "my" money! My salary for the last years has been the "fun" money for the family. Don't think we blow it all on fun - there is the medical flex account, there is savings, there is retirement, and so on, but, really, my salary is the extra cushion in our lives. I find myself often thinking, "Yes, I can and I am because that's why I'm working. I deserve it." Uh, no honey, you don't.

I felt a little like I did the night I told Jeremy that God had revealed that we were, indeed, supposed to plant a church. I was a little embarrassed by the big deal I had made in other conversations, embarrassed by my selfishness, and humbled by the opportunity. I think you could have knocked Jeremy over with a feather. "You can pick up your jaw from the floor," I told him.

Can I tell you that just two days after listening to God, my dishwasher quit working - for the 3rd time in the 5 years we've lived here? I remember starting to unload, seeing the food (now baked on), and thinking, "Well, that's what my salary is for." Can I tell you my confusion when I remembered I was giving that to God? "What's that all about, huh? I gave it to You, but now I need it! You know I can't and won't take it back because You're GOD, so what am I going to do? I trust you to provide, and I give it to You." I examined the situation and decided a $20 part might make the fix. Upon arrival, it didn't. With humor and maybe a touch of frustration, I broadcast it to the FB world on Thursday. No intention other than expression of the humor of replacing other elements in the kitchen for the dish washer to follow with a final surrender.

I got a reply, "we just pulled our dishwasher out because we are remodeling. You are welcome to it. It is 2 years old. Its a white GE."

It seems this couple wasn't planning a remodel quite so soon, but Monday decided to get started. The dishwasher came out just two or three days before I needed it. Seems someone was making preparations for me. Jeremy and I loaded up, loaded a dish washer, uninstalled the dead one and reinstalled a new one.

Funny, this new-to-me dishwasher holds more dishes, washes better, and is quieter than my other one, oh, and it matches my kitchen! Anyway, it's pretty cool to watch God provide and be present in your life.

This gave me a great reference just a few nights ago when Jeremy indicated a need to talk where he had my full attention (without kids, away from the computer ~gasp, eye to eye). "I think it's time we step out on faith." My mind raced...where is he going with this, what are getting? what are we giving up? who's coming to live with us? are we giving the truck away? adopting someone? what?! "I think we need to seriously consider you quitting next year."

Did you just feel the jab to the stomach? maybe the jaw? I sure did.

See, in our last conversation, Jeremy was supportive, but still thinking this was the typical "beginning of the school year" stress & blues, pointed out how my salary paved the way for retirement, how he envisioned the money we spend on Hudson's preschool would go into the college fund, and so forth. He did not shoot me down, but I had begun adjusting to his way of thinking, so this kind of knocked the breath out of me for a minute.

I don't know what to think...so I'm just singin' my prayer...

So let my whole life be a blazing offering
A life that shouts and sings the greatness of our King
...
Take my life and let it be
All for You and for Your glory
Take my life and let it be yours
~ Steve Fee
Glory to God Forever

And, riding the wave of the rise and fall...

"Give it all" from NewSpring Media on

Revelation

The prayer of my heart...I truly have no direction. I do not want what is of me, but that which will glorify God the most. I heard this on the radio on my short drive home last week. I just caught the chorus, and it resonated in me. I came straight home and downloaded it. I keep praying the words.

Revelation ~Third Day

My life has led me down the road that’s so uncertain
And now I am left alone and I am broken,
Tryin’ to find my way, tryin’ to find the faith that’s gone
This time, I know that you are holding all the answers
I’m tired of losing hope and taking chances,
On roads that never seem,
To be the ones that bring me home

Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been tryin’ to find my way,
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You

My life has led me down this path that’s ever winding
Through every twist and turn I’m always finding,
That I am lost again (I am lost again)
Tell me when this road will ever end
Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been tryin’ to find my way,
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You

I don’t know where I can turn
Tell me when will I learn
Won’t You show me where I need to go
Oh oh
Let me follow Your lead,
I know that it’s the only way that I can get back home

Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been trying to find my way,
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You
Oh, give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You

Road Trip

I can't say I've received an answers in the past days, but I'm further down the road, and I'm travelling with Him.

