Thank you to so many of you for commenting, calling, praying, and loving me after the last post. I am sorry that it seems to have freaked out so many people! But, can I tell you how much I value your wisdom and love? I truly do.
My dear sister, Lisa, asked me, “What is your passion?” After I listed about 10 things, she said, “that’s too many.” Yep. Therein lies the problem.
When I’m at school, I love it (now).
When I’m at home cleaning or doing laundry, I love it. (I really do!)
When I’m with my children, I love it.
When I’m taking pictures, I love it.
When I’m ministering to others, I love it.
When I’m processing pictures, I love it.
Sigh. So much to love, so little time. That's really my quandary. I listened to Andy Stanley's series Discovering God's Will a year or two ago, and there was one message that hit on the idea of margin - that space in our lives where we live, rest, and play. It was in this time period that I knew I had to make changes at work and pursued the job share. I find myself in the same place.
I enjoyed the first year of part time work, but, as could be expected, I have filled every nook and cranny of life with busyness even with my "extra" time not spent in the classroom. I knew it was a challenge I would face, to avoid filling that time, and I failed. I laugh as I admit that failure because I got so upset with people who told me I still wouldn't get it all done. I did, for a while, until "the extra" came in and planted her tush right in the middle!
Another wise friend asked me today, "What is going to keep you from doing the same thing if you stop working?" Good point. The fact is, I'm going to fill my time, no matter how much I'm given. The grass does seem greener on the stay-at-home side when it comes to time. Time is about management, no matter how much I'm given.
So, in a much more optimistic position, I stumbled on to a post by a fellow pastor wife today that was touting Christine Caine's new book Can I Have And Do It All, Please? which led me straight to Amazon to read: (you can't block indent on blogger, by the way)
The truth is, you can have it all, and you can do it all...but often it's an incorrect perception of what the "all" is that can leave us feeling like we fall short. If we want to do this adventure called life well, and fulfil the purpose God has for our lives, we need to discover what His definition of the "all" is, and go after that. 21
I think that's the hardest part of this "decision." What is my purpose, and what is the "all" that God wants for me. As soon as I think of 100 reasons to stay home, I think of 100 more to stay put and work for the glory of God in the schools.
So, my search is for peace and joy in the wake of human fear.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Friday, November 6, 2009
Be Still
Where I have I been? Good question. In denial, I believe. Maybe confusion. Patiently waiting? Can I pass it off as patiently waiting? Didn't think so.
Busyness has been my blindfold and comfort, of sorts, as I avoid dealing with the situation at hand. I truly need to get away, all alone, in a very barren location with only my Bible and an iPod of worship music. I do. I've heard of retreats where they take all electronic devices for a period of about four days, and you spend time with God. I cry right now as I think of how delightful that would be.
I cry a lot lately.
Usually behind doors where no one, not even Jeremy, sees or hears.
I tell everyone I'm fine.
I'm so confused.
Right now I'm a very emotional woman! I mean, we're all emotional, aren't we, ladies? I have a friend who's husband used to wave his hands in the air and say, "Wheeee, riding the Christy roller coaster!!!" She'd roll her eyes, and they'd move on. (we just lost touch, they're still married) But, honestly, I think Jeremy probably thinks, "I wonder which of Sybil's personalities is going to greet me?" when he sees I'm calling or arrives home. It would be a valid question. Some days I'm inside of myself thinking, "who are you?"
I'm also a very logical lady. Really, I am. Not just because I had a perfect 100 in Philosophy 240 at A&M, that's the logic class and I don't know why it was on my degree plan, and I beat Jeremy and Joey. But, I digress, that whole story is for another time. I'm an analyzer. I like to take a slow, methodical approach to figuring things out. I'm a slow processor. Please don't rush me when I'm making an important decision (even if that important decision is what to have for lunch).
As a result, there's a war going on inside of Misti White - emotion versus logic. The battle is ON. And, I'm stuck right smack in the middle.
Back to busyness. I desire more than anything for my life to slow down. I want to spend a day on the couch. I want to spend more than 15 to 20 minutes in a Bible study and prayer (excluding prayer while running because I keep getting distracted by deer - yes, behind Our Savior Lutheran a beautiful buck & doe - potholes, dogs, and so forth). I want
Busyness has been my blindfold and comfort, of sorts, as I avoid dealing with the situation at hand. I truly need to get away, all alone, in a very barren location with only my Bible and an iPod of worship music. I do. I've heard of retreats where they take all electronic devices for a period of about four days, and you spend time with God. I cry right now as I think of how delightful that would be.
I cry a lot lately.
Usually behind doors where no one, not even Jeremy, sees or hears.
I tell everyone I'm fine.
I'm so confused.
Right now I'm a very emotional woman! I mean, we're all emotional, aren't we, ladies? I have a friend who's husband used to wave his hands in the air and say, "Wheeee, riding the Christy roller coaster!!!" She'd roll her eyes, and they'd move on. (we just lost touch, they're still married) But, honestly, I think Jeremy probably thinks, "I wonder which of Sybil's personalities is going to greet me?" when he sees I'm calling or arrives home. It would be a valid question. Some days I'm inside of myself thinking, "who are you?"
I'm also a very logical lady. Really, I am. Not just because I had a perfect 100 in Philosophy 240 at A&M, that's the logic class and I don't know why it was on my degree plan, and I beat Jeremy and Joey. But, I digress, that whole story is for another time. I'm an analyzer. I like to take a slow, methodical approach to figuring things out. I'm a slow processor. Please don't rush me when I'm making an important decision (even if that important decision is what to have for lunch).
As a result, there's a war going on inside of Misti White - emotion versus logic. The battle is ON. And, I'm stuck right smack in the middle.
Back to busyness. I desire more than anything for my life to slow down. I want to spend a day on the couch. I want to spend more than 15 to 20 minutes in a Bible study and prayer (excluding prayer while running because I keep getting distracted by deer - yes, behind Our Savior Lutheran a beautiful buck & doe - potholes, dogs, and so forth). I want
"to sit at your feet
drink from the cup in your hand
lay back against you and breathe
feel your heartbeat
This love is so deep
It's more than I can stand
I melt in your peace,
It's overwhelming."
I want that peace. This song would be the latest addition to my iPod tonight. I just flat out broke down tonight at the Women's Night of Worship when we were singing that song. Can I tell you that I don't break down in public? I don't. And, I hid it very quickly. But that's what I want. I want to just sit with Jesus. Just be with Him. His overwhelming peace. I want His direction for what is best.
Please tell me. Please.
I was so sure it was time to walk away. But...
Since the inception of the church, I saw, I know God's role for my life was to work. My gift has been the gift of reassurance for working mothers. It's okay. It's okay to work - to want to work, to enjoy work - as long as you are serving God first, and family second. When that became flipped, God provided a miracle part time position. For 12 years my work has been my ministry. I am the only example of Jesus some of those students see. It's no accident I was called late in July for an unexpected job opening, that I was NOT the favored interviewee - the other lady had it, but she totally blew her interview, that I didn't even plan to show up for the interview that day but it was against my good character to be a no show, that I had every intention to decline the offer except my then-principal gave me a good hour long talk and a week to think about it and make up my mind! All God.
I don't want to sound high and mighty because every one of these statements is a God given gift, a way that He is using me. I'm the only wife of a pastoral staff that works, albeit part time. I have a whole different perspective, and so does Jeremy. I have a whole different set of insight. I help us stay connected to what's happening in the community via school (that one was from Jeremy). Honestly, and humbly, I'm good at what I do. Or, I was. This year, in all seriousness, I'm not as good. In various conversations with fellow teachers, I have been told that I give a calmness and peace and joy by being there (and I don't know how this is happening; clearly my emotional turmoil is not as evident at school). I have parents that thank me over and over for being a spiritual light for their children and for truly caring.
I feel like I should stay for these reasons. Also, logically, I don't want to leave on a 'downer' year. I also don't think I'll go back once I leave; am I ready for that? I think next year will be easier with fewer changes (presumably). Those all seem very 'Misti oriented' answers.
But I sat on stage at church a few weeks back and I lied. I said how much I loved teaching and how much it was who I am, and I almost cried. It was hollow. I felt hollow as I spoke the words.
I just want to do what glorifies God. I don't know what that is. I don't like riding the fence. I want to be hot or cold, that's biblical, right!?! I know the first part of the answer is to be still. I don't want to be Martha, but I totally am.
I need to be still.
Exodus 14:14The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."
Psalm 46:10"Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."
If you made it this far, thanks for sticking through that with me, that's one reason I haven't blogged. I have 4 drafts saved that are just as rambling as this one (just various stages of emotion).
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Waiting & Listening
God, I pray that this post will be an encouragement and challenge to those who read and not a display of pride. It's all for you, it's not about me. Amen.
Can I tell you that worship has never been sweeter for me? I've always needed the praise and worship time. I love the message, but I definitely make it a priority not to miss the music part of service. The last couple of weeks, I've had to stop and write down some lyrics because I find myself so overwhelmed by them ~ like almost lifting my hands up (not that it's bad to lift your hands, but I find worship a very private experience and do not want to draw attention to myself, and, since I sit on the front row the chances of that are increased; also, I've heard a lot of people tell me how distracting it is for them to see others waving their hands around, and I do not want to hinder someone else; finally, I can worship fine with my hands down because God knows my heart).
Can I tell you that worship has never been sweeter for me? I've always needed the praise and worship time. I love the message, but I definitely make it a priority not to miss the music part of service. The last couple of weeks, I've had to stop and write down some lyrics because I find myself so overwhelmed by them ~ like almost lifting my hands up (not that it's bad to lift your hands, but I find worship a very private experience and do not want to draw attention to myself, and, since I sit on the front row the chances of that are increased; also, I've heard a lot of people tell me how distracting it is for them to see others waving their hands around, and I do not want to hinder someone else; finally, I can worship fine with my hands down because God knows my heart).
So let my whole life be a blazing offering
A life that shouts and sings the greatness of our King
...
Take my life and let it be
All for You and for Your glory
Take my life and let it be yours
~ Steve Fee
Glory to God Forever
We will give it all to you
Even through the rise and fall
We will give it all to you, my God
I will give it all to you
Cause even when I weak you’re strong
I will give it all to you, my God.
Jesus, Savior, King of Nations
You have come to save.
We will praise you, now and forever
We were born to praise.
You have come to save
You have come to change
The world through us
But change us first!
Even through the rise and fall
We will give it all to you, my God
I will give it all to you
Cause even when I weak you’re strong
I will give it all to you, my God.
Jesus, Savior, King of Nations
You have come to save.
We will praise you, now and forever
We were born to praise.
You have come to save
You have come to change
The world through us
But change us first!
~Daniel Harper
Give It All
Where does that lead me...I'm not sure. I know that God has given me great comfort in the past days to the point where I'm enjoying going to work. The sick feeling in my stomach has left which makes the drive to work much more pleasurable than the feeling of complete dread and that I might break into sobs at any moment!
While at the Road to Reality meeting last week, I felt the little "knock, knock, knock." (Sidenote: I think I am staying too busy to sit and listen to God because I got a lot out of that meeting that wasn't about what the meeting was about.) "So, you're really over your salary? You can quit and not miss it?" "Yes, God, I am. I even looked and didn't cringe when I saw I'd be giving up $25,000." "Give it to me next month." "Wha-huh?" "Yes, give it to me for a month. Your month's salary - give it to me." That really left me no leg to stand on. I'm willing to give it up, so an act of faith would be to follow God here and give it for a month.
At that moment lightbulbs began to flash on. Obedience even though I don't know where it's leading is a little difficult for me, but step by step seems to be the least painful, so I'm going with it. Wow, this journey, this trip through the deepest valley I've travelled through in a while, this is part of the answer! I had to loosen my grip on "my" money! My salary for the last years has been the "fun" money for the family. Don't think we blow it all on fun - there is the medical flex account, there is savings, there is retirement, and so on, but, really, my salary is the extra cushion in our lives. I find myself often thinking, "Yes, I can and I am because that's why I'm working. I deserve it." Uh, no honey, you don't.
I felt a little like I did the night I told Jeremy that God had revealed that we were, indeed, supposed to plant a church. I was a little embarrassed by the big deal I had made in other conversations, embarrassed by my selfishness, and humbled by the opportunity. I think you could have knocked Jeremy over with a feather. "You can pick up your jaw from the floor," I told him.
Can I tell you that just two days after listening to God, my dishwasher quit working - for the 3rd time in the 5 years we've lived here? I remember starting to unload, seeing the food (now baked on), and thinking, "Well, that's what my salary is for." Can I tell you my confusion when I remembered I was giving that to God? "What's that all about, huh? I gave it to You, but now I need it! You know I can't and won't take it back because You're GOD, so what am I going to do? I trust you to provide, and I give it to You." I examined the situation and decided a $20 part might make the fix. Upon arrival, it didn't. With humor and maybe a touch of frustration, I broadcast it to the FB world on Thursday. No intention other than expression of the humor of replacing other elements in the kitchen for the dish washer to follow with a final surrender.
I got a reply, "we just pulled our dishwasher out because we are remodeling. You are welcome to it. It is 2 years old. Its a white GE."
It seems this couple wasn't planning a remodel quite so soon, but Monday decided to get started. The dishwasher came out just two or three days before I needed it. Seems someone was making preparations for me. Jeremy and I loaded up, loaded a dish washer, uninstalled the dead one and reinstalled a new one.
Funny, this new-to-me dishwasher holds more dishes, washes better, and is quieter than my other one, oh, and it matches my kitchen! Anyway, it's pretty cool to watch God provide and be present in your life.
This gave me a great reference just a few nights ago when Jeremy indicated a need to talk where he had my full attention (without kids, away from the computer ~gasp, eye to eye). "I think it's time we step out on faith." My mind raced...where is he going with this, what are getting? what are we giving up? who's coming to live with us? are we giving the truck away? adopting someone? what?! "I think we need to seriously consider you quitting next year."
Did you just feel the jab to the stomach? maybe the jaw? I sure did.
See, in our last conversation, Jeremy was supportive, but still thinking this was the typical "beginning of the school year" stress & blues, pointed out how my salary paved the way for retirement, how he envisioned the money we spend on Hudson's preschool would go into the college fund, and so forth. He did not shoot me down, but I had begun adjusting to his way of thinking, so this kind of knocked the breath out of me for a minute.
I don't know what to think...so I'm just singin' my prayer...
So let my whole life be a blazing offering
A life that shouts and sings the greatness of our King
...
Take my life and let it be
All for You and for Your glory
Take my life and let it be yours
~ Steve Fee
Glory to God Forever
A life that shouts and sings the greatness of our King
...
Take my life and let it be
All for You and for Your glory
Take my life and let it be yours
~ Steve Fee
Glory to God Forever
And, riding the wave of the rise and fall...
"Give it all" from NewSpring Media on
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Revelation
The prayer of my heart...I truly have no direction. I do not want what is of me, but that which will glorify God the most. I heard this on the radio on my short drive home last week. I just caught the chorus, and it resonated in me. I came straight home and downloaded it. I keep praying the words.
Revelation ~Third Day
My life has led me down the road that’s so uncertain
And now I am left alone and I am broken,
Tryin’ to find my way, tryin’ to find the faith that’s gone
This time, I know that you are holding all the answers
I’m tired of losing hope and taking chances,
On roads that never seem,
To be the ones that bring me home
Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been tryin’ to find my way,
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You
My life has led me down this path that’s ever winding
Through every twist and turn I’m always finding,
That I am lost again (I am lost again)
Tell me when this road will ever end
Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been tryin’ to find my way,
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You
I don’t know where I can turn
Tell me when will I learn
Won’t You show me where I need to go
Oh oh
Let me follow Your lead,
I know that it’s the only way that I can get back home
Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been trying to find my way,
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You
Oh, give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You
Revelation ~Third Day
My life has led me down the road that’s so uncertain
And now I am left alone and I am broken,
Tryin’ to find my way, tryin’ to find the faith that’s gone
This time, I know that you are holding all the answers
I’m tired of losing hope and taking chances,
On roads that never seem,
To be the ones that bring me home
Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been tryin’ to find my way,
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You
My life has led me down this path that’s ever winding
Through every twist and turn I’m always finding,
That I am lost again (I am lost again)
Tell me when this road will ever end
Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been tryin’ to find my way,
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You
I don’t know where I can turn
Tell me when will I learn
Won’t You show me where I need to go
Oh oh
Let me follow Your lead,
I know that it’s the only way that I can get back home
Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been trying to find my way,
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You
Oh, give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You
Monday, September 28, 2009
Road Trip
I can't say I've received an answers in the past days, but I'm further down the road, and I'm travelling with Him.
Following my husband and Chris's notes from over a week ago, I've drawn near to God like never before. I've been sick enough before that I literally had to lean against a wall to stay up, and I've also had to lay on the ground because I just wasn't able to go on. I'm there - God is my wall and my floor. I almost feel depressed, but I find joy in Him and my family, so I know I'm not truly in a depression.
I know I haven't searched the Scriptures like I should. I've been in a study of the Psalms, and I'm eager for it to end because I can feel that I'm about to move on to something huge. I've prayed - and prayed - and prayed. Not hour upon hour of prayer, but in every move I make I find myself just praying to God for His direction and intervention. Jeremy and I discussed the fact that he is not part of my wise counsel right now. He's too close to the situation. That's a little disheartening, because, really, I don't have anyone for counsel. It's a bit of a lonely road, and the first time I've found myself in such a situation. My friends are all too close to the situation as to how it personally affects them or how it will influence their worth (can I say I HATE the stay home vs. work outside home dichotomy?). Jeremy and I sat and tried to think of someone to give me counsel, and we are both at a loss. That makes me sad, but happy, too, because God made me - ME!
I loved that Jeremy ended that message with the question, What requires more faith? I also love how this week's message fit so perfectly with that question in my life. Point 3 this week is basically, What has God done in the past to give me confidence in the future? If I take the faith question and the what God has done question, I have a beautiful reassurance that God loves me and will take care of me. What required more faith - leaving Dallas, a part time job, secure finances, friends or coming to Granbury to plant a church, uncertain finances, no job, no friends? That was easy! What did God do? He blessed my socks off! And it's not all about the pursuit of blessing, but about following him in faith.
What requires more faith? I don't know. I know that I am doing what I can and trusting God with what I can't, and I'm praying for the right people to walk into my life and the wrong to just leave me alone.
Lately God has really reached my heart and given me prayer through songs. These songs have truly touched me in the last weeks: To Trust You, Revelation, and Glory to God Forever.
To Trust You ~ Ginny Owens
I'm knocking on Your door,
Won't you answer?
I'm waiting for a word,
Or just a whisper;
But if You can't answer me this time,
I can handle everything just fine
'Cause somehow I seem to think I have power,
And I know best how to make things better,
I try to carry everything alone,
But now the time has come to let go
To trust You with my life,
To believe You all the time,
And to leave my doubt behind,
Oh to trust You with my life.
Will I ever learn to stop and listen,
To keep knocking on Your door until it opens,
Teach me what it means to believe,
That You are strong enough to carry me
Oh, to trust You with my life,
To believe You all the time,
And to leave my doubt behind,
Oh, to trust You with my life.
And to give You everything,
All the deepest parts of me,
And to know You're always right,
To trust You with my life.
Broken here before You on my knees,
Is my only hope of finding peace.
All I know is to pray the words of this song. To pray that I don't fall into the trap of "handling everything just fine" on my own, but to truly wait on Him. To believe that He is strong enough to carry me and keep knocking on the door until He reveals that it is opened. Most of all, I know the time has come to let go and just trust.
Following my husband and Chris's notes from over a week ago, I've drawn near to God like never before. I've been sick enough before that I literally had to lean against a wall to stay up, and I've also had to lay on the ground because I just wasn't able to go on. I'm there - God is my wall and my floor. I almost feel depressed, but I find joy in Him and my family, so I know I'm not truly in a depression.
I know I haven't searched the Scriptures like I should. I've been in a study of the Psalms, and I'm eager for it to end because I can feel that I'm about to move on to something huge. I've prayed - and prayed - and prayed. Not hour upon hour of prayer, but in every move I make I find myself just praying to God for His direction and intervention. Jeremy and I discussed the fact that he is not part of my wise counsel right now. He's too close to the situation. That's a little disheartening, because, really, I don't have anyone for counsel. It's a bit of a lonely road, and the first time I've found myself in such a situation. My friends are all too close to the situation as to how it personally affects them or how it will influence their worth (can I say I HATE the stay home vs. work outside home dichotomy?). Jeremy and I sat and tried to think of someone to give me counsel, and we are both at a loss. That makes me sad, but happy, too, because God made me - ME!
I loved that Jeremy ended that message with the question, What requires more faith? I also love how this week's message fit so perfectly with that question in my life. Point 3 this week is basically, What has God done in the past to give me confidence in the future? If I take the faith question and the what God has done question, I have a beautiful reassurance that God loves me and will take care of me. What required more faith - leaving Dallas, a part time job, secure finances, friends or coming to Granbury to plant a church, uncertain finances, no job, no friends? That was easy! What did God do? He blessed my socks off! And it's not all about the pursuit of blessing, but about following him in faith.
What requires more faith? I don't know. I know that I am doing what I can and trusting God with what I can't, and I'm praying for the right people to walk into my life and the wrong to just leave me alone.
Lately God has really reached my heart and given me prayer through songs. These songs have truly touched me in the last weeks: To Trust You, Revelation, and Glory to God Forever.
To Trust You ~ Ginny Owens
I'm knocking on Your door,
Won't you answer?
I'm waiting for a word,
Or just a whisper;
But if You can't answer me this time,
I can handle everything just fine
'Cause somehow I seem to think I have power,
And I know best how to make things better,
I try to carry everything alone,
But now the time has come to let go
To trust You with my life,
To believe You all the time,
And to leave my doubt behind,
Oh to trust You with my life.
Will I ever learn to stop and listen,
To keep knocking on Your door until it opens,
Teach me what it means to believe,
That You are strong enough to carry me
Oh, to trust You with my life,
To believe You all the time,
And to leave my doubt behind,
Oh, to trust You with my life.
And to give You everything,
All the deepest parts of me,
And to know You're always right,
To trust You with my life.
Broken here before You on my knees,
Is my only hope of finding peace.
All I know is to pray the words of this song. To pray that I don't fall into the trap of "handling everything just fine" on my own, but to truly wait on Him. To believe that He is strong enough to carry me and keep knocking on the door until He reveals that it is opened. Most of all, I know the time has come to let go and just trust.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Identity Crisis
I feel as if I'm in a holding pattern of sorts. I've much recovered from the emotional nature of my last post (thank you, God for my emotional breakdown in the bathroom during which I spied the birth control pills and the sudden realization you gave me that those were the emotional trigger. side note - this does not mean we're having more children, my tubes are shut down for business).
But, I can't say that I've had any epiphany since the last post other than a very definite comfort from God (thank you for the many prayers on behalf of the many pray-ers) and a peace to "be still." That's not a "be still" in action, and if it is, I haven't done it well.
It's interesting that Jeremy's message series is on taking a road trip with God. I can't think of a more timely message series for my life, and, in reality, Jeremy's as he walks this with me. It just proves God's most perfect timing because this series has been planned out for many, many months in advance. Who knew I'd be facing an identity crisis in the very timing of a series focused on finding God's vision for your life! Well, God did because that's how He is.
I think it's interesting to note, too, how God has already been working His divine plan for a long time now. Not too long ago I was struck by the need for my prayer life to increase. Not long before that I was lead to realize that my obedience to God needed to be more radical. At that point I began dying to myself more than I have before (not that it's been so huge as of yet, though). It did lead me to a huge place last school year of giving up control of things that I have never had the least inkling of a desire to give up control. So, to clarify, increased obedience + giving up control + increased prayer = identity crisis.
Normally this term "identity crisis" is used with a negative connotation. Mine began that way because I felt like I was losing who I was - the very core of what makes me me. But, if you trace those other three that are all very good when aligned with God, this is a huge blessing!
My mind has been racing as I try to sort out the details. As I have reasoned, and used my logic, and tried to sort the good from the bad in various graphic organizers - t charts, Venn diagrams, and so on - I sense a personal God who has a little smile of pride on His face. You know, the look when you see your children wrestling with something that they're about to really get for the first time, and you're so excited to see it happen and you want to jump in to make it happen, but you know that they need to figure it out, but they can't see past that last step so they have to turn to you and, together, you get it done and it's a joy for you both. I'm the child and finishing this last part together. I'm so excited to be doing it, so excited it's with Him, but He's not finished showing me, yet.
My run this morning was refreshing - first cool breeze of the season, slight soft rain, and the God of the universe smiling at me as He spoke to my heart. "How many times have I let you down? Left you disappointed?" I struggled to think - there was my boyfriend in high school...but that was a blessing because it led me to Jeremy. There was the miscarriage...but that led me to Hudson. He's never promised me that there would be no pain, but He's never let me down. It took me back about 14 years.
My first year of college I had a partying phase. I can distinctly remember getting ready for a night out, sitting in my room in front of the full length mirror leaning against the wall. I'd feel a tap-tap-tap. "This is not what I have for you. There is something better." But, it is fun, I'd reply as I pushed aside the conviction and party on. The next morning as I got ready for work, school, or, rarely, church, I'd feel it again, tap-tap-tap "This is not My best for you. Let me show you." I knew. He was there. People have asked how I ended up at A&M - and I always have to pause because I don't know, except now I do. God had a plan. He must have smiled when I finally got it after all that tapping on my heart. I went to A&M to be a new person, to escape all the mess I had wrapped myself in, to go be with God.
This morning, I realized that I have the same exact feeling of tap-tap-tap. I'm not in the blatant disobedience that I was then, but sins of omission are just as great as those of commission. And the drawing of God is just as strong, maybe even stronger as I yearn to hear from Him and follow Him. I'm excited. I don't know where I'm going or what it means. It's kind of like heading off to college with a whole world of possibilities in front of me knowing that God will never let me down, and I can lean on Him.
But, I can't say that I've had any epiphany since the last post other than a very definite comfort from God (thank you for the many prayers on behalf of the many pray-ers) and a peace to "be still." That's not a "be still" in action, and if it is, I haven't done it well.