Following my husband and Chris's notes from over a week ago, I've drawn near to God like never before. I've been sick enough before that I literally had to lean against a wall to stay up, and I've also had to lay on the ground because I just wasn't able to go on. I'm there - God is my wall and my floor. I almost feel depressed, but I find joy in Him and my family, so I know I'm not truly in a depression.

I know I haven't searched the Scriptures like I should. I've been in a study of the Psalms, and I'm eager for it to end because I can feel that I'm about to move on to something huge. I've prayed - and prayed - and prayed. Not hour upon hour of prayer, but in every move I make I find myself just praying to God for His direction and intervention. Jeremy and I discussed the fact that he is not part of my wise counsel right now. He's too close to the situation. That's a little disheartening, because, really, I don't have anyone for counsel. It's a bit of a lonely road, and the first time I've found myself in such a situation. My friends are all too close to the situation as to how it personally affects them or how it will influence their worth (can I say I HATE the stay home vs. work outside home dichotomy?). Jeremy and I sat and tried to think of someone to give me counsel, and we are both at a loss. That makes me sad, but happy, too, because God made me - ME!

I loved that Jeremy ended that message with the question, What requires more faith? I also love how this week's message fit so perfectly with that question in my life. Point 3 this week is basically, What has God done in the past to give me confidence in the future? If I take the faith question and the what God has done question, I have a beautiful reassurance that God loves me and will take care of me. What required more faith - leaving Dallas, a part time job, secure finances, friends or coming to Granbury to plant a church, uncertain finances, no job, no friends? That was easy! What did God do? He blessed my socks off! And it's not all about the pursuit of blessing, but about following him in faith.

What requires more faith? I don't know. I know that I am doing what I can and trusting God with what I can't, and I'm praying for the right people to walk into my life and the wrong to just leave me alone.

Lately God has really reached my heart and given me prayer through songs. These songs have truly touched me in the last weeks: To Trust You, Revelation, and Glory to God Forever.

To Trust You ~ Ginny Owens
I'm knocking on Your door,
Won't you answer?
I'm waiting for a word,
Or just a whisper;
But if You can't answer me this time,
I can handle everything just fine
'Cause somehow I seem to think I have power,
And I know best how to make things better,
I try to carry everything alone,
But now the time has come to let go
To trust You with my life,
To believe You all the time,
And to leave my doubt behind,
Oh to trust You with my life.

Will I ever learn to stop and listen,
To keep knocking on Your door until it opens,
Teach me what it means to believe,
That You are strong enough to carry me
Oh, to trust You with my life,
To believe You all the time,
And to leave my doubt behind,
Oh, to trust You with my life.
And to give You everything,
All the deepest parts of me,
And to know You're always right,
To trust You with my life.
Broken here before You on my knees,
Is my only hope of finding peace.

All I know is to pray the words of this song. To pray that I don't fall into the trap of "handling everything just fine" on my own, but to truly wait on Him. To believe that He is strong enough to carry me and keep knocking on the door until He reveals that it is opened. Most of all, I know the time has come to let go and just trust.

Identity Crisis

I feel as if I'm in a holding pattern of sorts. I've much recovered from the emotional nature of my last post (thank you, God for my emotional breakdown in the bathroom during which I spied the birth control pills and the sudden realization you gave me that those were the emotional trigger. side note - this does not mean we're having more children, my tubes are shut down for business).

But, I can't say that I've had any epiphany since the last post other than a very definite comfort from God (thank you for the many prayers on behalf of the many pray-ers) and a peace to "be still." That's not a "be still" in action, and if it is, I haven't done it well.

It's interesting that Jeremy's message series is on taking a road trip with God. I can't think of a more timely message series for my life, and, in reality, Jeremy's as he walks this with me. It just proves God's most perfect timing because this series has been planned out for many, many months in advance. Who knew I'd be facing an identity crisis in the very timing of a series focused on finding God's vision for your life! Well, God did because that's how He is.