It's interesting that Jeremy's message series is on taking a road trip with God. I can't think of a more timely message series for my life, and, in reality, Jeremy's as he walks this with me. It just proves God's most perfect timing because this series has been planned out for many, many months in advance. Who knew I'd be facing an identity crisis in the very timing of a series focused on finding God's vision for your life! Well, God did because that's how He is.
I think it's interesting to note, too, how God has already been working His divine plan for a long time now. Not too long ago I was struck by the need for my prayer life to increase. Not long before that I was lead to realize that my obedience to God needed to be more radical. At that point I began dying to myself more than I have before (not that it's been so huge as of yet, though). It did lead me to a huge place last school year of giving up control of things that I have never had the least inkling of a desire to give up control. So, to clarify, increased obedience + giving up control + increased prayer = identity crisis.
Normally this term "identity crisis" is used with a negative connotation. Mine began that way because I felt like I was losing who I was - the very core of what makes me me. But, if you trace those other three that are all very good when aligned with God, this is a huge blessing!
My mind has been racing as I try to sort out the details. As I have reasoned, and used my logic, and tried to sort the good from the bad in various graphic organizers - t charts, Venn diagrams, and so on - I sense a personal God who has a little smile of pride on His face. You know, the look when you see your children wrestling with something that they're about to really get for the first time, and you're so excited to see it happen and you want to jump in to make it happen, but you know that they need to figure it out, but they can't see past that last step so they have to turn to you and, together, you get it done and it's a joy for you both. I'm the child and finishing this last part together. I'm so excited to be doing it, so excited it's with Him, but He's not finished showing me, yet.
My run this morning was refreshing - first cool breeze of the season, slight soft rain, and the God of the universe smiling at me as He spoke to my heart. "How many times have I let you down? Left you disappointed?" I struggled to think - there was my boyfriend in high school...but that was a blessing because it led me to Jeremy. There was the miscarriage...but that led me to Hudson. He's never promised me that there would be no pain, but He's never let me down. It took me back about 14 years.
My first year of college I had a partying phase. I can distinctly remember getting ready for a night out, sitting in my room in front of the full length mirror leaning against the wall. I'd feel a tap-tap-tap. "This is not what I have for you. There is something better." But, it is fun, I'd reply as I pushed aside the conviction and party on. The next morning as I got ready for work, school, or, rarely, church, I'd feel it again, tap-tap-tap "This is not My best for you. Let me show you." I knew. He was there. People have asked how I ended up at A&M - and I always have to pause because I don't know, except now I do. God had a plan. He must have smiled when I finally got it after all that tapping on my heart. I went to A&M to be a new person, to escape all the mess I had wrapped myself in, to go be with God.
This morning, I realized that I have the same exact feeling of tap-tap-tap. I'm not in the blatant disobedience that I was then, but sins of omission are just as great as those of commission. And the drawing of God is just as strong, maybe even stronger as I yearn to hear from Him and follow Him. I'm excited. I don't know where I'm going or what it means. It's kind of like heading off to college with a whole world of possibilities in front of me knowing that God will never let me down, and I can lean on Him.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
"Giving Up What Was Never Ours"
I'm using the title of Chapter 8 in Lysa TerKeurst's book, What Happens When Women Say Yes to God. Yes, I've been in and out of this book for a while. Do give me some credit for having read it twice (and some parts 4 and 5 times).
One of the things I love about re-reading a book (since I'm an English teacher, let me tell you that you should always re-read a book at least once) is seeing my notes in the margins. This is especially cool when it's one of those books where I've recorded what God was doing in my life at the time. I love that God uses my very notes to give me that little pat on the back that is really a nudge much more than a pat of comfort.
Obviously, I took some time off during the summer. This is the one thing that I should NEVER take a vacation from - time with God. My relationship with God was less intimate over the summer. I can't tell you how refreshing it has been to meet with Him again in my favorite chair in the quietness of the morning. I'm studying Beth Moore's study over Psalms, and it's beautiful...but back to Chapter 8.
Beside her last paragraph on page 128 which reads:
Likewise, God has special knowledge in our lives. He has blessings for the radically obedient that make the dime-store stuff we are so intent on holding on to pale in comparison. The question is, do we trust Him? Do we trust that He will bless us? Do we trust that His blessings are infinitely better than what He might first ask us to release? My comment in the column reads, "Ouch - to think that I may not trust God - the CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE."
It makes me think of over a year ago when a dear friend of mine was struggling with a move in her life. It seemed everywhere we went, messages kept repeating the idea of letting go, loosening a grip, giving it to God. I remember watching her struggle with the decision and feeling pain for her. I find myself in the same position.
My dearest teaching friends, the words of this blog are meant for you, too, but I ask you to keep the words to yourself and not for discussion in the hallways and classrooms...
Years ago, I don't really remember when, I made a comment to God - almost a challenge - really, more of a dare. I don't remember the context, but I clearly remember saying (and constantly repeating since then), "God, if you want me to stop teaching, You're going to have to take the passion, the LOVE, away from me. It's just ingrained in WHO I am. It's part of my entity, part of ministry."
Yeah.
I can't believe I'm crying...but I AM! I guess confessions are hard, even on the computer. Especially when you really don't want to admit it for a ZILLION reasons - the biggest of which is the idea that, "OUCH - I may not trust the CREATOR of the UNIVERSE!" Because, I kinda don't.
My passion for teaching is gone. Wow, did I really just type those words...those words that have lingered on the tip of my tongue...been whispered via email as I cry out for prayer...been thrown out in the general direction of the husband to see his reaction?
I find myself explaining it away - which I am beginning to admit and believe is really my way of gripping onto it with the tightest of fists. Maybe it's just the beginning of the year - the beginning is always tough as the students have to push the limits to find the boundaries; parents have to learn that I have a plan other than the downfall of their child's GPA; maybe it's hormonal; maybe it's a test; maybe it's...a million different things.
But, I think there is more to it...after all, I can give you a LOT of reasons to stick with it, ready?
#1. I am one of the very few to have a part time job in my district. I mean really, I work 4 hours a day.
#2. God has given me the ability to connect with students, to win them over when they hate me at first.
#3. I've worked HARD on this career - college, grad school, national certification, 11 years in the classroom, no telling how much money.
#4. Some of my dearest friends are those I have taught with and do teach with.
#5. I'm able to impact lives for Christ in the classroom without ever preaching or teaching - just by example.
#6. I can spy on my own kids one day (yours, too), and I can be a better advocate for them.
#7. My income is good security. DISCLAIMER: Jeremy is in no way paid in relation to the offering that comes in. NO relationship there. His salary is set by the Advisory Board. But, knowing we're in a recession, in my mind (Jer has nothing to say about this one, it's all my own nonsense), I can help give some relief if the church starts to falter because he could request to cut his salary to help out. DISCLAIMER #2: the church is in NO financial stress. This is all my very over active imagination.
The lesson from #7 that God is showing me is that I am so arrogant to think that I could save the church! Hello, the Creator of the Universe has a plan that is quite a bit larger than my half of a teacher salary (and I don't even know how much that is, honestly).
So, my passion(s) - are they really mine, or do they belong to God? I know the answer is obvious, but can I give it up and hand it over willingly?
I don't know. I'm doing anything, yet. I'm keeping my eyes on Him, and I'm vowing to follow Him. And, I'm teaching according to Colossians 3:23-24 until His plan is revealed.
(fellow teachers, know that I'm praying that His plan is that this is all just a test of surrender for me and that my passion will be restored and lit anew!)
One of the things I love about re-reading a book (since I'm an English teacher, let me tell you that you should always re-read a book at least once) is seeing my notes in the margins. This is especially cool when it's one of those books where I've recorded what God was doing in my life at the time. I love that God uses my very notes to give me that little pat on the back that is really a nudge much more than a pat of comfort.
Obviously, I took some time off during the summer. This is the one thing that I should NEVER take a vacation from - time with God. My relationship with God was less intimate over the summer. I can't tell you how refreshing it has been to meet with Him again in my favorite chair in the quietness of the morning. I'm studying Beth Moore's study over Psalms, and it's beautiful...but back to Chapter 8.
Beside her last paragraph on page 128 which reads:
Likewise, God has special knowledge in our lives. He has blessings for the radically obedient that make the dime-store stuff we are so intent on holding on to pale in comparison. The question is, do we trust Him? Do we trust that He will bless us? Do we trust that His blessings are infinitely better than what He might first ask us to release? My comment in the column reads, "Ouch - to think that I may not trust God - the CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE."
It makes me think of over a year ago when a dear friend of mine was struggling with a move in her life. It seemed everywhere we went, messages kept repeating the idea of letting go, loosening a grip, giving it to God. I remember watching her struggle with the decision and feeling pain for her. I find myself in the same position.
My dearest teaching friends, the words of this blog are meant for you, too, but I ask you to keep the words to yourself and not for discussion in the hallways and classrooms...
Years ago, I don't really remember when, I made a comment to God - almost a challenge - really, more of a dare. I don't remember the context, but I clearly remember saying (and constantly repeating since then), "God, if you want me to stop teaching, You're going to have to take the passion, the LOVE, away from me. It's just ingrained in WHO I am. It's part of my entity, part of ministry."
Yeah.
I can't believe I'm crying...but I AM! I guess confessions are hard, even on the computer. Especially when you really don't want to admit it for a ZILLION reasons - the biggest of which is the idea that, "OUCH - I may not trust the CREATOR of the UNIVERSE!" Because, I kinda don't.
My passion for teaching is gone. Wow, did I really just type those words...those words that have lingered on the tip of my tongue...been whispered via email as I cry out for prayer...been thrown out in the general direction of the husband to see his reaction?
I find myself explaining it away - which I am beginning to admit and believe is really my way of gripping onto it with the tightest of fists. Maybe it's just the beginning of the year - the beginning is always tough as the students have to push the limits to find the boundaries; parents have to learn that I have a plan other than the downfall of their child's GPA; maybe it's hormonal; maybe it's a test; maybe it's...a million different things.
But, I think there is more to it...after all, I can give you a LOT of reasons to stick with it, ready?
#1. I am one of the very few to have a part time job in my district. I mean really, I work 4 hours a day.
#2. God has given me the ability to connect with students, to win them over when they hate me at first.
#3. I've worked HARD on this career - college, grad school, national certification, 11 years in the classroom, no telling how much money.
#4. Some of my dearest friends are those I have taught with and do teach with.
#5. I'm able to impact lives for Christ in the classroom without ever preaching or teaching - just by example.
#6. I can spy on my own kids one day (yours, too), and I can be a better advocate for them.
#7. My income is good security. DISCLAIMER: Jeremy is in no way paid in relation to the offering that comes in. NO relationship there. His salary is set by the Advisory Board. But, knowing we're in a recession, in my mind (Jer has nothing to say about this one, it's all my own nonsense), I can help give some relief if the church starts to falter because he could request to cut his salary to help out. DISCLAIMER #2: the church is in NO financial stress. This is all my very over active imagination.
The lesson from #7 that God is showing me is that I am so arrogant to think that I could save the church! Hello, the Creator of the Universe has a plan that is quite a bit larger than my half of a teacher salary (and I don't even know how much that is, honestly).
So, my passion(s) - are they really mine, or do they belong to God? I know the answer is obvious, but can I give it up and hand it over willingly?
I don't know. I'm doing anything, yet. I'm keeping my eyes on Him, and I'm vowing to follow Him. And, I'm teaching according to Colossians 3:23-24 until His plan is revealed.
(fellow teachers, know that I'm praying that His plan is that this is all just a test of surrender for me and that my passion will be restored and lit anew!)
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Lamentations follow-up
Hudson's using his arm again - YEA!
I've really examined what happened that day and how awful I felt. In our discussion of the chapter over Obedience, we discussed what is at the heart, the very cause, of our sinful behavior. You have to find the heart of the matter to really seek God and make change.
My conclusion: I was so upset with Hudson and the situation because of selfishness. My own selfishness. I wanted the morning to go smoothing, had all my ducks in a row and plans in line, and n.o.t.h.i.n.g went the way I wanted. Me. It was all about me.
Hudson was a 4 year old little boy who was hurting and full of fear. I was a mommy with a plan, who didn't feel his fear.
Selfishness is ugly.
What is at the heart of your sinful habits?
I've really examined what happened that day and how awful I felt. In our discussion of the chapter over Obedience, we discussed what is at the heart, the very cause, of our sinful behavior. You have to find the heart of the matter to really seek God and make change.
My conclusion: I was so upset with Hudson and the situation because of selfishness. My own selfishness. I wanted the morning to go smoothing, had all my ducks in a row and plans in line, and n.o.t.h.i.n.g went the way I wanted. Me. It was all about me.
Hudson was a 4 year old little boy who was hurting and full of fear. I was a mommy with a plan, who didn't feel his fear.
Selfishness is ugly.
What is at the heart of your sinful habits?
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Lamentations
Yesterday felt like I was in the land of Lamentations. By 3:00 all I could do was hang on this verse and pray like mad for the day to be over:
21 Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:
22 Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3: 21-23
Really, I felt like I lived in Lamentations 3 yesterday.
See, Saturday, Hudson fell off of Jenna's bed. It's not a tall bed. Maybe two feet off the ground. But, his hand was under his leg somehow, so he fell directly on his shoulder with nothing to brace his fall. I woke up from my nap and Jer's first words were, "I think H broke his collar bone. Do we go to the ER?" We talked about it, called around, and decided against it. Sunday night he was still hurting and not using his arm, so we made the decision to call the Dr. first thing.
At 8:30am I was explaining to Hudson that we were going to the doctor. The poor kid was terrified he was going to get a shot. I explained he wouldn't. He was still in a foul mood from being scared. Since they squeezed us in between two check ups (and I tried to be really calm and cool on the phone because it's easier to get a REAL appointment and not have to wait), we had lots of time for Hudson to continue to brew and fear to grow. He was a trooper during the exam, even though it hurt. "It's broken. We'll do x-rays to see the severity of the break and how long to wear the sling." She returned with a sling which sent Hudson into the corner of the room, hiding, kicking, and showing complete anger. We decided to wait until after the x-ray to put on the sling.
On the short drive over to the imaging office, Hudson's fear and anger grew. My seat was bombarded with kicks, shoes were kicked off, and a complete defiance of entering the building was given. At the office, he refused to get out of the car, instead balling up in the back floorboard. What do you do with a kid with a broken collar bone who refuses to get out of the car? You can't pull him out. I bribed. I pleaded. I comforted. I threatened. I gave an ultimatum. I don't remember what it was that got him out, but somehow we ended up inside the waiting room. Again, with the waiting, his fear and anger grew. "Hudson White." Hudson White wasn't moving from the couch in the waiting room. Not. Gonna. Move.
Once more, somehow we ended up in the x ray room. He immediately went into the "control center" around the corner. I drug him out. The rest is pretty much a blur, but it involved savage screaming, kicking, hitting, a ripped dress (mine), 3 or 4 extra attendants entering the room, some messed up shelves, and a nice, "Why don't you come back later when he's not agitated?" We walked out through the very full waiting room - including people from church and others I know. I was humiliated and at a loss. In the safety of the car, I fell to pieces. After I got home, I fell to pieces again.
You know, sometimes you feel totally inadequate as a mother? I couldn't comfort him. I couldn't calm him. I grew angry with him because he was making a scene, and really, he was just scared. I was embarrassed. I was overwhelmed. Jeremy came and took Hudson to give me a chance to collect myself. All I could do was think of these verses in Lamentations. Oh, how I wanted the day to be over, but it was only 11:30.
I continued to beat up myself. I reached out to a couple of friends for prayer, but I continued to wallow in my self pity and doubt. This morning I was doing my study in Discipleship Essentials. The lesson is Obedience this week. I struggle with being a patient mom full of gentleness and kindness. I recite the fruit of the spirit over and over, and I still struggle. Why? The answer was so obvious this morning..."Sinful behavior is the product of practiced patterns that become habits which sink their roots deep in us. Growing to Christ-likeness involves a process of replacing old habits with God-pleasing ones (206)." The Bible passage is Ephesians 4:17-32 with a focus on memory for 22-24. I can put off my old ways of thinking, but until I fill my brain and heart with the "new self," I'm fighting a losing battle.
Combine Lamentations 3 with Ephesians 4:17-32. Add the reading for the study, "The Principle of Replacement," and you get a humble heart. Today I asked God to be with me, step by step, breath by breath through the day with my children. I emptied myself of the old and implored my God to fill the holes that were left with His newness to make me a more Godly mom. I prayed Gal 5:22, Col 3:12, Eph 4:29, and Ps 141:3 to fill those holes.
It's been a great day. Tomorrow, I think I'll start the day by removing my old self and asking God to fill me again. I encourage you to do the same.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Priorities (this got long on me...)
I have a perfectly reasonable reason (how's that for redundant?) for not posting. I've been doing an online book/Bible study, What Happens When Women Say Yes to God, with some ladies. After I share my thoughts with them via an email, I don't feel like typing the same thoughts again in a post, and it just feels inappropriate and less personal to copy and paste an email. So, today I'm going to try to mix it up; I'll post here first, copy and paste to an email and then edit to direct my questions to them specifically. It could work...
Obvious from the title, the book is about saying yes to God. Full surrender, full obedience. It's one of those things I've heard all my life, but didn't really understand, and, honestly, didn't care to understand until the last few years. It always seemed so hard and looked like it would cost SO much. But, I discover everyday that my life is actually easier when I hand things I normally try to control over to Him. And, it hasn't cost me anything I've missed!
We're to chapter 5 this week, and the title of the chapter is "What Keeps Us From Saying Yes to God." Lysa Terkeurst, the author, first begins with the "foes of acceptance and rejection." I hadn't really thought about it, but it does pretty simply boil down to those two forces in our life many times. I mean, that's why peer pressure is so effective from age 5 until, well, when does it really end? I mean, I'm 33, and I've come to a point in my life where I'm very secure in who I am. Love me or leave me, I'm okay with that. (Wow, that sounded really arrogant, but that's not it, I've just learned that it's okay, even great, to just be me and not try to dress like, talk like, look like, or try to be someone I'm not.) I guess it was actually hardest for me to accept myself...I'm getting off on a tangent. Back to acceptance and rejection. The point is that we as Christians fall into a whole new set of peer pressure.
Maybe you don't boldly share your faith or live out your faith because there are those around you who are might reject you; you fear Rejection. Friends that might stop calling. You fear where you might be excluded from "the group." So, rather than take hold of Jesus' hand, you walk along beside Him pretending that you don't know him. The other side of that is Acceptance. You become prideful in what YOU can do that you become bigger that your God and float along in front of him. The biggest problem with both of these is that they come down to performance - works or actions - rather than a relationship. It seems so easy sitting here writing and reading it, but why is it that once I get in the world, I suddenly start the tug-of-war game with Acceptance and Rejection?
When I focus simply on my relationship with Him in Bible study, prayer, and focusing on Him in my life, I find myself in a very joyful and contented position. When I start giving in to Acceptance and Rejection, I fall into Condemnation (term from Lysa) because I'm hopeless to live up to all the expectations of the world. This is where I start devaluing who I am, and I think part of that is because apart from Him, I am nothing. But, the closer I walk and dwell with him, the thoughts of Condemnation turn to Conviction. I no longer feel worthless or hopeless; I feel motivated and encouraged to make changes. It's a small difference that is different only in my walk with Christ. Both Cs involve change, both involve realizing I am lacking something, but the perspective offered through my Lord is the difference. When I realize I'm feeling the pang of hopelessness, I realize I need to get closer to God to give me hope.
From there, I have to decide to worry or to worship. "But we can make the choice to worship. When we worship in these hard places, we are reminded that none of this is about us - it's all about God.... We all worship something. We must choose who - or what - we will worship" (83). Wow, that comes full circle back to Acceptance and Rejection that flows into the cycle of Condemnation vs. Conviction that takes us to Worry vs. Worship. What a cycle! What breaks the cycle - worship, which is a pure focus on God and brings us peace.
Here is where I was going when I sat down to type...finally.
"If I am ever going to find peace past [the above cycle], it will only be because I choose daily to walk in absolute obedience to the moment-by-moment, day-by-day, assignment-by-assignment commands of the Lord" (84). Lysa quotes Isaiah 48:18, and I'm going to challenge you to look it up in your Bible (or biblegateway.com). And peace is described as "peace like a river." "A river is not calm and void of activity. It is active and cleansing and confident of the direction it is headed in. It doesn't get caught up with the rocks in its path. It flows over and around them, all the while smoothing their jagged edges and allowing them to add to its beauty rather than take away from it" (84). So, my walk with God isn't guaranteed to be smooth sailing? Nope.
"The world's way to peace would have me pull back to make life a little easier for me, my circumstances, and my family. The problem with this is that we were not put here to be all about ourselves - we were put here to be all about God" (85). This stood out to me like a flashing neon sign on the darkest night of the month in a desolate pasture (that's a weird simile). I guess I feel like it vindicated feelings I've had lately. I get various emails such as, "we've got a lot going on and just need a break, so I won't be able to serve this week" (at church) or "we can't make the meeting because we've been shopping, Johnny had a game, and I had a long day at work." I've been disappointed by those closest to me, some of which I've coached on the importance of saying no when things get too busy. We tend to over commit in our culture, but it's what we withdraw FROM that frustrates me. Why do we skip church so we can catch up on sleep and then later that day head to the lake for a day on the boat? Why don't we skip Johnny's game or shop later when the meeting is a Bible study, an accountability meeting, or prayer meeting? I'm not just pointing the finger to you, I'm pointing it at me, too.
I have to confess that I need to forgive those around me who have let me down by placing themselves before God. It's not my right to judge. It's my right to help teach, but I also realize that I have a big ol' speck in my eye that I have to get out before I can point out the speck in my brother's eye (Matt. 7: 3-5), because I have to get my priorities straight every morning.
Obvious from the title, the book is about saying yes to God. Full surrender, full obedience. It's one of those things I've heard all my life, but didn't really understand, and, honestly, didn't care to understand until the last few years. It always seemed so hard and looked like it would cost SO much. But, I discover everyday that my life is actually easier when I hand things I normally try to control over to Him. And, it hasn't cost me anything I've missed!
We're to chapter 5 this week, and the title of the chapter is "What Keeps Us From Saying Yes to God." Lysa Terkeurst, the author, first begins with the "foes of acceptance and rejection." I hadn't really thought about it, but it does pretty simply boil down to those two forces in our life many times. I mean, that's why peer pressure is so effective from age 5 until, well, when does it really end? I mean, I'm 33, and I've come to a point in my life where I'm very secure in who I am. Love me or leave me, I'm okay with that. (Wow, that sounded really arrogant, but that's not it, I've just learned that it's okay, even great, to just be me and not try to dress like, talk like, look like, or try to be someone I'm not.) I guess it was actually hardest for me to accept myself...I'm getting off on a tangent. Back to acceptance and rejection. The point is that we as Christians fall into a whole new set of peer pressure.
Maybe you don't boldly share your faith or live out your faith because there are those around you who are might reject you; you fear Rejection. Friends that might stop calling. You fear where you might be excluded from "the group." So, rather than take hold of Jesus' hand, you walk along beside Him pretending that you don't know him. The other side of that is Acceptance. You become prideful in what YOU can do that you become bigger that your God and float along in front of him. The biggest problem with both of these is that they come down to performance - works or actions - rather than a relationship. It seems so easy sitting here writing and reading it, but why is it that once I get in the world, I suddenly start the tug-of-war game with Acceptance and Rejection?
When I focus simply on my relationship with Him in Bible study, prayer, and focusing on Him in my life, I find myself in a very joyful and contented position. When I start giving in to Acceptance and Rejection, I fall into Condemnation (term from Lysa) because I'm hopeless to live up to all the expectations of the world. This is where I start devaluing who I am, and I think part of that is because apart from Him, I am nothing. But, the closer I walk and dwell with him, the thoughts of Condemnation turn to Conviction. I no longer feel worthless or hopeless; I feel motivated and encouraged to make changes. It's a small difference that is different only in my walk with Christ. Both Cs involve change, both involve realizing I am lacking something, but the perspective offered through my Lord is the difference. When I realize I'm feeling the pang of hopelessness, I realize I need to get closer to God to give me hope.
From there, I have to decide to worry or to worship. "But we can make the choice to worship. When we worship in these hard places, we are reminded that none of this is about us - it's all about God.... We all worship something. We must choose who - or what - we will worship" (83). Wow, that comes full circle back to Acceptance and Rejection that flows into the cycle of Condemnation vs. Conviction that takes us to Worry vs. Worship. What a cycle! What breaks the cycle - worship, which is a pure focus on God and brings us peace.
Here is where I was going when I sat down to type...finally.
"If I am ever going to find peace past [the above cycle], it will only be because I choose daily to walk in absolute obedience to the moment-by-moment, day-by-day, assignment-by-assignment commands of the Lord" (84). Lysa quotes Isaiah 48:18, and I'm going to challenge you to look it up in your Bible (or biblegateway.com). And peace is described as "peace like a river." "A river is not calm and void of activity. It is active and cleansing and confident of the direction it is headed in. It doesn't get caught up with the rocks in its path. It flows over and around them, all the while smoothing their jagged edges and allowing them to add to its beauty rather than take away from it" (84). So, my walk with God isn't guaranteed to be smooth sailing? Nope.
"The world's way to peace would have me pull back to make life a little easier for me, my circumstances, and my family. The problem with this is that we were not put here to be all about ourselves - we were put here to be all about God" (85). This stood out to me like a flashing neon sign on the darkest night of the month in a desolate pasture (that's a weird simile). I guess I feel like it vindicated feelings I've had lately. I get various emails such as, "we've got a lot going on and just need a break, so I won't be able to serve this week" (at church) or "we can't make the meeting because we've been shopping, Johnny had a game, and I had a long day at work." I've been disappointed by those closest to me, some of which I've coached on the importance of saying no when things get too busy. We tend to over commit in our culture, but it's what we withdraw FROM that frustrates me. Why do we skip church so we can catch up on sleep and then later that day head to the lake for a day on the boat? Why don't we skip Johnny's game or shop later when the meeting is a Bible study, an accountability meeting, or prayer meeting? I'm not just pointing the finger to you, I'm pointing it at me, too.