I think it's interesting to note, too, how God has already been working His divine plan for a long time now. Not too long ago I was struck by the need for my prayer life to increase. Not long before that I was lead to realize that my obedience to God needed to be more radical. At that point I began dying to myself more than I have before (not that it's been so huge as of yet, though). It did lead me to a huge place last school year of giving up control of things that I have never had the least inkling of a desire to give up control. So, to clarify, increased obedience + giving up control + increased prayer = identity crisis.

Normally this term "identity crisis" is used with a negative connotation. Mine began that way because I felt like I was losing who I was - the very core of what makes me me. But, if you trace those other three that are all very good when aligned with God, this is a huge blessing!

My mind has been racing as I try to sort out the details. As I have reasoned, and used my logic, and tried to sort the good from the bad in various graphic organizers - t charts, Venn diagrams, and so on - I sense a personal God who has a little smile of pride on His face. You know, the look when you see your children wrestling with something that they're about to really get for the first time, and you're so excited to see it happen and you want to jump in to make it happen, but you know that they need to figure it out, but they can't see past that last step so they have to turn to you and, together, you get it done and it's a joy for you both. I'm the child and finishing this last part together. I'm so excited to be doing it, so excited it's with Him, but He's not finished showing me, yet.

My run this morning was refreshing - first cool breeze of the season, slight soft rain, and the God of the universe smiling at me as He spoke to my heart. "How many times have I let you down? Left you disappointed?" I struggled to think - there was my boyfriend in high school...but that was a blessing because it led me to Jeremy. There was the miscarriage...but that led me to Hudson. He's never promised me that there would be no pain, but He's never let me down. It took me back about 14 years.

My first year of college I had a partying phase. I can distinctly remember getting ready for a night out, sitting in my room in front of the full length mirror leaning against the wall. I'd feel a tap-tap-tap. "This is not what I have for you. There is something better." But, it is fun, I'd reply as I pushed aside the conviction and party on. The next morning as I got ready for work, school, or, rarely, church, I'd feel it again, tap-tap-tap "This is not My best for you. Let me show you." I knew. He was there. People have asked how I ended up at A&M - and I always have to pause because I don't know, except now I do. God had a plan. He must have smiled when I finally got it after all that tapping on my heart. I went to A&M to be a new person, to escape all the mess I had wrapped myself in, to go be with God.

This morning, I realized that I have the same exact feeling of tap-tap-tap. I'm not in the blatant disobedience that I was then, but sins of omission are just as great as those of commission. And the drawing of God is just as strong, maybe even stronger as I yearn to hear from Him and follow Him. I'm excited. I don't know where I'm going or what it means. It's kind of like heading off to college with a whole world of possibilities in front of me knowing that God will never let me down, and I can lean on Him.

"Giving Up What Was Never Ours"

I'm using the title of Chapter 8 in Lysa TerKeurst's book, What Happens When Women Say Yes to God. Yes, I've been in and out of this book for a while. Do give me some credit for having read it twice (and some parts 4 and 5 times).

One of the things I love about re-reading a book (since I'm an English teacher, let me tell you that you should always re-read a book at least once) is seeing my notes in the margins. This is especially cool when it's one of those books where I've recorded what God was doing in my life at the time. I love that God uses my very notes to give me that little pat on the back that is really a nudge much more than a pat of comfort.

Obviously, I took some time off during the summer. This is the one thing that I should NEVER take a vacation from - time with God. My relationship with God was less intimate over the summer. I can't tell you how refreshing it has been to meet with Him again in my favorite chair in the quietness of the morning. I'm studying Beth Moore's study over Psalms, and it's beautiful...but back to Chapter 8.

Beside her last paragraph on page 128 which reads:
Likewise, God has special knowledge in our lives. He has blessings for the radically obedient that make the dime-store stuff we are so intent on holding on to pale in comparison. The question is, do we trust Him? Do we trust that He will bless us? Do we trust that His blessings are infinitely better than what He might first ask us to release? My comment in the column reads, "Ouch - to think that I may not trust God - the CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE."