Ouch. After listening to a message series by Andy Stanley over a year ago, I realized I needed some breathing room in my life. It was at that point I realized my teaching career had to come to a screeching halt. I don’t think I can communicate how much I have always loved teaching. I have had so many people in my past tell me that once I had kids I HAD to quit working because that’s what a pastor’s wife does (I was a youth pastor’s wife in those years). I have had some criticism at StoneWater for the same. But teaching is SO IN me. I cannot express the joy it brings me (of course there are bad days, too). I came to a complete peace over the situation – both the loss of teaching and the loss of income. My income was finally more of a cushion and fun money than a necessity. Then, God gave me the opportunity of the job share. I could have my cake & eat it too! Praise God, it has been THE BEST YEAR as far as teaching & being a wife, mom, child of God. But, what I have noticed about myself, is I let other stuff creep in to suck up my time again. Then, I begin to look for ways to give myself some more breathing room (Andy called it ‘margin’). Well, to give myself margin, I start trying to cut out stuff. But, where do I start – with prayer, accountability, and bible study. WHAT? What am I thinking? How self-centered is THAT? “God, I’m getting a little busy. I realize my whole purpose in creation is to worship and praise you, but I need a break to catch up on my sleep, my photography, grading papers, cleaning house. So, I’m going to skip prayer meeting tonight. Or, I’m going to stay home from my accountability meeting. That is SO backward. So, this part slapped me across the face one way and then back across the other. BTW – I read this Sunday, when I was contemplating skipping prayer Monday night so that I could process some senior pictures that I desperately wanted to deliver to a mom and student tomorrow for the last day of school so that word could spread (since I can’t openly advertise at school). But, I was at prayer. And, God thought it was such a good lesson for me that the whopper storm came through right as we finished so we couldn't leave. Then, it was 7:00 and my family hadn't had supper. So, we went out to eat and got home at 8:30. I sat down to process pictures and felt the call to email my study group and then work on my blog.
Have you done this? Have you made peace in your life by pulling back from God to make life easier on you instead of being all about God?I have to confess that I need to forgive those around me who have let me down by placing themselves before God. It's not my right to judge. It's my right to help teach, but I also realize that I have a big ol' speck in my eye that I have to get out before I can point out the speck in my brother's eye (Matt. 7: 3-5), because I have to get my priorities straight every morning.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Swine Flu & God
Okay, the title might be a little deceiving. If you haven't heard about this one, well, you're hiding under a rock. Or, maybe you just don't watch TV, and congratulations on that. I just found out about it two days ago because of talk at school.
This morning I was having my time with God when Jenna started coughing. The first couple, I shrugged off, "allergies," I thought in my mind. When it kept on going for a while, I have to admit, I got up to take her temperature. I even got a little nervous when it read 99.7. But, the consecutive tries gave me a closer to normal reading.
It made me think, everyone is on heightened alert right now. As a teacher, I am instructed to send any students who seem ill to the nurses office (I usually tell them they'll live if they complain of being ill- in a very compassionate way, of course!). We're watching everyone, prepared for anything.
What if....
What if I lived my life for my Holy God that way? What if every detail, every nuance of life I was on heightened alert; I was watching with scrutiny for Him working around me? Would I "get it" more than I do? Of course! Man, my walk with God would be ROCKIN'! Think of all the little opportunities you miss (I miss) every day because I'm not focused on him like I should be! That just blew me away when it hit me this morning.
Prayer - I'm getting better at the 15 minutes. Know what I've discovered? Noise. Noise keeps me from praying. Simple things like turning off the radio on my drive to school (the whole 2.1 miles that takes 8 minutes :) ), turning off the radio as I shower and get reading in the morning, just taking time to sit in solitude instead of noise, really help my prayer life? I challenge you to find at least 10 minutes in your day to turn off some noise and spend time in prayer. I like it, and I didn't think I would.
This morning I was having my time with God when Jenna started coughing. The first couple, I shrugged off, "allergies," I thought in my mind. When it kept on going for a while, I have to admit, I got up to take her temperature. I even got a little nervous when it read 99.7. But, the consecutive tries gave me a closer to normal reading.
It made me think, everyone is on heightened alert right now. As a teacher, I am instructed to send any students who seem ill to the nurses office (I usually tell them they'll live if they complain of being ill- in a very compassionate way, of course!). We're watching everyone, prepared for anything.
What if....
What if I lived my life for my Holy God that way? What if every detail, every nuance of life I was on heightened alert; I was watching with scrutiny for Him working around me? Would I "get it" more than I do? Of course! Man, my walk with God would be ROCKIN'! Think of all the little opportunities you miss (I miss) every day because I'm not focused on him like I should be! That just blew me away when it hit me this morning.
Prayer - I'm getting better at the 15 minutes. Know what I've discovered? Noise. Noise keeps me from praying. Simple things like turning off the radio on my drive to school (the whole 2.1 miles that takes 8 minutes :) ), turning off the radio as I shower and get reading in the morning, just taking time to sit in solitude instead of noise, really help my prayer life? I challenge you to find at least 10 minutes in your day to turn off some noise and spend time in prayer. I like it, and I didn't think I would.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
What's Your Passion?
A friend of mine was reading Dangerous Surrender by Kay Warren a while back. In a book buying blitz of wanting some good, Christian literature, I purchased it along with 3 other books. I'm not much of a reader. I know, that sounds really weird as an English teacher. I just get so bogged down with reading essays, AP prompts, and the stuff we're reading in class, that I don't sit down and read. So, when Jeremy committed to his 3 Rs for the year - reading, resting, and running - I kind of attached myself to the same plan. I did open the Dangerous Surrender book and read the first chapter or so. It kept focusing on her passion and what she allowed God to do with it. I got a little frustrated. It's like when I tried to read Andy Stanley's book Visioneering. His first chapter dealt with using your passion. I got frustrated because I couldn't find my passion. I mean, I'm passionate about a lot of things - my family, marriages, teaching, photography, running, so where do you start? What was really my passion?
I figured God had stepped in and intervened with NILMDTS. I applied, I researched, I prepared...and I've been waiting. Since March 2. Still waiting. There are a few things that could have caused a hang up, I figured. I'll spare you my analytical thoughts on the matter (they would only confuse you and might scare a little that I really do analyze things that much), but I've decided to do a couple of things and reapply. In the meantime, God opened a door in Stephenville without my even being a member of NILMDTS through my friend Amy and my friend Jennifer's mom. I feel like I was obedient, and I feel a huge sense of peace.
So, thank you, I found it, and I was done. Easy. I wait for others to call me. Perfect! Except, I knew I wasn't.
You see, I've had this stirring for church planter's wives. I can't really pinpoint when it started. Jeremy coaches, and I've been to the coaching orientation to help "coach" wives. But, no one really knows what that means. Including me. I know that my heart just wants to burst with excitement and aches for those women - it is such an exhilarating, exhausting, faith-building, scary, frustrating, amazing, lonely, happy, busy thing. I just don't have enough adjectives (and I know a LOT of adjectives, and I'm really good with a thesaurus).
I've always worked really, really hard to be NORMAL. I'm just a teacher. Just a mom. Not really a girly girl. Don't go around talking about church and God excessively, actually, I try to avoid those conversations altogether. I happen to be the pastor's wife. I like to hide out in the background. God's really worked in me in the last year. I've come to realize (or maybe just finally accept) that I am not "just like everyone else." For instance, I've realized through many random encounters in Kroger, Wal-Mart, the Y, that people know who I am. I've come out of my wallflower status to meet and greet people between services (heck, last week I was eagerly inviting women to come to the retreat - that's not me.) I've come to embrace that as part of my role. Not just accept, but embrace.
I've been recognizing this passion for church planting wives through different experiences God has placed in my path. I want to help them, coach them, rejoice with the faith-building events that happen, listen to the ranting when they've just had enough and want to quit, be amazed with wide eyes and audible gasps when God really steps in and blows them away, cry through the pain of frustration (because there is frustration), and just BE there. To help them grow from the role of "what has to get done to survive" to the role of "passion and helpmate" for their husband.
So, there's a new passion. God has shown me the need, and I have this voice inside telling me the need is growing. As if I needed confirmation, because we all know that I do, and God seems to laugh as if to say, "he he (in a very deep voice), this will mess with her" when he gives it to me, he gave me a couple. A dear friend shared a stirring she has for planter's wives. I was able to share my passion for the same and even for those women who find themselves married to a pastor when they never saw that coming. Then, I get home, and I had a friend request on FB. A woman who is a runner, photographer, and church planter wife contacted me - I mean, she could almost be me if you read her profile and her blog! :) I feel so normal again! You see, I think all women, pastor wife or not, are yearning to make connections - to find other women like them, with similar interests, that will spur them on in the faith and in life. To an extent I feel a burden to help that happen, but add to life that unique element of church planter wife, and, I get all excited inside.
So, I have the "who" and "what," most of the "why," no clue on the "how, when, or where."
But, I know that Jeremy and Joey have always had a vision to use StoneWater as a basis for church planting. Maybe, just maybe, God has had this little plan all along - I mean, He is the omniscient, omnipotent Father. He's got a plan here, and I pray that I will leave my heart and mind open that He will use me as He wills.
Speaking of prayer - it's one tough discipline. I feel like I'm losing, and I don't like to lose. I'm not giving up, though.
I figured God had stepped in and intervened with NILMDTS. I applied, I researched, I prepared...and I've been waiting. Since March 2. Still waiting. There are a few things that could have caused a hang up, I figured. I'll spare you my analytical thoughts on the matter (they would only confuse you and might scare a little that I really do analyze things that much), but I've decided to do a couple of things and reapply. In the meantime, God opened a door in Stephenville without my even being a member of NILMDTS through my friend Amy and my friend Jennifer's mom. I feel like I was obedient, and I feel a huge sense of peace.
So, thank you, I found it, and I was done. Easy. I wait for others to call me. Perfect! Except, I knew I wasn't.
You see, I've had this stirring for church planter's wives. I can't really pinpoint when it started. Jeremy coaches, and I've been to the coaching orientation to help "coach" wives. But, no one really knows what that means. Including me. I know that my heart just wants to burst with excitement and aches for those women - it is such an exhilarating, exhausting, faith-building, scary, frustrating, amazing, lonely, happy, busy thing. I just don't have enough adjectives (and I know a LOT of adjectives, and I'm really good with a thesaurus).
I've always worked really, really hard to be NORMAL. I'm just a teacher. Just a mom. Not really a girly girl. Don't go around talking about church and God excessively, actually, I try to avoid those conversations altogether. I happen to be the pastor's wife. I like to hide out in the background. God's really worked in me in the last year. I've come to realize (or maybe just finally accept) that I am not "just like everyone else." For instance, I've realized through many random encounters in Kroger, Wal-Mart, the Y, that people know who I am. I've come out of my wallflower status to meet and greet people between services (heck, last week I was eagerly inviting women to come to the retreat - that's not me.) I've come to embrace that as part of my role. Not just accept, but embrace.
I've been recognizing this passion for church planting wives through different experiences God has placed in my path. I want to help them, coach them, rejoice with the faith-building events that happen, listen to the ranting when they've just had enough and want to quit, be amazed with wide eyes and audible gasps when God really steps in and blows them away, cry through the pain of frustration (because there is frustration), and just BE there. To help them grow from the role of "what has to get done to survive" to the role of "passion and helpmate" for their husband.
So, there's a new passion. God has shown me the need, and I have this voice inside telling me the need is growing. As if I needed confirmation, because we all know that I do, and God seems to laugh as if to say, "he he (in a very deep voice), this will mess with her" when he gives it to me, he gave me a couple. A dear friend shared a stirring she has for planter's wives. I was able to share my passion for the same and even for those women who find themselves married to a pastor when they never saw that coming. Then, I get home, and I had a friend request on FB. A woman who is a runner, photographer, and church planter wife contacted me - I mean, she could almost be me if you read her profile and her blog! :) I feel so normal again! You see, I think all women, pastor wife or not, are yearning to make connections - to find other women like them, with similar interests, that will spur them on in the faith and in life. To an extent I feel a burden to help that happen, but add to life that unique element of church planter wife, and, I get all excited inside.
So, I have the "who" and "what," most of the "why," no clue on the "how, when, or where."
But, I know that Jeremy and Joey have always had a vision to use StoneWater as a basis for church planting. Maybe, just maybe, God has had this little plan all along - I mean, He is the omniscient, omnipotent Father. He's got a plan here, and I pray that I will leave my heart and mind open that He will use me as He wills.
Speaking of prayer - it's one tough discipline. I feel like I'm losing, and I don't like to lose. I'm not giving up, though.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Have I mentioned the repetition in my life?
I think I've let on that a few times lately God has used repetition in my life?
Sometime about a year ago, I somehow ended up on this blog: http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/. I think it was from Jen's blog. Anyway, I remember crying my eyes out at the story. I remember seeing the amazing gift of pictures that a photographer had come to the hospital to create for the family while sweet Audrey was with them.