It makes me think of over a year ago when a dear friend of mine was struggling with a move in her life. It seemed everywhere we went, messages kept repeating the idea of letting go, loosening a grip, giving it to God. I remember watching her struggle with the decision and feeling pain for her. I find myself in the same position.

My dearest teaching friends, the words of this blog are meant for you, too, but I ask you to keep the words to yourself and not for discussion in the hallways and classrooms...

Years ago, I don't really remember when, I made a comment to God - almost a challenge - really, more of a dare. I don't remember the context, but I clearly remember saying (and constantly repeating since then), "God, if you want me to stop teaching, You're going to have to take the passion, the LOVE, away from me. It's just ingrained in WHO I am. It's part of my entity, part of ministry."

Yeah.

I can't believe I'm crying...but I AM! I guess confessions are hard, even on the computer. Especially when you really don't want to admit it for a ZILLION reasons - the biggest of which is the idea that, "OUCH - I may not trust the CREATOR of the UNIVERSE!" Because, I kinda don't.

My passion for teaching is gone. Wow, did I really just type those words...those words that have lingered on the tip of my tongue...been whispered via email as I cry out for prayer...been thrown out in the general direction of the husband to see his reaction?

I find myself explaining it away - which I am beginning to admit and believe is really my way of gripping onto it with the tightest of fists. Maybe it's just the beginning of the year - the beginning is always tough as the students have to push the limits to find the boundaries; parents have to learn that I have a plan other than the downfall of their child's GPA; maybe it's hormonal; maybe it's a test; maybe it's...a million different things.

But, I think there is more to it...after all, I can give you a LOT of reasons to stick with it, ready?
#1. I am one of the very few to have a part time job in my district. I mean really, I work 4 hours a day.
#2. God has given me the ability to connect with students, to win them over when they hate me at first.
#3. I've worked HARD on this career - college, grad school, national certification, 11 years in the classroom, no telling how much money.
#4. Some of my dearest friends are those I have taught with and do teach with.
#5. I'm able to impact lives for Christ in the classroom without ever preaching or teaching - just by example.
#6. I can spy on my own kids one day (yours, too), and I can be a better advocate for them.
#7. My income is good security. DISCLAIMER: Jeremy is in no way paid in relation to the offering that comes in. NO relationship there. His salary is set by the Advisory Board. But, knowing we're in a recession, in my mind (Jer has nothing to say about this one, it's all my own nonsense), I can help give some relief if the church starts to falter because he could request to cut his salary to help out. DISCLAIMER #2: the church is in NO financial stress. This is all my very over active imagination.

The lesson from #7 that God is showing me is that I am so arrogant to think that I could save the church! Hello, the Creator of the Universe has a plan that is quite a bit larger than my half of a teacher salary (and I don't even know how much that is, honestly).

So, my passion(s) - are they really mine, or do they belong to God? I know the answer is obvious, but can I give it up and hand it over willingly?

I don't know. I'm doing anything, yet. I'm keeping my eyes on Him, and I'm vowing to follow Him. And, I'm teaching according to Colossians 3:23-24 until His plan is revealed.

(fellow teachers, know that I'm praying that His plan is that this is all just a test of surrender for me and that my passion will be restored and lit anew!)

Lamentations follow-up

Hudson's using his arm again - YEA!

I've really examined what happened that day and how awful I felt. In our discussion of the chapter over Obedience, we discussed what is at the heart, the very cause, of our sinful behavior. You have to find the heart of the matter to really seek God and make change.

My conclusion: I was so upset with Hudson and the situation because of selfishness. My own selfishness. I wanted the morning to go smoothing, had all my ducks in a row and plans in line, and n.o.t.h.i.n.g went the way I wanted. Me. It was all about me.

Hudson was a 4 year old little boy who was hurting and full of fear. I was a mommy with a plan, who didn't feel his fear.

Selfishness is ugly.

What is at the heart of your sinful habits?