Then, I found myself drawn to newborn and maternity photography over and over. Since my camera was a blessed gift, I've always felt a calling to use it as a ministry. I've tried to think senior pictures for low income. I've been led to a pregnancy crisis center for moms who choose life. The last few months, every newborn site I've come to has had the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep emblem on it.
About two months ago, a friend invited me to join a seminar. The woman leading the seminar had previously done one titled Bellies to Babies, and there was a DVD of the seminar. Jer agreed to let me buy it (it wasn't cheap). The lady's web site had NILMDTS all over it. I explored the site. I felt drawn to it.
A friend of mine shared about her role in this ministry. I explored it more. I went so far as to print and read the manual from cover to cover (and bawl my eyes out). I've been trying to talk myself out of applying for lack of experience, lack of equipment, any reason.
Tonight, my phone beeped the "text message" beep. A friend sent this text:
"R u watching extreme hm makeover? The photographer does babies who won't live or be taken hm from the hospital. Made me think of u and ur dreams." This friend doesn't know I'm thinking of joining NILMDTS...I don't think (correct me if you do). So, I turned it on. I just started crying.
I'm a slow, deliberate decision maker. Mainly because when I don't go slow, I end up with odd things that were really cheap that I don't need and then I feel guilty. I was going to take it good and slow...like, as slow as I could justify.
Tonight, I followed in obedience. I completed the NILMDTS application. It did ask for a PPA membership number (Professional Photographers of America, which I haven't done because I'm not a professional), liability insurance, and Sales Tax number. I've printed the PPA membership form, and I guess tomorrow I'll look into becoming a real business. I really feel, no, I know, I need to do all the "hoop jumping" to do this.
Can I say that the last two months have truly been an out of body experience for me? I mean, I like to think I've always followed God, but seeing Him move in the last two months has been indescribable.
Sometime about a year ago, I somehow ended up on this blog: http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/. I think it was from Jen's blog. Anyway, I remember crying my eyes out at the story. I remember seeing the amazing gift of pictures that a photographer had come to the hospital to create for the family while sweet Audrey was with them.
Then, I found myself drawn to newborn and maternity photography over and over. Since my camera was a blessed gift, I've always felt a calling to use it as a ministry. I've tried to think senior pictures for low income. I've been led to a pregnancy crisis center for moms who choose life. The last few months, every newborn site I've come to has had the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep emblem on it.
About two months ago, a friend invited me to join a seminar. The woman leading the seminar had previously done one titled Bellies to Babies, and there was a DVD of the seminar. Jer agreed to let me buy it (it wasn't cheap). The lady's web site had NILMDTS all over it. I explored the site. I felt drawn to it.
A friend of mine shared about her role in this ministry. I explored it more. I went so far as to print and read the manual from cover to cover (and bawl my eyes out). I've been trying to talk myself out of applying for lack of experience, lack of equipment, any reason.
Tonight, my phone beeped the "text message" beep. A friend sent this text:
"R u watching extreme hm makeover? The photographer does babies who won't live or be taken hm from the hospital. Made me think of u and ur dreams." This friend doesn't know I'm thinking of joining NILMDTS...I don't think (correct me if you do). So, I turned it on. I just started crying.
I'm a slow, deliberate decision maker. Mainly because when I don't go slow, I end up with odd things that were really cheap that I don't need and then I feel guilty. I was going to take it good and slow...like, as slow as I could justify.
Tonight, I followed in obedience. I completed the NILMDTS application. It did ask for a PPA membership number (Professional Photographers of America, which I haven't done because I'm not a professional), liability insurance, and Sales Tax number. I've printed the PPA membership form, and I guess tomorrow I'll look into becoming a real business. I really feel, no, I know, I need to do all the "hoop jumping" to do this.
Can I say that the last two months have truly been an out of body experience for me? I mean, I like to think I've always followed God, but seeing Him move in the last two months has been indescribable.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Wow
Okay - last time I posted here, I was in a bit of a dry spell. Since then, I've honestly had so much that I really don't know where to begin!
Last week I had the opportunity to go to the Creative Church Conference - C3. This is really designed for pastors and church leadership, but a couple of friends were going, and I got a great discount as a pastor's wife, so I went. W-O-W. The encouragement of the pastors who spoke was amazing. I think as a pastor's wife, I tend to try to run. Not from the ministry, not from the church, not from Jeremy. It's just the title. I mean, a lot of people think I'm extra, super spiritual because I'm the "pastor's wife." I get a lot of questions about where things are in the Bible and what Bible verses mean. I usually look like a deer caught in the headlights (which, I've never seen, actually) and try to find a way to answer gracefully and vaguely. I've learned and know a lot about the Bible when I sit and think about it, but those questions just make me want to pee my pants. Now, let me refocus...
Bil Cornelius of Bay Area Fellowship in Corpus Christi spoke on prayer. His focus was Haggai 2:1-9. He has felt the need to pray, has accepted the challenge, and shared with his church. He shared that he first made a 100 hour committment. (I hope I haven't butchered this too much. Bil or Jessica, if you stumble on it and I have, please tell me!) After the first hour he found himself getting to world peace, ending world hunger, you know, the places we all go after a while. He said he cried out, "I'm done. What more is there? What do you want? I don't have anything else." He sensed God saying, "finally! I thought you'd never shut up." Prayer is about listening to God, too.
Prayer has been on my heart a lot lately. It appeared in a study a couple of weeks ago, and I felt convicted that I don't pray enough. I didn't stop and take action. Admittedly, I'm one of those pray-ers that falls asleep at night praying. Honestly, and we're talking frank here, like, I feel sick admitting this - I've had the thought when I couldn't sleep at night that I might as well pray because then I know I'll fall asleep. Gee, I want to puke just admitting that.
So, I returned, and what was the focus of my Discipleship Essentials study this week - prayer. This whole repetition thing that God keeps giving me is getting a little weird. Let's call it the Holy Spirit moving and convicting me :). Flat out - I do not pray like I should. I do the puny prayers - for my family, some requests that I remember - but no the all out conversation with God that I should since I am His child. And, I'm taking action this time.
I've been so frustrated with Hudson lately. He won't make requests of me. He states the obvious, "Mom, I'm thirsty." When I prod him to make it a question, I get mumbling and passive-aggressiveness. I've been at my wit's end. I just want him to talk to me. To tell me more than his needs. I want to serve him and have him let me tell him how much I love him. Today as I held him in his bed after we had a looooong stand off with much screaming (all on his part, I'm glad to say I stayed calm and kind through the whole ordeal), it hit me that God feels the same way. He wants to talk to me - with me.
Discipleship Essentials gave the acronym ACTS for prayer (I believe my pastor has, too). Adore - adore God for who He is apart from what He has done. God, you are my Savior, my Provider, you are Almighty. Confess - confess my sins. God, I am harboring ill feelings and anger toward a sister in Christ. Thanksgiving - give God thanks for what He has done, be specific. God, thank you that my children are well. Thank you for giving me confidence in You and a boldness that I have not felt in my life to this point. Supplication - ask God to meet specific needs in your life. God, I pray that you give me rest tonight. I pray that I would glorify you as I serve my husband and children and as I teach tomorrow morning.
I think this is where I also admit that I haven't used running for time with God like I used to. I used to have some rocking times with God as I prayed - including praise and adoration - and ran with God. I've allowed my desires for some fun music and mindlessness to creep in. Maybe that's part of my losing passion for running. Can I tell you I'm looking forward to my next run to do some ACTS? Maybe that 13.1 miles that's staring me in the face on Saturday will give me some good time with my Savior! (beyond, God, just help me finish!)
I'm starting a journey. I will spend 30 minutes a day in prayer. This won't be in my bed - it may be running, it may be in my car, but it will be with concentrated effort on my Lord and using the pattern of ACTS so that it's about more than just me. Feel free to hold me accountable. I'm using the timer on my watch to keep me honest.
Last week I had the opportunity to go to the Creative Church Conference - C3. This is really designed for pastors and church leadership, but a couple of friends were going, and I got a great discount as a pastor's wife, so I went. W-O-W. The encouragement of the pastors who spoke was amazing. I think as a pastor's wife, I tend to try to run. Not from the ministry, not from the church, not from Jeremy. It's just the title. I mean, a lot of people think I'm extra, super spiritual because I'm the "pastor's wife." I get a lot of questions about where things are in the Bible and what Bible verses mean. I usually look like a deer caught in the headlights (which, I've never seen, actually) and try to find a way to answer gracefully and vaguely. I've learned and know a lot about the Bible when I sit and think about it, but those questions just make me want to pee my pants. Now, let me refocus...
Bil Cornelius of Bay Area Fellowship in Corpus Christi spoke on prayer. His focus was Haggai 2:1-9. He has felt the need to pray, has accepted the challenge, and shared with his church. He shared that he first made a 100 hour committment. (I hope I haven't butchered this too much. Bil or Jessica, if you stumble on it and I have, please tell me!) After the first hour he found himself getting to world peace, ending world hunger, you know, the places we all go after a while. He said he cried out, "I'm done. What more is there? What do you want? I don't have anything else." He sensed God saying, "finally! I thought you'd never shut up." Prayer is about listening to God, too.
Prayer has been on my heart a lot lately. It appeared in a study a couple of weeks ago, and I felt convicted that I don't pray enough. I didn't stop and take action. Admittedly, I'm one of those pray-ers that falls asleep at night praying. Honestly, and we're talking frank here, like, I feel sick admitting this - I've had the thought when I couldn't sleep at night that I might as well pray because then I know I'll fall asleep. Gee, I want to puke just admitting that.
So, I returned, and what was the focus of my Discipleship Essentials study this week - prayer. This whole repetition thing that God keeps giving me is getting a little weird. Let's call it the Holy Spirit moving and convicting me :). Flat out - I do not pray like I should. I do the puny prayers - for my family, some requests that I remember - but no the all out conversation with God that I should since I am His child. And, I'm taking action this time.
I've been so frustrated with Hudson lately. He won't make requests of me. He states the obvious, "Mom, I'm thirsty." When I prod him to make it a question, I get mumbling and passive-aggressiveness. I've been at my wit's end. I just want him to talk to me. To tell me more than his needs. I want to serve him and have him let me tell him how much I love him. Today as I held him in his bed after we had a looooong stand off with much screaming (all on his part, I'm glad to say I stayed calm and kind through the whole ordeal), it hit me that God feels the same way. He wants to talk to me - with me.
Discipleship Essentials gave the acronym ACTS for prayer (I believe my pastor has, too). Adore - adore God for who He is apart from what He has done. God, you are my Savior, my Provider, you are Almighty. Confess - confess my sins. God, I am harboring ill feelings and anger toward a sister in Christ. Thanksgiving - give God thanks for what He has done, be specific. God, thank you that my children are well. Thank you for giving me confidence in You and a boldness that I have not felt in my life to this point. Supplication - ask God to meet specific needs in your life. God, I pray that you give me rest tonight. I pray that I would glorify you as I serve my husband and children and as I teach tomorrow morning.
I think this is where I also admit that I haven't used running for time with God like I used to. I used to have some rocking times with God as I prayed - including praise and adoration - and ran with God. I've allowed my desires for some fun music and mindlessness to creep in. Maybe that's part of my losing passion for running. Can I tell you I'm looking forward to my next run to do some ACTS? Maybe that 13.1 miles that's staring me in the face on Saturday will give me some good time with my Savior! (beyond, God, just help me finish!)
I'm starting a journey. I will spend 30 minutes a day in prayer. This won't be in my bed - it may be running, it may be in my car, but it will be with concentrated effort on my Lord and using the pattern of ACTS so that it's about more than just me. Feel free to hold me accountable. I'm using the timer on my watch to keep me honest.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Possessions
This week, already, has been a little emotional. I'm almost embarrassed to admit it, but it's over an inanimate object that has 4 wheels. On Sunday I welcomed my new-to-me car into my life. It's the same one that I blogged about earlier this month (see the two posts below this one. Start with the bottom, then move up if you need to catch up). I am excited, but not as excited as I feel like I maybe should be. I mean, holy cow, I have an awesome car! I'll admit, it feels a bit "more mature" than I am, kinda like I should be driving around with a hand over my mouth to hide my giggle. That's good emotion, right? Well, there's a dark side - you see, yesterday I said goodbye to the Protege. An eleven and a half year relationship - over.
Silly, right? Yes, I cried as I drove it the final time to it's new home. Yes, there are some things I miss.
I was overcome with these emotions last night when I sat down to finish my study from Discipleship Essentials for our life group tonight. The focal passage is Luke 9:23-24 and included a reading passage, really an expository, on the passage. In the reading, Johnson focused on dissecting the phrases 'deny yourself,' 'take up your cross,' and 'lose your life for my sake.'
I am always so scared of those exact phrases in that passage. Deny myself? Does that mean of everything I enjoy, everything I love, deny myself happiness? Johnson does a great job of explaining that it's not giving up happiness; it's giving up "self-lordship." He goes on to explain 'take up your cross' as a process of giving all of our hopes and dreams for His.