Lamentations

Yesterday felt like I was in the land of Lamentations. By 3:00 all I could do was hang on this verse and pray like mad for the day to be over:

²¹ Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:

²² Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.

²³ They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3: 21-23

Really, I felt like I lived in Lamentations 3 yesterday.

See, Saturday, Hudson fell off of Jenna's bed. It's not a tall bed. Maybe two feet off the ground. But, his hand was under his leg somehow, so he fell directly on his shoulder with nothing to brace his fall. I woke up from my nap and Jer's first words were, "I think H broke his collar bone. Do we go to the ER?" We talked about it, called around, and decided against it. Sunday night he was still hurting and not using his arm, so we made the decision to call the Dr. first thing.

At 8:30am I was explaining to Hudson that we were going to the doctor. The poor kid was terrified he was going to get a shot. I explained he wouldn't. He was still in a foul mood from being scared. Since they squeezed us in between two check ups (and I tried to be really calm and cool on the phone because it's easier to get a REAL appointment and not have to wait), we had lots of time for Hudson to continue to brew and fear to grow. He was a trooper during the exam, even though it hurt. "It's broken. We'll do x-rays to see the severity of the break and how long to wear the sling." She returned with a sling which sent Hudson into the corner of the room, hiding, kicking, and showing complete anger. We decided to wait until after the x-ray to put on the sling.

On the short drive over to the imaging office, Hudson's fear and anger grew. My seat was bombarded with kicks, shoes were kicked off, and a complete defiance of entering the building was given. At the office, he refused to get out of the car, instead balling up in the back floorboard. What do you do with a kid with a broken collar bone who refuses to get out of the car? You can't pull him out. I bribed. I pleaded. I comforted. I threatened. I gave an ultimatum. I don't remember what it was that got him out, but somehow we ended up inside the waiting room. Again, with the waiting, his fear and anger grew. "Hudson White." Hudson White wasn't moving from the couch in the waiting room. Not. Gonna. Move.

Once more, somehow we ended up in the x ray room. He immediately went into the "control center" around the corner. I drug him out. The rest is pretty much a blur, but it involved savage screaming, kicking, hitting, a ripped dress (mine), 3 or 4 extra attendants entering the room, some messed up shelves, and a nice, "Why don't you come back later when he's not agitated?" We walked out through the very full waiting room - including people from church and others I know. I was humiliated and at a loss. In the safety of the car, I fell to pieces. After I got home, I fell to pieces again.

You know, sometimes you feel totally inadequate as a mother? I couldn't comfort him. I couldn't calm him. I grew angry with him because he was making a scene, and really, he was just scared. I was embarrassed. I was overwhelmed. Jeremy came and took Hudson to give me a chance to collect myself. All I could do was think of these verses in Lamentations. Oh, how I wanted the day to be over, but it was only 11:30.

I continued to beat up myself. I reached out to a couple of friends for prayer, but I continued to wallow in my self pity and doubt. This morning I was doing my study in Discipleship Essentials. The lesson is Obedience this week. I struggle with being a patient mom full of gentleness and kindness. I recite the fruit of the spirit over and over, and I still struggle. Why? The answer was so obvious this morning..."Sinful behavior is the product of practiced patterns that become habits which sink their roots deep in us. Growing to Christ-likeness involves a process of replacing old habits with God-pleasing ones (206)." The Bible passage is Ephesians 4:17-32 with a focus on memory for 22-24. I can put off my old ways of thinking, but until I fill my brain and heart with the "new self," I'm fighting a losing battle.

Combine Lamentations 3 with Ephesians 4:17-32. Add the reading for the study, "The Principle of Replacement," and you get a humble heart. Today I asked God to be with me, step by step, breath by breath through the day with my children. I emptied myself of the old and implored my God to fill the holes that were left with His newness to make me a more Godly mom. I prayed Gal 5:22, Col 3:12, Eph 4:29, and Ps 141:3 to fill those holes.

It's been a great day. Tomorrow, I think I'll start the day by removing my old self and asking God to fill me again. I encourage you to do the same.