As I finished reading, it hit me how parallel the situation really was. I'm crying over a car - one that's comfortable, I know inside and out, and is mine when the one I'm getting is SO MUCH BETTER. I mean, I'm moving into a sunroof, dual DVD players with headphones in the back for the kids, heated leather seats, smooth driving machine! That's my life in Christ - I'm so happy to continue to spend my time the way I want because it's what I've always done. This amount of time for email, laundry, dishes, cleaning, grade papers... What if I don't get something done because I stop to do my Bible study?! Gasp! Seriously, when I 'deny myself' and 'take up my cross,' what I'm going to have is SO MUCH BETTER!
So, why can't I remember that?
Silly, right? Yes, I cried as I drove it the final time to it's new home. Yes, there are some things I miss.
I was overcome with these emotions last night when I sat down to finish my study from Discipleship Essentials for our life group tonight. The focal passage is Luke 9:23-24 and included a reading passage, really an expository, on the passage. In the reading, Johnson focused on dissecting the phrases 'deny yourself,' 'take up your cross,' and 'lose your life for my sake.'
I am always so scared of those exact phrases in that passage. Deny myself? Does that mean of everything I enjoy, everything I love, deny myself happiness? Johnson does a great job of explaining that it's not giving up happiness; it's giving up "self-lordship." He goes on to explain 'take up your cross' as a process of giving all of our hopes and dreams for His.
As I finished reading, it hit me how parallel the situation really was. I'm crying over a car - one that's comfortable, I know inside and out, and is mine when the one I'm getting is SO MUCH BETTER. I mean, I'm moving into a sunroof, dual DVD players with headphones in the back for the kids, heated leather seats, smooth driving machine! That's my life in Christ - I'm so happy to continue to spend my time the way I want because it's what I've always done. This amount of time for email, laundry, dishes, cleaning, grade papers... What if I don't get something done because I stop to do my Bible study?! Gasp! Seriously, when I 'deny myself' and 'take up my cross,' what I'm going to have is SO MUCH BETTER!
So, why can't I remember that?
Humility & Greed - re-post
God really knows how to do a number on me. I don't like to think of myself as greedy; let me explain & justify myself at the outset. I don't have to have designer handbags (or anything designer, actually). I don't have to drive a fancy car. I don't have to have a lot of things that I think of greedy people having (housekeepers, lawn boys, pools, the biggest or nicest house, so forth - and if you have these, don't think that I think you're greedy; unless you have ALL of those things, then you might be on my list - HA). I do, however, enjoy having money to spend at my leisure. For instance, Sonic if I want it (and I'm trying to quit for both health and finance), a new camera/photography gadget that's not in the budget (and they never are, and they're never cheap, either), a random shirt, some new Bath & Body, you get the idea. I know that greed is really deeper than how much an item costs, though.
For instance, as a child I remember a rough time for my parents and seeing dad put $50 in the offering plate. I remember asking him why he did that when we needed that money. He taught me an important lesson that day, you always give to God first because it's the right thing to do. I remember our first few months of marriage when Jeremy and I began to tithe. We made $1250 a month. I remember thinking, are you kidding me? But we did. It's been a discipline we've followed our whole marriage. Last month Jeremy asked me to start thinking about how much to contribute to the building campaign that's coming up at StoneWater. I named a figure (a very conservative figure) and he named a figure (a very liberal figure). I remember being ticked off that he would even think of that per month for 3 years. It simply was not possible. I mean, we know some great givers, amazing givers, and I am always in awe that God has blessed them to give the way they do; I can't conceive of it. But, I guess I've never thought of the sacrifice they are giving, and how my sacrifice can and should correlate to theirs.
Okay, so one of the things on our list for the last two years has been to purchase a newer car. I LOVE my car - a 1997 Mazda Protege that has 153, 279 miles on it as we speak. Dad & Mom bought it for me as a graduation/wedding present, and I know it was a sacrifice/huge gift on their part. I love that car. Yes, it has it's quirks/loud noises/issues, but it runs well, and I'm emotionally attached. But, this year is the year we've said we will buy a car. We'll pay cash. We've been saving. We have no idea what we want. I've had a feeling for a month that it will be soon despite our real plans for mid to late in the year. I've listened to the ads on the radio for that "great deal," but I haven't felt the need to test drive and really don't know what I want. Okay - here's what I want - good gas mileage, safe, affordable, last a long time (like another 10 years, 150,000 miles). Otherwise, I'm good - standard or automatic, power all or power nothing, some neutral color, but, whatever.Here's where I start crying, again. Jeremy shared our car plan with a friend of ours. Friend of ours today says they have an extra car they need to sale - at a good price. So, tonight we went to check it out. First, I'm always blown away at the way people take care of us. I don't know why I ever ask questions of God, but sometimes I do, then something like this comes along, and He sets me back in my place. This is a terrific car at a terrific price. As a matter of fact, this car will allow us to give closer to or at Jeremy's figure for the building campaign. I couldn't help but almost weep when I drove it tonight - a gift from my Father, yet again. When I get wrapped up in what I am able do and what I will have to give up for His kingdom, God steps in, slaps my hand a little, and blesses me in the process. Talk about humility.
We're still praying about it, but good grief is He giving me a lesson right in the middle of it all!
For instance, as a child I remember a rough time for my parents and seeing dad put $50 in the offering plate. I remember asking him why he did that when we needed that money. He taught me an important lesson that day, you always give to God first because it's the right thing to do. I remember our first few months of marriage when Jeremy and I began to tithe. We made $1250 a month. I remember thinking, are you kidding me? But we did. It's been a discipline we've followed our whole marriage. Last month Jeremy asked me to start thinking about how much to contribute to the building campaign that's coming up at StoneWater. I named a figure (a very conservative figure) and he named a figure (a very liberal figure). I remember being ticked off that he would even think of that per month for 3 years. It simply was not possible. I mean, we know some great givers, amazing givers, and I am always in awe that God has blessed them to give the way they do; I can't conceive of it. But, I guess I've never thought of the sacrifice they are giving, and how my sacrifice can and should correlate to theirs.
Okay, so one of the things on our list for the last two years has been to purchase a newer car. I LOVE my car - a 1997 Mazda Protege that has 153, 279 miles on it as we speak. Dad & Mom bought it for me as a graduation/wedding present, and I know it was a sacrifice/huge gift on their part. I love that car. Yes, it has it's quirks/loud noises/issues, but it runs well, and I'm emotionally attached. But, this year is the year we've said we will buy a car. We'll pay cash. We've been saving. We have no idea what we want. I've had a feeling for a month that it will be soon despite our real plans for mid to late in the year. I've listened to the ads on the radio for that "great deal," but I haven't felt the need to test drive and really don't know what I want. Okay - here's what I want - good gas mileage, safe, affordable, last a long time (like another 10 years, 150,000 miles). Otherwise, I'm good - standard or automatic, power all or power nothing, some neutral color, but, whatever.Here's where I start crying, again. Jeremy shared our car plan with a friend of ours. Friend of ours today says they have an extra car they need to sale - at a good price. So, tonight we went to check it out. First, I'm always blown away at the way people take care of us. I don't know why I ever ask questions of God, but sometimes I do, then something like this comes along, and He sets me back in my place. This is a terrific car at a terrific price. As a matter of fact, this car will allow us to give closer to or at Jeremy's figure for the building campaign. I couldn't help but almost weep when I drove it tonight - a gift from my Father, yet again. When I get wrapped up in what I am able do and what I will have to give up for His kingdom, God steps in, slaps my hand a little, and blesses me in the process. Talk about humility.
We're still praying about it, but good grief is He giving me a lesson right in the middle of it all!
Humility Brings You Closer to God - re-post
Jeremy and I have decided to purchase the car. I find it no coincidence that what was asked for the car was almost exactly what what we had in savings and excess checking. Of course, our savings is a money market, so the funds aren't readily available. It will take probably until the end of the month for the funds to be available, and I figure this is another one of God's plans to teach me something, like, maybe, patience? He knows I need a good dose of that!
I do have to rejoice and share a moment of what I feel is successful parenting in the middle of this story. On our way to look at the car last week, we were talking to the kids about what we were doing. "We're going to go and look at a car to buy." Hudson's immediate response was, "Dad, we don't need a new car. This one is perfectly fine, and, besides, cars cost a lot of money. We should save our money." At this point I felt my heart swell, and I thought to myself, 'We've taught him so well.' Jenna quickly responded, "Wait a minute, Hudson. This new car might have an air conditioner that works!" HA! If you're not familiar, the Protege's air conditioner is somewhat unstable - okay, it hasn't really worked the last two summers. There is a freon leak, so it doesn't cool well unless we've just had a charge of freon, and that weekend it had been in the 80s with no recent freon charge.
Can I tell you that cars really don't matter to me? Really. Lexus - don't care. BMW - whatever. I want safe, economic, and durable. I didn't even know what a Toyota Avalon was when Jeremy asked me if I would drive one (I'm pretty adamant about something small and highly maneuverable - I can parallel park the Protege ANYwhere). I know the Corolla and Camry. Well, when I saw the car with its leather seats, DVD players in back for the kids, and sunroof, I got uncomfortable. I shouldn't be driving a car like this. Too nice. I guess as a "pastor's wife," I feel like people are watching to see how I spend my money. Too nice a car might make us start looking like some of those TV evangelists that live too large. You're right; I'll never please everyone, but those are the thoughts I have.
I did love the way it drove - smooth, quiet, turns quite sharply. Though I don't think I'll be parallel parking for a while! We took the car on Sunday, and I think by Wednesday I let myself get excited about it. I spent the first two days worried - what will others think? should we really spend the money, I mean, my car is still running? too nice? On Thursday I even took the liberty of driving with the sunroof open and started using the radio and AC controls on the steering wheel. I LOVE it. We returned the car Thursday night. Once we have the check in hand, we'll go and make the exchange. They offered to let us go ahead and take it, but that didn't feel right.
So, in the last week, God's messed with me a little. The car is such a gift from Him. He watches out for us all the time (not just material things - though He's blessed us with an amazing grill, an amazing camera - friendships - my job share - my children - their health - on and on). Gifts from Him are all around me, everywhere I look. This most recent blessing has really done a number on me. I've been very open that I've been searching for what God wants me to do. I've been open that I haven't really surrendered it ALL. God has put me in such a place of humility and praise, that, can I tell you, I will do w-h-a-t-e-v-e-r He calls me to do. Full, total surrender.
I think the change has made my husband more attracted to me. We've talked more about giving to the church building, and I'm not even flinching at anything. We've talked more about what God might be calling me to do in a ministry sense, and I'm not flinching at anything. It's also VERY weird because I'm not even flinching on the inside. I just want to give back to God. I want to show Him how very, very grateful I am. How very much I see Him as the Lord of my life. It feels really good.
I challenge you - look to see where God is blessing you in your life. How can you show God that you are grateful? What can you do for Him?
I do have to rejoice and share a moment of what I feel is successful parenting in the middle of this story. On our way to look at the car last week, we were talking to the kids about what we were doing. "We're going to go and look at a car to buy." Hudson's immediate response was, "Dad, we don't need a new car. This one is perfectly fine, and, besides, cars cost a lot of money. We should save our money." At this point I felt my heart swell, and I thought to myself, 'We've taught him so well.' Jenna quickly responded, "Wait a minute, Hudson. This new car might have an air conditioner that works!" HA! If you're not familiar, the Protege's air conditioner is somewhat unstable - okay, it hasn't really worked the last two summers. There is a freon leak, so it doesn't cool well unless we've just had a charge of freon, and that weekend it had been in the 80s with no recent freon charge.
Can I tell you that cars really don't matter to me? Really. Lexus - don't care. BMW - whatever. I want safe, economic, and durable. I didn't even know what a Toyota Avalon was when Jeremy asked me if I would drive one (I'm pretty adamant about something small and highly maneuverable - I can parallel park the Protege ANYwhere). I know the Corolla and Camry. Well, when I saw the car with its leather seats, DVD players in back for the kids, and sunroof, I got uncomfortable. I shouldn't be driving a car like this. Too nice. I guess as a "pastor's wife," I feel like people are watching to see how I spend my money. Too nice a car might make us start looking like some of those TV evangelists that live too large. You're right; I'll never please everyone, but those are the thoughts I have.
I did love the way it drove - smooth, quiet, turns quite sharply. Though I don't think I'll be parallel parking for a while! We took the car on Sunday, and I think by Wednesday I let myself get excited about it. I spent the first two days worried - what will others think? should we really spend the money, I mean, my car is still running? too nice? On Thursday I even took the liberty of driving with the sunroof open and started using the radio and AC controls on the steering wheel. I LOVE it. We returned the car Thursday night. Once we have the check in hand, we'll go and make the exchange. They offered to let us go ahead and take it, but that didn't feel right.
So, in the last week, God's messed with me a little. The car is such a gift from Him. He watches out for us all the time (not just material things - though He's blessed us with an amazing grill, an amazing camera - friendships - my job share - my children - their health - on and on). Gifts from Him are all around me, everywhere I look. This most recent blessing has really done a number on me. I've been very open that I've been searching for what God wants me to do. I've been open that I haven't really surrendered it ALL. God has put me in such a place of humility and praise, that, can I tell you, I will do w-h-a-t-e-v-e-r He calls me to do. Full, total surrender.
I think the change has made my husband more attracted to me. We've talked more about giving to the church building, and I'm not even flinching at anything. We've talked more about what God might be calling me to do in a ministry sense, and I'm not flinching at anything. It's also VERY weird because I'm not even flinching on the inside. I just want to give back to God. I want to show Him how very, very grateful I am. How very much I see Him as the Lord of my life. It feels really good.
I challenge you - look to see where God is blessing you in your life. How can you show God that you are grateful? What can you do for Him?
Friday, January 30, 2009
Not Perfect
One of the things I struggle with is the pressure to be perfect. I like to think I've overcome a lot of perfectionism in the last few years (somehow two kids, working full time, and having a husband who has a bit on his plate, too makes that happen - it was loosen up or go insane). I say all that to say, I also struggle with the need to be ultra spiritual all the time. You know, that as the "pastor's wife" I have to have a Bible verse for every situation, know everyone's name at every event, and have amazing quiet times with tons of spiritual lessons to share. Sometimes I do, other times, well...
Two weeks ago the "fun" started. Jeremy left early Tuesday for a church planting conference, returned Thursday evening, I took off Friday morning for a scrapbook retreat, and I returned Sunday afternoon. Let me add that the Sunday prior to leaving was a normal Sunday for us - crazy. Monday night we managed to fit in Life Group since Tuesday would be busy. Monday night Jenna started running a fever. I started a new semester on Tuesday, so I couldn't miss, but Jer had to leave.
I love stress - I perform best under pressure. I also hate stress - it makes me, well, stressed. Jeremy is one of my lifelines when I'm under pressure. So, mix stress & what was pretty much separation from Jeremy for 7 days = impending disaster. But, what really sealed the deal for my date with disaster was not spending time with God on those days. I'm sure your life is much like mine was last week - trips take you and your husband different directions, kids get ill, house work needs to get done, you know the "stuff" that creeps in. Where do you run? Facebook? TV? Food? or, the one place you should, God?
Anyway, it all fell to pieces Monday. Jeremy asked me if I had done my lesson for life group. I won't give all the details, but it went badly. Suffice it to say that I had not because I had chosen to do other "more" important (and really far less important) things with my time. I was dry.
I say all of that to confess that I'm not perfect. I need a nudge every now and then. Fortunately, I've been blessed with amazing accountability partners, a husband who is the spiritual leader of our home, and a God who forgives me and welcomes me back. Can I tell you how refreshing Wednesday was? I feel like God gave me the ice day. Just for me. I cuddled up in my favorite chair with my Bible, a book I've been reading that speaks straight to my heart (What Happens When Women Say Yes to God), and I spent time with Him. I felt so much better in every way. I really can't emphasize the difference it made.
Do you spend time with God on a regular basis? You'll feel better if you do - better in a way I can't describe.
Do you have an accountability partner or partners? I don't know why, but I've felt the need to stress the importance of having such for many months. Someone with whom you share your struggles, your real struggles. They listen, and then they offer help if asked for, then, the best part, next time we meet, they ask me about it. Or, they email or call to ask me about it. That's true accountability - following up with the person in an encouraging way. Everyone needs that.
In any case, I remember Greg Matte saying when he spoke at Breakaway, "My ministry is an overflow of my walk with God." I pray that I would be so embedded in Christ that I would have an overflow that allows me to share. This week, I don't have any overflow, and it makes me sad.
Two weeks ago the "fun" started. Jeremy left early Tuesday for a church planting conference, returned Thursday evening, I took off Friday morning for a scrapbook retreat, and I returned Sunday afternoon. Let me add that the Sunday prior to leaving was a normal Sunday for us - crazy. Monday night we managed to fit in Life Group since Tuesday would be busy. Monday night Jenna started running a fever. I started a new semester on Tuesday, so I couldn't miss, but Jer had to leave.
I love stress - I perform best under pressure. I also hate stress - it makes me, well, stressed. Jeremy is one of my lifelines when I'm under pressure. So, mix stress & what was pretty much separation from Jeremy for 7 days = impending disaster. But, what really sealed the deal for my date with disaster was not spending time with God on those days. I'm sure your life is much like mine was last week - trips take you and your husband different directions, kids get ill, house work needs to get done, you know the "stuff" that creeps in. Where do you run? Facebook? TV? Food? or, the one place you should, God?
Anyway, it all fell to pieces Monday. Jeremy asked me if I had done my lesson for life group. I won't give all the details, but it went badly. Suffice it to say that I had not because I had chosen to do other "more" important (and really far less important) things with my time. I was dry.
I say all of that to confess that I'm not perfect. I need a nudge every now and then. Fortunately, I've been blessed with amazing accountability partners, a husband who is the spiritual leader of our home, and a God who forgives me and welcomes me back. Can I tell you how refreshing Wednesday was? I feel like God gave me the ice day. Just for me. I cuddled up in my favorite chair with my Bible, a book I've been reading that speaks straight to my heart (What Happens When Women Say Yes to God), and I spent time with Him. I felt so much better in every way. I really can't emphasize the difference it made.
Do you spend time with God on a regular basis? You'll feel better if you do - better in a way I can't describe.
Do you have an accountability partner or partners? I don't know why, but I've felt the need to stress the importance of having such for many months. Someone with whom you share your struggles, your real struggles. They listen, and then they offer help if asked for, then, the best part, next time we meet, they ask me about it. Or, they email or call to ask me about it. That's true accountability - following up with the person in an encouraging way. Everyone needs that.
In any case, I remember Greg Matte saying when he spoke at Breakaway, "My ministry is an overflow of my walk with God." I pray that I would be so embedded in Christ that I would have an overflow that allows me to share. This week, I don't have any overflow, and it makes me sad.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Here goes...
Surrender:
verb
1 a: to yield to the power, control, or possession of another upon compulsion or demand
b: to give up completely or agree to forgo especially in favor of another
2 a: to give (oneself) up into the power of another especially as a prisoner
b: to give (oneself) over to something (as an influence)intransitive verb: to give oneself up into the power of another : yield
Joy:
verb
: to experience great pleasure or delight : rejoice
I like to be in control. God got a hold of me in the last year and impressed the importance of my full surrender to Him. I guess it all started a little over a year ago. I was listening to Andy Stanley's message titled Discovering God's Will. I just like listening to him, and this message series fit perfectly because I was beginning to feel the stirrings that God wanted something more or wanted something different. I remember one part of the message where he was explaining that most people say they will surrender to God, but they want to know the cost, be able to count the cost, and then make their decision. God, however, wants us to go "all in" before we know what's coming. THAT's true submission. It struck me that I wasn't quite there. I'd surrender, but I always wanted to be sure that success awaited me on the other side of that surrender. Not full surrender.
Then, I had felt the prompting to do Beth Moore's Believing God study again. But, last time I went through it was in the middle of the decision of whether or not to plant a church. I didn't want to, God wanted us to, He changed my heart, and we did. I knew something big was going to happen when I did the study, so I procrastinated. After two years of procrastinating, I started in the fall. Of course, the idea of surrender in light of truly believing and following Him came up, repeatedly. So did this feeling that I needed to do something more. But, did I need to teach a small group at church? Try to write devotionals? Speak? Yikes and "Please God, no" came from each idea that sprang to mind there. Quit teaching? Do photography? "Just" stay at home? None of those felt completely right, either.
Then, in December I remember daydreaming in a Sunday morning message. (It doesn't happen very often, really, but this morning I just COULD NOT stay focused on my dear pastor/husband and what God was using him to say.) Then, I swear Jeremy looked right at me (though later he doesn't remember it, and he usually only looks at me if he's telling a story about us), and said, "Some of you haven't really surrendered your life to God." I took out a piece of paper and wrote down his exact words (though I've thrown it away now, and I wish I hadn't) and felt that feeling in my stomach that I had to do something. Thus, that became my goal for this year (can I drag me feet any harder?). I shared it with Jeremy, shared on my blog, and received so much encouragement. Not just "you can do it" type of encouragement, but others shared that I had challenged them and spoken to them. As Jer and I talked, it created an idea...have a separate blog for what God is teaching me. Not to write devotionals, just share where God has and is taking me. Then, I procrastinated a bit more :) because I didn't have a good title.
Then, the car happened (I'll add that post here later).
Then, just two days ago, in What Happens When Women Say Yes to God, I read "One thing you can be assured of is that God has already worked out all the details of what your obedience with accomplish - and it is good. We need not fear what our obedience will cause to happen in our life. We should only fear what our disobedience will cause us to miss. ... We tend to wait to see the big picture complete with all the details before stepping out in obedience to God. We long for a cost analysis where we can weigh out what we'd be giving up against what we'd be gaining and then decide if the trade is worth it" (TerKeurst 45).
CRAP, I've been caught! BUSTED. This is the point when I literally looked up, held my hands out in surrender style, and said, "Okay, God. I've asked for signs before, and I think I might have caught on to this one. You've got me - I'm all Yours for whatever You want." I am crying as I write that. Tears of joy. It's taken me a long time, longer than just this past year, but I'm there. God, whatever it is, whatever it requires, whatever You want me to do, I'll do it. I am finding joy in the surrender, hence the title of the new blog. :) Surrender is t-e-r-r-i-f-y-i-n-g for me. Joy flies in the face of being terrified. So, the paradox of the two terms speaks of my reliance on God as I follow Him, for HIS glory, not my own. I don't know where I'm going, but, here I go...I pray that I follow God in every step, and I pray that God will stir in your heart along the way.
[can you say "crap" and be spiritual at the same time? I think so.]
verb
1 a: to yield to the power, control, or possession of another upon compulsion or demand
b: to give up completely or agree to forgo especially in favor of another
2 a: to give (oneself) up into the power of another especially as a prisoner
b: to give (oneself) over to something (as an influence)intransitive verb: to give oneself up into the power of another : yield
Joy:
verb
: to experience great pleasure or delight : rejoice
I like to be in control. God got a hold of me in the last year and impressed the importance of my full surrender to Him. I guess it all started a little over a year ago. I was listening to Andy Stanley's message titled Discovering God's Will. I just like listening to him, and this message series fit perfectly because I was beginning to feel the stirrings that God wanted something more or wanted something different. I remember one part of the message where he was explaining that most people say they will surrender to God, but they want to know the cost, be able to count the cost, and then make their decision. God, however, wants us to go "all in" before we know what's coming. THAT's true submission. It struck me that I wasn't quite there. I'd surrender, but I always wanted to be sure that success awaited me on the other side of that surrender. Not full surrender.
Then, I had felt the prompting to do Beth Moore's Believing God study again. But, last time I went through it was in the middle of the decision of whether or not to plant a church. I didn't want to, God wanted us to, He changed my heart, and we did. I knew something big was going to happen when I did the study, so I procrastinated. After two years of procrastinating, I started in the fall. Of course, the idea of surrender in light of truly believing and following Him came up, repeatedly. So did this feeling that I needed to do something more. But, did I need to teach a small group at church? Try to write devotionals? Speak? Yikes and "Please God, no" came from each idea that sprang to mind there. Quit teaching? Do photography? "Just" stay at home? None of those felt completely right, either.
Then, in December I remember daydreaming in a Sunday morning message. (It doesn't happen very often, really, but this morning I just COULD NOT stay focused on my dear pastor/husband and what God was using him to say.) Then, I swear Jeremy looked right at me (though later he doesn't remember it, and he usually only looks at me if he's telling a story about us), and said, "Some of you haven't really surrendered your life to God." I took out a piece of paper and wrote down his exact words (though I've thrown it away now, and I wish I hadn't) and felt that feeling in my stomach that I had to do something. Thus, that became my goal for this year (can I drag me feet any harder?). I shared it with Jeremy, shared on my blog, and received so much encouragement. Not just "you can do it" type of encouragement, but others shared that I had challenged them and spoken to them. As Jer and I talked, it created an idea...have a separate blog for what God is teaching me. Not to write devotionals, just share where God has and is taking me. Then, I procrastinated a bit more :) because I didn't have a good title.
Then, the car happened (I'll add that post here later).
Then, just two days ago, in What Happens When Women Say Yes to God, I read "One thing you can be assured of is that God has already worked out all the details of what your obedience with accomplish - and it is good. We need not fear what our obedience will cause to happen in our life. We should only fear what our disobedience will cause us to miss. ... We tend to wait to see the big picture complete with all the details before stepping out in obedience to God. We long for a cost analysis where we can weigh out what we'd be giving up against what we'd be gaining and then decide if the trade is worth it" (TerKeurst 45).
CRAP, I've been caught! BUSTED. This is the point when I literally looked up, held my hands out in surrender style, and said, "Okay, God. I've asked for signs before, and I think I might have caught on to this one. You've got me - I'm all Yours for whatever You want." I am crying as I write that. Tears of joy. It's taken me a long time, longer than just this past year, but I'm there. God, whatever it is, whatever it requires, whatever You want me to do, I'll do it. I am finding joy in the surrender, hence the title of the new blog. :) Surrender is t-e-r-r-i-f-y-i-n-g for me. Joy flies in the face of being terrified. So, the paradox of the two terms speaks of my reliance on God as I follow Him, for HIS glory, not my own. I don't know where I'm going, but, here I go...I pray that I follow God in every step, and I pray that God will stir in your heart along the way.
[can you say "crap" and be spiritual at the same time? I think so.]
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